tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18451238461040498462024-03-05T12:45:39.660+08:00ini blog TiMSejenis perempuan yang acah cool tapi sebenarnya hati tisu.
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.comBlogger200125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-58316632551815425052019-03-05T07:57:00.002+08:002019-03-05T07:57:49.291+08:00Of crossroads and istikharah<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX0IRC7fmbAOvzMs7JJbEfldFWUurt8UsxVCp93ZGNzJR11QQX93_FeBo3PrF7R71txEv4Jmk7zHhe84hgca6OassNbhs_1Pvm8nHOVrXSo-XWEisqAIUz76lJxctAmYYTlNhDYd5u_6Sa/s1600/DSC_2265.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX0IRC7fmbAOvzMs7JJbEfldFWUurt8UsxVCp93ZGNzJR11QQX93_FeBo3PrF7R71txEv4Jmk7zHhe84hgca6OassNbhs_1Pvm8nHOVrXSo-XWEisqAIUz76lJxctAmYYTlNhDYd5u_6Sa/s640/DSC_2265.JPG" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm , literally, a big girl now.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
I can still remember the day I plucked up my courage to ask about you. Boi I was young back then. I mean.. young-er. (I'd like to believe I'm still young, given that I'm still in my 20s) Back to the story, I couldn't remember what brought me to a conclusion that I should just ask about you.. but I did! You're one of my many crush(es) but Idk why I only had the courage to ask about you. I mean.. I could ask about other people too but I didn't. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, I asked Kak N about your status..</div>
<div>
and it wasn't long after that, that I found out you're not available. </div>
<div>
I was okay, shed a couple of tears on my way back home from the hospital </div>
<div>
but I was fine after that. Totally fine.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I thought.. "Hmm takpelah.. memang bukan jodoh".</b></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then, a few years passed. </div>
<div>
I heard nothing about you. </div>
<div>
"Bilanya kau nak kahwin??!"</div>
<div>
I continued on with my life.</div>
<div>
More complicated stuff ensued after.</div>
<div>
(... as evidenced in the previous posts)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
AND AND AND</div>
<div>
recently, we met again at an event. </div>
<div>
You asked me my name! My name??!! </div>
<div>
Seriously.. </div>
<div>
..all these years and you didn't even know my name :(</div>
<div>
I remembered yours since our days in KMB. </div>
<div>
( hashtag freak alert )</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
One thing leads to another..</div>
<div>
and I found out you've been single for the past two years. </div>
<div>
Whatever happened to you, ah boi?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I told the other sisters about you..</div>
<div>
..and my intention ( I know I ni gatal kan? haha )</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Kak N was fully aware of what happened before..</div>
<div>
and she said "Do you wanna give it a try, again?"</div>
<div>
"Make lotsa dua. If you're destined for each other, inshaAllah, khalas"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My heart goes tachy a lil bit.</div>
<div>
Tbh, I'm scared. </div>
<div>
Rejections.. are hard to deal with.</div>
<div>
(.. again, as evidenced in the previous posts)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Should I give it another shot?</b></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I mean, at least, you're not in Cork.</div>
<div>
You're not someone I see frequently.</div>
<div>
Our circle of friends doesn't overlap.</div>
<div>
You're not someone I might bumped into in town..</div>
<div>
.. or in the random wards of random hospital here. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Haish.</div>
<div>
At times like this, I can hear ayah's voice: </div>
<div>
"Anak ayah ni banyak fikir la."</div>
<div>
Lol. 100% accurate. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But ayah,</div>
<div>
fikir.. is the only thing I can afford to do now. </div>
<div>
I'll ask for guidance from Allah.</div>
<div>
At the crossroad, standing still, only istikharah can guide my way.</div>
<div>
I hope I'll walk in the right direction. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">hashtag cuak.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">- T</span></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-12498399214971442932019-02-18T04:41:00.003+08:002019-02-18T05:07:49.300+08:00Rookie mistakes are allowed, okay. It has started again.<br />
The anxiety kicks in.<br />
<br />
I feel low, no energy, it was hard for me to focus on studying.<br />
I don't feel like going out. But I did anyway.<br />
I had a good time, but when I came back.. I feel weird again.<br />
<br />
I feel like there'a a lump in my chest.<br />
It's hard to breathe on days like this.<br />
And trying to smile to make it go away doesnt work either.<br />
(I ended up crying for no particular reason)<br />
<br />
I think what I needed was a full hx taken by a doctor, full examination, and investigations done on me... and I pray and pray again that all this is because I'm low on some vitamins, or I'm anemic or just dehydrated. So I can brush it off as an illness that will settle with downing some pills and water.<br />
<br />
At times like this,<br />
I feel like calling someone.<br />
and just talk.<br />
<br />
At times like this,<br />
I feel like running in the cold,<br />
and just sweat it off.<br />
<br />
At times like this,<br />
I feel lonelier than ever.<br />
<br />
<i><b>But we're all living this life for the first time.</b></i><br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
We all have issues that we find it hard to convey to other people,<br />
there is no verbal form to explain<br />
what is lingering in my head and bothering my heart.<br />
<i><b>and that's okay. :)</b></i><br />
<br />
At times like this,<br />
I feel like making a lot of dua<br />
and just talk to Allah<br />
will suffice.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">O Allah , the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth,</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">You have created me in the best forms,</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">You know what's in my heart </span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">more than other people or even myself.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">Untie the knots in my heart.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">Lift the weight on my shoulder.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">Ease the pain that I have.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;">For only You can cure it all. </span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><i><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></i></b>
