Saturday, February 27, 2010

114- siapa kita; baja atau racunnya?

 assalamualaikum.
terimakasih kalau sudi membaca sebab setahu saya blog ni tak ramai pun yang layan. takpe. saya pun menulis dgn ikhlas. cuma mahu melepaskan rasa yang terbuku sahaja.
 ok moving on. selamat menymbut maulidur rasul. kiranya tak terlambat lagi. hari-hari pun kita sewajarnya mengingati rasulullah, bukan?

BAJA ATAU RACUN?

apa yang saya cuba nak smpikan sebenarnya? sudah naik muak malah sudah terlalu jemu saya menatap setiap hari, sahabat2 yang saya kasihi, terkial-kial, terkapai-kapai cuba mengapungkan diri--mahu kembali stabil sebagai seorang remaja islam!
tak faham? baiklah. senang cerita, kawan-kawan saya masih mencari cinta. ya-mungkin anda ingin mengatakan
"aduh, fatimah ni, tak habis-habis isu yang sama."


maaf kalau saya memang begitu. tapi, pada umur yang sebegini, fokus saya tertimpa pada perkara sebegitu. environment, kawan2 seperjuangan, semuanya membentuk beberapa peratus dari diri saya ini.

kalau ada kes-kes luahan ni, selalunya orang takut nak cari saya. bukannya apa, nanti bukannya saya menenangkannya, lagi dia dimarahi adalah! janganlah takut sahabatku.. i meant no harm AT ALL.  saya menegur, bukannya marah. saya tahu, fasa yang itu saya sudah lalui. lalu saya menjadi sukar untuk menerima pada umur yg sekarang ini, 17 tahun, ada dalam klgn teman saya masih rapuh bila dicucuk2 halus perasaannya.

bajakah aku?
kepada orang yang selalu menjadi focal point, selalu dicari sebagai tempat meluah perasaan rakan2, selalu menjadi motivator tidak rasmi, saya cadangkan janganlah kalian menjadi baja.

horticulturistkah fatimah ini?
bukanlah. bukan tentang tanaman. yang cuba saya sampaikan ialah jangan dibiakkan benih rasa itu. bkan mahu mencari fasal, tapi terlalu banyak kes si lelaki mencuba-cuba, si gadis pula menjadi lemah dek pujuk dan kata2 'manis' itu.

betulkan?

andainya anda melalui perkara yang sama. silalah muhasabah diri. apakah cinta yang dibawa dan dibahasakaan oleh sang lelaki itu terlalu penting buat hidup anda? bukan merujuk pada hidup yang sekarang sahaja. tapi masa depan juga- THE FUTURE-

mungkin anda mahu mengatakan: " apalah yang kau tahu? kau tak rasa macam yang aku rasa. susah tahu!"
sabar dulu. sejarah hidup saya tak perlu disingkap semula. kalau ada yang mengenali si fatimah ini dari dulu, anda sendiri boleh nampak kenapa saya berani berbicara tentang hal ini.

masalah yang akan anda hadapi:
1. rindu yang terlalu berlebihan
2. pembaziran waktu dek terlalu mengenangkannya
3. hati menjadi gelap..malap
4. ilmu pun susah nak masuk
5. ibadah tidak khusyuk
6. bertindak secara tidak rasional

semua ini berdasarkan pengalaman.
jadi, kalau ada yang melalui sendiri simptom2 ke'tersangkut'an ini, maka bunuhlah rasa itu andai mampu.  kalau tak mahu menjadi pembunuh, tak mahu meletakkan racun, maka biarkan saja rasa yang terlekat itu. tak perlu terlalu dikenang. takut bercambah, berakar dalam, susah nak dicabut nanti.

pada pengalaman saya, bila berlaku hal begini, kita perlu lari. tak perlulah lari secara fizikalnya. maksudnya larikan diri ke arah cinta Allah. banyakkan ibadah sunat kita, tahajjud, zikir yang tak kering di bibir. doa yang paling utama- minta Allah kuatkan hati kita!

hanya Allah pemilik semua perasaan ini. minta Allah cabutkan rasa itu kalau ia tak sepatutnya ada.
SEKARANG BUKAN MASANYA. BELUM MASANYA!