<span style="color: #990000;"><i>Forever a rookie,</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><i>- T</i></span></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-65890281521010451972019-01-28T04:52:00.002+08:002019-01-28T05:08:02.098+08:00Let's give it another try, T.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7utSPeVOeiEaSzaXVx59TH1JyY6jvaaRuCSkRKjr4nOzZ4DyJ_5gEaPpgE79W95I405RToQsK1FIPFbobZCZW48P9I02dxB1VFAdWMXAi4A3LQrK94VlcHckRV-361EDvO2HdSHIC8hc7/s1600/50876696_311056162772303_961940531045203968_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7utSPeVOeiEaSzaXVx59TH1JyY6jvaaRuCSkRKjr4nOzZ4DyJ_5gEaPpgE79W95I405RToQsK1FIPFbobZCZW48P9I02dxB1VFAdWMXAi4A3LQrK94VlcHckRV-361EDvO2HdSHIC8hc7/s640/50876696_311056162772303_961940531045203968_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>2018 ended beautifully, mashaAllah</b></i>. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed our family with 2 additional members in 2018. My younger sister, A married her Yemeni husband in March at the age of 24 year old, now she's pregnant with her first child, SubhanaAllah. My older sister, Y married the guys she knew for only 5 months in December at the age of 27 year old. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
From these two love story, there's me (25 going 26) stucked in the middle, still figuring out how the secrets in life work. The way Allah untangle all the knots and the way everything make sense in the end are so magical to my eyes. Subhanallah, Allahuakbar. Patience and strong faith in Allah are the key to be more calm in the waiting game. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><i>We're now 1 month into 2019.</i></b></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I tell myself that I need someone to fill this emptiness I have in my heart. I feel incomplete no matter how hard I preach about self love and stuff. I was more in love with the idea of being in love without understanding the essence of loving anyway. I realise that all these years.. the space in my heart is becoming ( or felt ) more empty, not because I didn't put anything in it. No. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I know that the one space in our heart must be filled with the love of Allah first. But I realised, my heart felt more empty as the days passed by - because it's 'leaking'.</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The love that I put in my heart for Allah slowly disappears from me. It was erased bit by bit.. with every little sins I conciously or subconciously made. I feel so small these days. I'm becoming more worse each day. I tried to reminisce what makes me feel content before? I have come to a conclusion that my ibadah is reducing in quantity and quality and I no longer feel excited or putting efforts in learning about his Deen. </div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Nowadays, usrah felt like a weekly online meeting. Strictly business. One that I just have to click 'join call' , show my smiling face , throw in some comments that's not coming from my heart anyway and then it will be done in two hours or so. </div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
These days, I rush my prayer. I rarely make du'a. I no longer feel the urge to wake up in the morning for qiamullail. Most nights, I'll be wide awake an hour before Fajr prayer.. but I always choose to go back to sleep. Weird , huh?</div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>"Emm.. the toilet is too far from my room. So lazy laa to perform ablution (read: wudhu)"</i></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>".. well it's a bit cold. I'll keep myself warm under the duvet for a bit more"</i></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>"Alaa.. I make short dua also counted right? thanks Allah"</i></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I create all sorts of excuses EVEN WHEN I WAS AWAKEN BY ALLAH TO MEET HIM. Allah has granted me an exclusive opportunity to ask for forgiveness, to make dua for my family, my friends and myself. Allah has given me these opportunity, day by day, but I refused to save myself, I refuse to meet HIM. Astaghfirullah.. :( </div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>"The du'a made at tahajjud is like an arrow that does not miss its target"</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;">- Imaam Shaafiie</span></div>
<br />
I know that Allah has given me a lot of blessings. I'm blessed with a good family, a good upbringing, I'm surrounded by good people since I'm small. He had given me a lot of razk (read: rezeki) from ways I cannot comprehend or predict, in the forms that I always .. always.. always need.<br />
<br />
Allah has been too kind to me. He's Ar-rahman, He's Ar-raheem.. and He's As-Samii'. I have faith in Allah, and I pray and pray again that no matter how far I strayed from His Deen, I hope He'll always guide me back to the right path and make me believe in myself that it's never too late to give myself another try at this.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEjYp1yNrA182H8MPbF2Vrj_NqsuKMr_05g5M_Gc4gLDabXSWkPVtyBZY8ccGVRYEaE6qZXzMlBrk_QYyz0gnkN9zxqlvnBSUXqHgqhmQ0Hu6GvJSny19jGbaLyGmVBaBp6eUZGqB4PlWg/s1600/IMG_9765.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEjYp1yNrA182H8MPbF2Vrj_NqsuKMr_05g5M_Gc4gLDabXSWkPVtyBZY8ccGVRYEaE6qZXzMlBrk_QYyz0gnkN9zxqlvnBSUXqHgqhmQ0Hu6GvJSny19jGbaLyGmVBaBp6eUZGqB4PlWg/s640/IMG_9765.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #660000;">For the millionth time, </span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #660000;">Bismillah.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #660000;">Let's give it another try, T </span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #660000;"><br /></span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #660000;">:)</span></i></b></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-43304222081307260342018-12-19T09:02:00.003+08:002018-12-19T09:02:30.102+08:00Where are you now , T ?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMr75F1OAW7CojPlMXCK9HRNnI3sL_HSYrC922YCcYib7BA8sy-IlB6i8XYnOkSuRa1gJnxokmU0X1PlkrDVJGIO62lmGUPAbddwNAtf02VRcNf6nRdMFkq5B3ADpFqvytktNjK9mvS5wn/s1600/IMG_7759.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="852" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMr75F1OAW7CojPlMXCK9HRNnI3sL_HSYrC922YCcYib7BA8sy-IlB6i8XYnOkSuRa1gJnxokmU0X1PlkrDVJGIO62lmGUPAbddwNAtf02VRcNf6nRdMFkq5B3ADpFqvytktNjK9mvS5wn/s640/IMG_7759.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>An unnamed feeling came to me</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It fills the spaces in my heart</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Spaces that I thought was filled alright</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>by those who came after you</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Clearly, the replacement , was not a good fit.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I am happy now, I do. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>But I miss the feelings and comfort I found in you.</i></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ly9aN6Vstm6AK4V1PBtz25ZLonTkb8Kg2cjY-wc557SdepJDo_C639ovEsWHqwtzMu_7aLwb-iCaqVdiZPcL-lfTDbbcVXVsUF_sKf2K0YX9AQe12TJ5F-aqPHvpI9LMNFWs_n2RRR4y/s1600/IMG_1901.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ly9aN6Vstm6AK4V1PBtz25ZLonTkb8Kg2cjY-wc557SdepJDo_C639ovEsWHqwtzMu_7aLwb-iCaqVdiZPcL-lfTDbbcVXVsUF_sKf2K0YX9AQe12TJ5F-aqPHvpI9LMNFWs_n2RRR4y/s640/IMG_1901.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Was it just familiarity?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Was it because of a shared dream?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Was it just a common interest? </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Are we just a good team?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I think, what we had was more than that.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I found Allah when I was with you.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I was reminded of how badly I want to strive </i><i>to be a better me.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>And the best part is, I am not alone in that journey.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>(I feel so lonely now)</i></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhShx39au1PNh2fi_estecW5u-0nzhHDenCEgs58iKiaQzYW0uvZ9YF1OV4Ig9qTRhrUI3eL5GD9fOsgOrb4Ggl0dInlrqgnL5Yp-fZOL-weInIK1z2WLyfT-DBAUNZL9apqW_p1NpmXLlP/s1600/13161772_1017757564979735_598392200931380096_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1108" data-original-width="1600" height="442" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhShx39au1PNh2fi_estecW5u-0nzhHDenCEgs58iKiaQzYW0uvZ9YF1OV4Ig9qTRhrUI3eL5GD9fOsgOrb4Ggl0dInlrqgnL5Yp-fZOL-weInIK1z2WLyfT-DBAUNZL9apqW_p1NpmXLlP/s640/13161772_1017757564979735_598392200931380096_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It is not fair to say that you leave me here</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It is also mean to say that I made myself stay</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>The ink has dried, the pen was lifted</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>This is what Allah has decreed upon us</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>and with that I should be happy and content</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Kan? :(</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgibdkmxL5RDt0Q8-ZtAacUQSb_rhD3t24SawlUbAPzlKwBArEpSp0sqfVTmLpY9HeDh3pQp59LKkwNTPfEXFCDQ8BOHjUpZxo7KX2hjC-FNO6SQl0SiQC2vUgFqOTsHEnH5Ehq4U4U859D/s1600/IMG_7770.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1395" height="550" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgibdkmxL5RDt0Q8-ZtAacUQSb_rhD3t24SawlUbAPzlKwBArEpSp0sqfVTmLpY9HeDh3pQp59LKkwNTPfEXFCDQ8BOHjUpZxo7KX2hjC-FNO6SQl0SiQC2vUgFqOTsHEnH5Ehq4U4U859D/s640/IMG_7770.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>My battle is so different now</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I am learning about myself more than ever</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and after doing all of the things I thought I have always wanted to do</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I realised one thing for sure..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>.. it would be so much better if I'm with you.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It's funny how every little things in Cork, Dublin, Birm...</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>... ahh.. almost anything and everything reminded me of you girls.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>And it scares me when every single memories we created </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>during our five long years together..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>..bit by bit..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>is fading away.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU_StO_8E_Yvb0NltfVqGVrx2dYvuZRcf4CGt2MzVb13v8ipIdu7wDrw-RszptjSiCALpo7235d-dFV-_InDk5Y6HQJptOmIrd_jIJtUHadmrMdy2rZeiDLWKB_SwJ60ZDRI12bE7WssNO/s1600/IMG_3171.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU_StO_8E_Yvb0NltfVqGVrx2dYvuZRcf4CGt2MzVb13v8ipIdu7wDrw-RszptjSiCALpo7235d-dFV-_InDk5Y6HQJptOmIrd_jIJtUHadmrMdy2rZeiDLWKB_SwJ60ZDRI12bE7WssNO/s640/IMG_3171.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I hope..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>If someday..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>all that I remember about you is </i><i>just the warmth that you gave..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>I hope I'll be alright with that.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>It's inevitable, but it is also natural.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>...like the grains of sand slipping through my fingers</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>no matter how hard I try to grasp it.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I'm not sad that I'm losing it.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I'm happy for the fact that I - for once - had it.</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSHAje9SoEwKJaQwzPM0CF9YNHOpd2DT8g5D8e9ehs8fXWVD7lUz4TOg7U0jUjyDLrpq6gKPiTPq3Cz2YrzKHxyXFT7_pUqG_sG-Pwicpfor-wzh0K4dJXBQhe_pplu2axM5qeLZ-Bo2f_/s1600/IMG_4916.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="810" data-original-width="1080" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSHAje9SoEwKJaQwzPM0CF9YNHOpd2DT8g5D8e9ehs8fXWVD7lUz4TOg7U0jUjyDLrpq6gKPiTPq3Cz2YrzKHxyXFT7_pUqG_sG-Pwicpfor-wzh0K4dJXBQhe_pplu2axM5qeLZ-Bo2f_/s640/IMG_4916.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">And for that...</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">O Allah</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">I thank You for blessing me with these souls </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">that reminded me of You</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">that advises me with kindness and love</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">that concerns about my dunya and akhirah </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">more than anyone would.</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Please keep us all safe under Your protection my Rabb.</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Please accept from us no matter how small.</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">And above all,</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Please forgive me..</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">For I have sinned everyday,</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">I have wronged You in every way.</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">More so now, than I was before :(</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Please keep me in good company</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Ones that can guide me </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">and remind me</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">of You</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;"><br /></span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Yes, I miss the old me too,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