fikirkanlah semula. jangan pula kita jadi baja. bila kita diuji sedikit cuma.. sudah terlentok habis-habisan. mahu sehidup dan semati. CINTA KERANA ALLAH katanya! nauzubillah.. kalau betul dah bercambah, jangan terlalu difikirkan.. jangan terlalu dikenang! bahayanya kita tak sedar. kita membuka hati kita seluas-luasnya untuk dimainkan oleh syaitan. kadang2 kita tak sedar, betulkah apa yang kita buat ini? bila dah terlalu jauh menyimpang, kita mula rasa kita memang buat sebetulnya. bila orang tegur kita kata kita tak bersalah!

saya mohon! janganlah ada antara motivator tak berbayar itu pula yang menjadi baja.
JANGAN SEKALI-KALI. takut bila ada maksiat yang dilakukannya, saham untuk kita sudah tersedia! kelak di akhirat apa jawab kita? saya harap bagi motivator tak berbayar ini, bantulah rakan itu berjuang sehabis daya, tarik dia dari segala kemungkinan yang tak baik itu! siapa tahu, ganjaran Allah mungkin ada bagi orang yang menyelamatkan orang lain. wallahualam. dosa-pahala itu urusan Allah. kita tak tahu apa yang Allah sediakan untuk kita!



say no,
FaTiMaHZaHRa'ZuLQaRNaiN

Friday, February 26, 2010

113- and it tears me apart.

assalamualaikum.

as days pass and eventually exam was over, i think i have to express how i felt somehow in this blog.
it was monday when it happens. i went for  a tuition class at senawang. i sat at my usual place and revise the sub-topic i've learnt a week before.
i heard a low-tone scream-like sound. a surprise tone. it came from a boy. his eyes stares at the girl in front of him. he looked at her with suspicious,unbelievably,stunned face.
the girl in front of him was a muslim. i know her quite well. she's a freehair,socialised-much girl, living a 'great' life with numerous hairstyle everytime she came to the tuition class.only then i noticed the difference. she's wearing a hijab today. she covered her hair. it wasn't perfectly covered that night, but it's a good start.
then the boy starts to ramble. he said: "asal ko pakai tudung weh? ko baru balik surau ke?" he laughed! OUT LOUD.

at that time, my eyes were burning. i felt a rush inside that i've never felt before.  i looked at him, straight on his face. he didn't even felt guilty for what he just said.
for the long 17 years, eversince-born-muslim, i tried to hold myself back. maybe he didn't mean it.

the girl looked back at him: "aku bknnye balik surau la. ko ni. aku baru je nak berubah"
her statement made me cool down a bit. i tried not to listen to what they were talking about but the room wasn't big enough for me not to listen to their conversation.
the other boys joined him. they made fun of her. at that time, i could only say: " TAK KELAKAR PUN LAH!"

the others looked at me. maybe because i was almost yelled. or maybe i'm the only girl from an islamic school there, and they were all from KGV and STAD instead. i stared at the blank pages in front of me. i don't know what to do. i've failed to control myself. sir rahim enters the room. and our class started.

it was almost 10.00 pm. sir rahim let us go. i waited outside for a long time. i don't understand why my mom was late that day. then, the girl walked to me. she stands more or less 1 meter from me. i could see clearly what happened next. the boy, one who's making fun of her changes, came along.

he asked her: weyh, sebenarnye asal ko pakai tudung arini?
 i heard his question. clearly.

the girl looked at him: saje je. tak boleh?
her answer disappoints me.  but that was good for a start.

the boy giggled: weyh, takkan la ko pakai sesaje. mesti ade ape2 an?
i sighed heavily. as a sign i was there and listening, with a hope that they would behave.

the girl looked at him: takde ar. sebenarnya aku bet je. make a deal. budak "..." hutang aku starbucks ar lps ni.

i glanced automatically. i wanted to say "pardon me" for the reason i can't believe my own ears. but it was clearly stated by the girl herself. make a bet? out of the hukum2 in islam? make a bet on hijab?


i can't stand any longer. i walked away. i sat on the bench in the teacher's personal garden. i thought.. everything's going to be okay. she's not even related to me. not even my friend. but there's a feeling inside. i felt that i have failed. failed to be a good daei. even with no words.. i thought actions speaks louder than words. so i keep reminding myself  to show a good example. to be a role model. but what happens today.. proved that actions sometimes didn't even speak! my heart was broken. my eyes were burning. i don't know whether i was angry with her, or i was mad with the boys, or i was disappointed with myself!

am i have no functions there?
am i invisible?
did anyone ever noticed me?
did anyone even feel what i've felt?