T.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-47147364383405978012018-12-07T09:03:00.000+08:002018-12-07T09:05:33.039+08:00Reality check for you, T<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/eMoP7mmZ5Lo/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/eMoP7mmZ5Lo?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"How did you do it , T?"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"Do what?"</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"You're still happy and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with him..."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"Well, I don't see where is the issue."</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"...I mean.. even when he doesn't look at you the same way?"</i></div>
<br />
My heart snapped into two... for the thousandth time.<br />
I plastered a smile over my face and I said.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"I don't mind at all. I just enjoyed the moment"</span></i></div>
<br />
I lied. I was clearly in denial.<br />
Having some sort of delusion that THIS.. gonna go somewhere.<br />
And I keep that imagination alive by feeding a lot of assumptions and what ifs.<br />
I wrote your story on your behalf. I was convinced that what I wrote was the truth.<br />
Until tonight....<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"T, have you had this talk with him?"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"About what?"</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"You know, about you being so obvious and upfront with your feelings.. </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>....is he okay with that?"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"</span><span style="font-style: italic;">..</span><i>I... don't know"</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"What if he's uncomfortable with .. all this?"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"...."</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Are you okay if one day, he tells you that he doesn't like all this attention</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and he doesn't feel the way you do?"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"To be honest...</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">He already did. </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">We're just friends.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">That's what he said</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">I just choose not to believe that."</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"awwwhh ... T... " :'(</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000;"><i>"I'm okay. </i><i>I will be not okay when </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">I choose to embrace that for a fact."</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"That is so sad."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;">"I know" :)</span></i></div>
<br />
<br />
My heart shattered again tonight.<br />
A simple reality check by a friend brings me back to reality.<br />
<br />
I look at our pictures again and again.<br />
I recall our moments, most of them are just<br />
me looking for you in a crowd<br />
or me staring at you without you knowing.<br />
<br />
Those moments are clearly all giddy, sweet and happy <u>only on my side.</u><br />
What we had was clearly made complicated by own my mind.<br />
<br />
It was pretty straightforward for you.<br />
You said no.<br />
I should've taken that as it is instead of sugarcoating it.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>You and your sweet words.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>Me and my overinterpretation. </b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>We're not a good match, kan?</b></i></div>
<br />
I should've known better, kan..<br />
I could've guarded my heart better.<br />
And now that I'm in this trouble too deep,<br />
all I can do is to seek help from Allah.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000;"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , serif;"><b>“O Allah, verily I seek the better choice from You, </b></span><b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;">by Your knowledge, </b></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , serif;"><b><span style="color: #990000;"><i>and I seek ability from You, by Your power, </i></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , serif;"><b><span style="color: #990000;"><i>and I ask You from Your immense bounty. </i></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , serif;"><b><span style="color: #990000;"><i><br /></i></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "merriweather" , serif;"><b><span style="color: #990000;"><i>For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; </i></span></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>You have knowledge and I know not; </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>You are the Knower of the unseen realms. </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i><br /></i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>with regard to my religion, </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>my livelihood and the end of my affair </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>and grant me blessing in it. </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i><br /></i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>And if You know that this matter is not good for me </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>with regard to my religion, </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>my livelihood and the end of my affair </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>then turn it away from me and me from it; </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>and decree for me better than it, </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><span style="color: #990000;"><i>wherever it may be, </i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif;"><u><span style="color: #990000;"><i>and make me content with it.”</i></span></u></b></div>
<br />
<br />
Learning to live in reality (sure is hard)<br />
But I'll try again.. for the thousandth times.<br />
<br />
T<br />
<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-70778465669259633582018-10-31T23:02:00.003+08:002018-10-31T23:02:52.043+08:00"You look happy , T"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>Inchydoney Beach and a tale of an unguarded heart.</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUoSo1OkkjcKEalLXDfuD3aETx5OaoHarvy7mNnj6AZhW5kh63E-NUFFjkZHRtN2YyVrJO4ri0CRHOmnWRjLrarSwWqru7PBkNsC4r11FCGpDQ5eB7YOZamftjrNx0Zgn8-UlZmUEJbGdT/s1600/45020345_562728137501133_7717310487150460928_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUoSo1OkkjcKEalLXDfuD3aETx5OaoHarvy7mNnj6AZhW5kh63E-NUFFjkZHRtN2YyVrJO4ri0CRHOmnWRjLrarSwWqru7PBkNsC4r11FCGpDQ5eB7YOZamftjrNx0Zgn8-UlZmUEJbGdT/s640/45020345_562728137501133_7717310487150460928_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>..twas a lovely day..</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLSLasdeP7DtyTuD9pkTT7WYd19EwQBMOi6Bkw984_4_1nqd8hKzdJBbxdQV5_pzppsFg1-zY0uFrDNJN2JLQKAhyeZrVUq8k212c8FT3tb8miY6clmBoMpwB3pP21f_Tryvhh3ZljXlyF/s1600/45063149_329434267607643_5031647903450398720_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLSLasdeP7DtyTuD9pkTT7WYd19EwQBMOi6Bkw984_4_1nqd8hKzdJBbxdQV5_pzppsFg1-zY0uFrDNJN2JLQKAhyeZrVUq8k212c8FT3tb8miY6clmBoMpwB3pP21f_Tryvhh3ZljXlyF/s320/45063149_329434267607643_5031647903450398720_n.jpg" width="240" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhauq_1WjMxNj2pNahokdgH5tv-hLNLk24SFXCAupKLj2i5xXWlWNIdGcAssvHIWhUjra_FV7bPyF-7ZZUx8lawqii9avjnHkiTIrMIY-355WtfD-plKjPqnN5ACZ95ymvOyn8VybDIVTrx/s1600/45121122_200607600838224_6380085832723726336_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhauq_1WjMxNj2pNahokdgH5tv-hLNLk24SFXCAupKLj2i5xXWlWNIdGcAssvHIWhUjra_FV7bPyF-7ZZUx8lawqii9avjnHkiTIrMIY-355WtfD-plKjPqnN5ACZ95ymvOyn8VybDIVTrx/s320/45121122_200607600838224_6380085832723726336_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>.. and a girl, <b>unknowingly</b>, fell in love again.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>She shouldn't be.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but she just couldn't help it.</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg6oh4n7tV1ruiwo5YTTDX5-KH6IPGRxRKZUaQQmys-xaP7pDa1iuLCSuoa17Zv12fVEN1Vf3LrfsaxJKFkuL8rHuNDtUivVvMRbvuCxionihRCF2HDc0PF6rA_ENxJr1WB8tcCSJIpesY/s1600/IMG_0459.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg6oh4n7tV1ruiwo5YTTDX5-KH6IPGRxRKZUaQQmys-xaP7pDa1iuLCSuoa17Zv12fVEN1Vf3LrfsaxJKFkuL8rHuNDtUivVvMRbvuCxionihRCF2HDc0PF6rA_ENxJr1WB8tcCSJIpesY/s640/IMG_0459.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>.. <i>she knows she's in a deep trouble. </i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>A..really.. deep.. trouble</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuqKRtUboTkf0w-lOBAOIDB4MvpFqIcXjWiOFEcqbgYCriz1urgZTsFKzAVZDcFLjX0AweUdRV_jePUFmuqV-5pdubkzQ8PHTqe8OYCa1AcYZG4mIkbuHXfattnNb8tEZDRMWJBHpenjT7/s1600/IMG_2588.HEIC.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuqKRtUboTkf0w-lOBAOIDB4MvpFqIcXjWiOFEcqbgYCriz1urgZTsFKzAVZDcFLjX0AweUdRV_jePUFmuqV-5pdubkzQ8PHTqe8OYCa1AcYZG4mIkbuHXfattnNb8tEZDRMWJBHpenjT7/s640/IMG_2588.HEIC.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>But she's adamant that she'll crawl her way up the hole and finds her sanity again..</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiCXm3pBw5f102gq2aF3UJPflELeFSXYlase0CmSKgbAbechyphenhyphenElyuZ6KBKQdUVI2aMEFJjtwRpDR5tamTxzN7QCWajU08tu3efwjKnWv8wfvJRUuvoY4urg7q9xXqjjXNF3SE4tJ87Hca3/s1600/IMG_2672.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiCXm3pBw5f102gq2aF3UJPflELeFSXYlase0CmSKgbAbechyphenhyphenElyuZ6KBKQdUVI2aMEFJjtwRpDR5tamTxzN7QCWajU08tu3efwjKnWv8wfvJRUuvoY4urg7q9xXqjjXNF3SE4tJ87Hca3/s640/IMG_2672.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>.. </b>but a girl like her<b>, wearing her heart on her sleeves, </b>it's obvious that it'll be impossible.</i></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0jnKDP_FMSrbY_3BX9hnLL4Qu0hTIextdzlHRHiqdphmHa5mbAH1IX2zMIQEmAz_ZoZKaNmoP9SnXs4EHnvHAeGyOOzs96T8JZUYtHHip-E7OynABRp_7PWWCHV2OGUAix7okC67xC1P4/s1600/IMG_2835.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0jnKDP_FMSrbY_3BX9hnLL4Qu0hTIextdzlHRHiqdphmHa5mbAH1IX2zMIQEmAz_ZoZKaNmoP9SnXs4EHnvHAeGyOOzs96T8JZUYtHHip-E7OynABRp_7PWWCHV2OGUAix7okC67xC1P4/s640/IMG_2835.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
.<i><b>.</b>we can already tell , for sure, that<b> </b>this is gonna be<b> another</b> blind commitment </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>- foolish and absurd.</b></i></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgULewAaYoLo4CcodzST-aPlduGHhMdzxoChsnNeTqiksSEl0FzFRbACRqjbXEM74h7Q0SXgSTwg8HG4uH5_dkLX8A_2IlwmeTTgbLr6ZSkSQ0TCXCfBOPFLs6HpnQEOb6qI7GnYi1_biBz/s1600/IMG_2907.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1203" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgULewAaYoLo4CcodzST-aPlduGHhMdzxoChsnNeTqiksSEl0FzFRbACRqjbXEM74h7Q0SXgSTwg8HG4uH5_dkLX8A_2IlwmeTTgbLr6ZSkSQ0TCXCfBOPFLs6HpnQEOb6qI7GnYi1_biBz/s640/IMG_2907.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>but hey.. <b>she looks happy</b> , right?</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGQsJ4NCDOp42k13KKf3VXAccJxh-Q4bYX68KLW36xJqt4CZboki30GejwJkbSNkwlx03KEGs-2IqNAtmjSSJiJ4skTZnJJqD5rpezpx74X3sBUZac5WfTlLU57WNObz2IILNJvJ7Jc9PS/s1600/45063150_2222370417776117_4582088771725426688_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGQsJ4NCDOp42k13KKf3VXAccJxh-Q4bYX68KLW36xJqt4CZboki30GejwJkbSNkwlx03KEGs-2IqNAtmjSSJiJ4skTZnJJqD5rpezpx74X3sBUZac5WfTlLU57WNObz2IILNJvJ7Jc9PS/s640/45063150_2222370417776117_4582088771725426688_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>so let her keep her love</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>in this fleeting moment</b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>and let her wear that dreamy eyes everyday. </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #660000;">(and boy oh boy, let's pray this won't hurt her badly when she falls back to earth)</span></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
- T</div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-49872487126483354252018-10-18T05:30:00.002+08:002018-10-18T05:30:37.567+08:00Uncertainty : Of dreams, hope and (maybe) you?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/PUNNCVf9o4A/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/PUNNCVf9o4A?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