they are playing with god's rules. wearing a hijab wasn't that hard. its not like Allah states certain types of fabrics to cover your head. ( but not the see-through materials)
at that time, i started to realise.
are they the one who'll be the leader in the future?
are they the one who'll be the judges in the court for every trials?
are they the  one who'll be the minister of EDUCATION later?

i simply can't accept all this. can anyone suggest in any way...
HOW COULD I EVER CHANGED THEM?

i love them all.. i do. they're muslims but didn't they know?

wallahualam
FaTiMaHZaHRa'ZuLQaRNaiN

Friday, February 19, 2010

112- simply beautiful

nothing much to say but terfikir satu frasa yg menarik.
 BEAUTY FOOL.
refer kepada makhluk2 atas muka bumi nih yang gemar sangat nak ubah physical look dia.

sbb zaman sekarang semua nak jadi paling cantik, paling menawan. bile ternampak muka macam dah nak berkedut cepat2 berlari ke mne2 pusat kesihatan. NAK SUNTIK!!! katanya bukan botox. cume suntikan vitamin D je. sama jelah semua tu.  tetap nak ubah ciptaan Allah. pelik.
tak cantikkah apa yang Allah dah tetapkan untuk kita ni? ada orang yg kurang bernasib baik tu, takde hidung, takde kaki, takde tangan or even masalah kesihatan.
org zaman sekarang ni, hidung tak cukup mancung.. kene edit nih.
bibir tu tak cukup cantaik.. nak dilebarkan.
muka tu terasa macam kureng sikit.. nak bedah, nak suntik.

sebagai org yg ada complete figure, kenapa kita tak nampak semua nikmat tu.
paling simple, jari.
kalau terlebih atau terkurang satupun dah susah.
nak menulis, nak makan, nak pegang barang. susahkan?
Allah bagi sesuatu tu syukuri dan guna ke arah yg betul.

jangan smpi Allah tarik balik nikmat2 tu. kesihatan tu, baru kita sedar ia suatu nikmat bila kita sakitkan? so, masa sihat ni, jgnlah kita buat yag tak senonoh, yang dibenci Allah. takut2 Allah tarik balik nikmat yang tlh dia bagi. masa tu, dah tak boleh nak buat apa2 lagi dah.

saya bercakap dari pengalaman. terutama kepada muslimat. tolong jaga aurat bkn hanya di sekolah, tapi kat rumah pun. saya tahu paling tak best bila ade ape2 perjumpaan keluarga. ade pakcik2 ngan sepupu2 lelaki, susah betul nak edit pakaian kan?

tak kisahlah pakai apa pun asalkan menutup aurat. paling penting stongan dan stokin. kalau tanak pakai stongan tu pakai la baju kancing. kalau taknak pakai baju kurung, at least pakailah t-shirt long sleeves ngan bottom yg sesuai (seluar ke, kain ke).  islam ni mudah. kita je yang menyusahkan diri kita. terlalu tertutup pemikiran tu. 
kadang2 letak alasan..

*panas la pakai camni... dok umah je  an? takyah ar nak stokin bagai, baju lengan pjg2 ni..
*serabai ar weyh.. nak baju kurung la pulak. susah ar nak grk2, nak kemas2. (serabai means tak kemas)

ish-ish-ish.  
simple je.

nak panas dunia ke panas akhirat? 

harap, pada yang masih belum menyempurnakan penutupan auratnya di hadapan ajnabi, silalah berbuat demikian sbb taknak nanti Allah bagi penyakit atau kemalangan baru nak nangis2 menyesal. masa tu parut yg terkesan pun takkan hilang sekelip mata.

wallahualam
FaTiMaHZaHRa'ZuLQaRNaiN



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

111- i'm sorry.

assalamualaikum.
to anybody whom might had read what i've wrote in '111-unofficially posted' before...
I AM HUMBLY SORRY FOR MY WORDS.

if you're a lady, and disagreed with what i've wrote, basically you're right.
as time passes, i realize that i shouldn't be that pissed off. the world didn't revolve around me. i should stop acting like everything was aimed to myself alone.

if you're a guy, what else can i say... I'M TRULY SORRY. i must took the responsibility of what i've done. i know, i shouldn't had said that. seriously, if u had a heart-attack after you read those things i said, i'll pay the bill. i know i've caused headache, heartache, and maybe even arteriosclerosis... gosh.. i really mean it. i am sorry.

i, myself had flaws too. and i can't expect the best from everyone i met. well, nobody is perfect,ey?



i am myself now..and i am sorry,
FaTiMaHZaHRa'ZuLQaRNaiN