For the past few days,<br />
heck, for the past one year I have been disturbed by this thought.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>THAT I WILL END UP ALONE.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><br /></b></div>
That no one will love me ..<br />
just enough to make him pluck up his courage and ask for my hand.<br />
<br />
I mean.<br />
I don't know if this is just something hormonal, me PMS-ing or whatnot.<br />
But I can tell you for sure that I am so disturbed by this idea of (ended up) living alone.<br />
My eyes will swell up with tears and my heart is aching every single time I had this thought.<br />
<br />
I don't know how people perceive me.<br />
I am very much sociable.<br />
I am ready for commitment.<br />
I mean.. I wanna be commited to something.<br />
or someone.<br />
Just let me have a chance !<br />
<br />
I'm a good catch.<br />
I'm funny<br />
I'm nice<br />
I can cook well<br />
<strike>I wanna say I'm pretty too </strike><br />
and I am a proud domestic goddess!<br />
Like .. urghhhh.. I feel so frustrated while typing all this stuff.<br />
DID NO ONE NOTICE ME ?!! like.. at all?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>What is there not to like about me? :( </b></div>
<br />
OMG i feel like a kid, whining about the candy I couldn't get.<br />
Kept away in a glass jar on the top shelf in the kitchen.<br />
I know it's there.. but I couldn't reach for it.<br />
<br />
Allahu.. I feel so lonely at times , that I couldn't even describe it.<br />
I told other people about it,<br />
how sometimes I feel so miserable I just let myself cry to sleep,<br />
I shouldn't be feeling like this, kan?<br />
and I don't want to resort to doing haraam things.. like .. idk.. Tinder? haha.<br />
<br />
I'm laughing and crying at the same time right now.<br />
This is just another level of meroyan.. haha. <br />
Do you get how painful this is for me?<br />
yet, I couldn't do anything about it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>O Allah, this waiting game is too much on me. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Grant me strength to stay true to your Deen </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>and bless me with guidance too. </b></div>
<br />
<br />
Did the world ran out of 'nice guy' supplies?<br />
Did I overqualified to be a good wife?<br />
or was I underqualified, still?<br />
What should I do to improve myself?<br />
What should I do to be like ... her?<br />
She looks so nice in her white dress though<br />
oh wait.. that was 6 months ago.<br />
Now she's pregnant with her first child?!<br />
She's 5 years younger than me!<br />
Whatever happens to the theory of<br />
different timeline<br />
And I'm just rotting away<br />
while filling up my minimum dose of romance<br />
by watching dramas and reading comics<br />
and listening to my friend's story of how sweet their partners are<br />
and helping them brainstorming about the wedding plans<br />
and what type of flowers will match their veil and laces<br />
and which shoes to put on ,<br />
just enough to make them look like a queen<br />
and rocking that super long dress<br />
but not overly done<br />
so that the groom will still look relatively taller<br />
<br />
I mean... I am too much invested in the idea that -<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>MARRIAGE IS EVERYTHING I NEED TO COMPLETE MY LIFE NOW.</b></div>
<br />
<br />
But.<br />
I have my own dreams to realize..<br />
I have plans that I want to execute<br />
I'll be moving out and about<br />
I'll be running around<br />
I should be running around<br />
so i dont think I can fit anyone at the moment<br />
I definitely can't fit you in my plans now.<br />
Coz.. If you're in the plan...<br />
.. I'm afraid you'll be the only plan.<br />
<br />
I cannot afford to lose my dreams and my visions<br />
and all the stuff I swore I'd do to make the world a better place<br />
I cannot be greedy, my life is not entirely about me.. kan?<br />
I cannot fit you anywhere in my life..<br />
..so I have to stay this way<br />
..alone and miserable still.<br />
<br />
I can't whine anymore.<br />
I shouldn't be whining.<br />
I guess..<br />
This is the price of having a dream.<br />
<br />
:(<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">O Allah..</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Untie this knots in my chest</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Unravel this mess I've created in my mine</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Mend my broken heart </span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">Complete the missing pieces I've spent my life trying to fix</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #990000;">My life and my death is Yours.. and Yours only.</span></b></i></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-68373043262235277352018-08-22T05:19:00.001+08:002018-08-22T06:03:00.487+08:00A very happy Eid indeed :)Assalamualaikum<br />
<br />
(side note: I'm having trouble typing with my index finger because of the cut I got while cleaning the cans yesterday.. sigh.. so easily injured)<br />
<br />
<br />
Alhamdulillah.<br />
We are blessed with an opportunity to celebrate our eidul adha here in Cork for the.. emmm.. I think it's our 4th time now? And the best part about this year's eid is -- WE WALKED TO THE MOSQUE!<br />
<br />
I know it's not really an achievement, many other people did that. But for me, that is my first time. And I feel sooo happy walking to the mosque and perform my Eid prayer with my housemates. I just love them :)<br />
<br />
And alhamdulillah, last night we managed to prepare 2 dishes for our Raya Putlock - We made Laksam and Rendang Ayam. Alhamdulillah all turns out well (though there's a bit of drama in the beginning of not being able to get the right consistency of the batter, but we did well in the end biiznillah). And everything we made is super yummy and people liked it! alhamdulillah :)<br />
<br />
O yeah, so back at the mosque. The khutbah reminds me of the things I really hate to do - sacrifice. Honestly, I don't like sacrificing because - I feel like I lose what I gave. And I don't like the feeling of losing something .. ( err prolly because I thought I have lost so much but in fact Allah has given me more ni'mah in return Alhamdulillah)<br />
<br />
The khatib mentioned a story about Hajr and Ibrahim, and how they have to sacrifice. But Hajr was so clear that the instruction came from Allah - and she let it all happen. She's completely redha :)<br />
<br />
That strikes me, that whatever I thought I own or lose in this world is not mine to begin with, and it's just worldly thing anyway. The fact that I feel so much agony and pain over the past few years is because I'm still very much attached to everything in this world and I'm attached to the idea that I own things :(<br />
<br />
That is bad.<br />
Very bad.<br />
<br />
So tim, please understand that sometimes Allah takes a little bit from you to see how you react to His action. Show that you are able to grow out of the pain and prove that you love Allah and His plans more than what He gave/take from you. Build that sincerity from deep within and InshaAllah no matter what happen, you'll feel more at ease.<br />
<br />
That's pretty much what I'd like to say in this post.<br />
I'm just gonna attach some photos to commemorate other things that I did with my friends today :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK3OwA5xfac6wYHTAUPNtffhbIqPG84ssnLHX-90OBKygKn0FvV0T2cFtalQLn0odxAPNNps6LY0NwilEBRUG3XF-In77_C_CdLSsnwaq_Lr1ibq6wVqbRdj0AWfTi5u8_WHcd7HtWS0-q/s1600/39899885_2159927584297085_8816694081951367168_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK3OwA5xfac6wYHTAUPNtffhbIqPG84ssnLHX-90OBKygKn0FvV0T2cFtalQLn0odxAPNNps6LY0NwilEBRUG3XF-In77_C_CdLSsnwaq_Lr1ibq6wVqbRdj0AWfTi5u8_WHcd7HtWS0-q/s320/39899885_2159927584297085_8816694081951367168_n.jpg" width="320" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgraVYdPMvpjeVibK4UWZjthN5oY9gDGGom-2RQTlkDt3zz0pNXvLdku88RBGhkQE0_JSsY3TpsQV4eKj1v3hQbRB4wKs2NlqnuFSq6atfru9k9O2j4-801kfOjnFuCBqyMdy1s1eCFbYzD/s1600/39744791_1120895828057940_944228481053491200_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgraVYdPMvpjeVibK4UWZjthN5oY9gDGGom-2RQTlkDt3zz0pNXvLdku88RBGhkQE0_JSsY3TpsQV4eKj1v3hQbRB4wKs2NlqnuFSq6atfru9k9O2j4-801kfOjnFuCBqyMdy1s1eCFbYzD/s320/39744791_1120895828057940_944228481053491200_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfegBrXwS51jhlbg1GH1uEdP38BiIvUH3Ktoza_YCGvF5u5lKxh2GM2TIlmRS6wOT5mVusNicxkC36ff_GPCWpznr3SFk1F_Jqh2RHdPED4WPU4sVIY65NUOwV7xZRDXz0rhHxkykSZRwM/s1600/39786407_2188480841363554_7090657595974746112_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1202" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfegBrXwS51jhlbg1GH1uEdP38BiIvUH3Ktoza_YCGvF5u5lKxh2GM2TIlmRS6wOT5mVusNicxkC36ff_GPCWpznr3SFk1F_Jqh2RHdPED4WPU4sVIY65NUOwV7xZRDXz0rhHxkykSZRwM/s320/39786407_2188480841363554_7090657595974746112_n.jpg" width="240" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyIP4ZtP67HJGjbaDJxLPJOLT-WknvhGaJWrvliFvYVV-DeKLc2pY8ojZoMxXMlPVPFnlFbgjRst6cNzjD8eF8Dlc8uB3B8_eoEGy41dGpt2KThgH8g38pe-rx_0ClO5RYpqVc6Hj-O-DV/s1600/39760613_1863221363766217_4197992715482300416_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyIP4ZtP67HJGjbaDJxLPJOLT-WknvhGaJWrvliFvYVV-DeKLc2pY8ojZoMxXMlPVPFnlFbgjRst6cNzjD8eF8Dlc8uB3B8_eoEGy41dGpt2KThgH8g38pe-rx_0ClO5RYpqVc6Hj-O-DV/s320/39760613_1863221363766217_4197992715482300416_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRClcc7Vv1bL9Zjp4d-uGfGeOKys5ZZYM3rbyYHgqzFG0tC4DimbAs6w1-3hJx5wbRr3itBtSlZEMIHN7e1r28WD7pdsvM7Y_oATlCaYdXBxn-gKWFHbTlL8prNimjZftW3stKo7gN_YW/s1600/39735837_293452234573838_5302552862566383616_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixRClcc7Vv1bL9Zjp4d-uGfGeOKys5ZZYM3rbyYHgqzFG0tC4DimbAs6w1-3hJx5wbRr3itBtSlZEMIHN7e1r28WD7pdsvM7Y_oATlCaYdXBxn-gKWFHbTlL8prNimjZftW3stKo7gN_YW/s640/39735837_293452234573838_5302552862566383616_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw2UebfI0D_Lj-ce2BLsj5cwdBt9oluajT03Xgby2NUGhR5xmFwrgFrS0bOMLsHYYk1xbsic_xBnPnSBI9OJWH70l9W6-at4QULmuSwblMbPJ5JpwT3bvnugGXWVB8CpByDd0MkGsMFIiD/s1600/39900344_2598155673741970_4077408175752478720_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw2UebfI0D_Lj-ce2BLsj5cwdBt9oluajT03Xgby2NUGhR5xmFwrgFrS0bOMLsHYYk1xbsic_xBnPnSBI9OJWH70l9W6-at4QULmuSwblMbPJ5JpwT3bvnugGXWVB8CpByDd0MkGsMFIiD/s640/39900344_2598155673741970_4077408175752478720_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><b>May Allah bless us all and protect us from any danger.</b></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><b>May He grant us strength when we need it most.</b></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: #990000;"><b>And may He guides us in whatever we do :) </b></span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Alhamdullilah for the best gift today, Ya Allah </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Alhamdulillah wanastaghfirullah ... </span></i><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">I'm officially a final year student :) </span></i></div>
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-17975110474674753632018-08-05T02:35:00.002+08:002018-08-05T02:35:41.827+08:00Summer Elective: With the vampire(s)Assalamualaikum.<br />
<br />
(again, I'm noting this down so that I can recollect the memories when I wanted to.. ya know, like after graduation in 2019? InshaAllah. Ameen.)<br />
<br />
Alhamdulillah I managed to spend a week with the Haematology team in Cork University Hospital (CUH). It was a great experience, one I wouldn't trade for anything else.<br />
<br />
It all started last year? I think. I thought hard to decide whether I should do my summer elective here, in Ireland, or when I'm back in Malaysia.<br />
<br />
So after thinking and discussing this matter with a friend, I came to a conclusion that I should complete the whole 4 weeks here. Better opportunity to spend more time getting used to the systems and the syllabus.<br />
<br />
I applied for obsgyn, paeds, surgery, neuro, palliative and haem. But Allah has decreed that I managed to secure attachment with palliative, haem and neuro only (in that order).<br />
<br />
So this week, I'm with the blood team (or the Vampires hihi)<br />
<br />
Before starting the elective with them , I heard rumours about the team. How they are very stern with students, very particular about how things are, they'd snap at you if you are not reaching their expectations, they actually make someone cried and bla bla bla..<br />
<br />
Honestly, I was a bit scared.<br />
My hands are cold that morning.<br />
I have sweats running down my back .. like all the time<br />
(but maybe it's because of the heatwave in Europe hihi)<br />
<br />
After spending a few days with the head of the team, that was rumoured to be a very 'garang' person, I got to see why she's acting like that and why people hate her.<br />
<br />
She is a very good doctor.<br />
An ideal one i'd say.<br />
She adresses the patient with honorifics even when she's not around them.<br />
She even corrected me when I was trying to present a case to her (and at that time I was not using honorifics to address them). She said it sounds disrespectful.. in which, I agree.<br />
<br />
She treats her patients with the best care possible.<br />
Making sure that they are feeling comfortable and sent back home.. as a happy individual.<br />
I appreciate how she actually takes time to explain a disease / a medication / a simple form to her patients.. and she did it with a smile and in the best manner.<br />
<br />
She treats us, the students, very seriously.<br />
She includes us in every meetings, handovers, journal club and clinics.<br />
she makes sure that we actually understand stuff by asking us questions ... and though most of the time we're unable to answer it, she wouldn't flip!<br />
She appreciate hard work and dedications that you put in completing tasks given.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMj3nqhjmMZCGhBmmSK6O2zFJ1MNWeODT_egUepQELAHjbFWpMia4_-4MxDfpbC9zbCuSdPQGmlWkPNBagG03jKFd6-E863GEWnKN2skK14cCxsmlPV6xBe27MKMmZ2MuCE27tfYbIjO_R/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-08-04+at+7.29.21+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="501" data-original-width="379" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMj3nqhjmMZCGhBmmSK6O2zFJ1MNWeODT_egUepQELAHjbFWpMia4_-4MxDfpbC9zbCuSdPQGmlWkPNBagG03jKFd6-E863GEWnKN2skK14cCxsmlPV6xBe27MKMmZ2MuCE27tfYbIjO_R/s400/Screen+Shot+2018-08-04+at+7.29.21+PM.png" width="302" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With H. <br />(Apart from the bloods, I got to know about this girl a lil more. <br />SHE IS SO CUTE! k I'm not a freak k)<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Honestly, I aspire to be as good as her.<br />
A doctor.<br />
and a teacher.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't mind to be part of that team again.<br />
From consultants, SpR, reg, SHO and even the interns are suuuuuuper nice and cooperative.<br />
And despite the workload that they have, they actually make time to check on us and entertain our questions if we have any :)<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm gonna miss them, the bloodsuckers and bone marrow extractors <3 p="">Hope to see you guys again :p<br />
<br />
<br />
She asked me about my plan after graduation. I said I might go back because my mom wants me back in Malaysia.<br />
<br />
She said this in reply "You might wanna think about it again. If you have Ireland in your list of 'work experience', that would make it easier for you to enter other countries like US or UK. And the training here is better I think."<br />
<br />
and to that statement, I replied: "Yeah. I think I might think about it again :) . Thank you."<br />
<br />
<br />
So ... now. Let's work hard to graduate with honours, and maybe... apply for internship here?<br />
Should I ask ibu first? :/ I'm in a dilemma.. again.<br />
<br />
<br />
Let's make a lot of doa and istikharah over the year. May Allah ease my decision making process :)<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Merriweather, serif; font-size: 14px;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000;">"O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessing in it. And if You know that this matter is not good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.”</span></i></b></span></blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></3>TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-55655519901569877392018-07-30T00:41:00.002+08:002018-07-30T00:46:01.662+08:00Summer Elective : A week living with the dying. Assalamualaikum wbt.<br />
<br />
(idk why I started to feel awkward to start my post with this. Maybe because I don't think anyone will read the stuff I wrote here. Oh well.. )<br />
<br />
<br />
Anyway.<br />
Last week (from the 23rd July - 27th July) I did my summer elective at one of the best hospice in Ireland. Emm I'm not sure if the word 'best' is appropriate to describe a hospice though. So a hospice is basically a hospital that caters to end-of life care.<br />
<br />
I started the week feeling so pumped up with adrenaline, I have prepared myself to witness the thing I feared most in medical field - watching your patient die!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj259rGFOyibhQdrHoYs5CbkttQyh-2LrEUBNTA26akVsVa55x_Yyf8XS4KmkCVuVmZ08kDD6Tj5a0-EiYHHI-KqkbAC-go65BaCtppbaRGfhrh3TI8uFMzokXeQEFgSC60rDIA8yJQRNVk/s1600/37974670_1829207723834711_4233451231038668800_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj259rGFOyibhQdrHoYs5CbkttQyh-2LrEUBNTA26akVsVa55x_Yyf8XS4KmkCVuVmZ08kDD6Tj5a0-EiYHHI-KqkbAC-go65BaCtppbaRGfhrh3TI8uFMzokXeQEFgSC60rDIA8yJQRNVk/s400/37974670_1829207723834711_4233451231038668800_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So I walked into Marymount Hospice in Curraheen with that mindset - I want to be stronger emotionally. I want to be prepared. I want to learn how not to get affected by loss(es). The reason I choose palliative care for my elective is mostly what I said above .. and a tiny bit of I-havent-had-this-kind-of-exposure-in-fourth-year and also a little bit of this-one-week-elective-gonna-fly-without-much-learning-to-do.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I started the week with MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting , there I met my supervisor (Dr Marie Murphy), the Reg and SHO (Ciara and Dierdre) , the staff nurse ( I call her V) , the pastor (Daniel) and the community staff nurse (Mary) and the ward manager (Ger) . They were soooo nice and welcoming. I feel great.. but halfway through the meeting, my sleepiness from jetlag started to kick in. I cant believe I dozed off for a few secs, i hope no one notice that!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So the week went by with MDT, ward rounds, coffe breaks, more ward rounds, taking history and do examination on stable patients, listening to doc's prognosis on some of them was hard, but that's part and parcel of the job. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I started to feel like : this is such a bad place to work in. Some of the patients I see during ward rounds are feeling low -almost all the time. Prolly because they are lonely and thinking of the ones they will leave soon. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I asked my supervisor one fine morning "The patients are feeling low, you can't cure their disease / illness. Why palliative care though? What drives you to continue?"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So Dr Marie Murphy gave me the best answer anyone could, she ask me back. What's the principles of providing healthcare? </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And I was stunned. All I know is "DO NO HARM" lol. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
She added <b><i>"..Do no harm, do good to patient, respect their autonomy, and respect the use of your resources"</i></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So she explained on how we must care for the patient as an individual, striving to ease their pain, giving them chances to live in comfort and pain-free, improving their quality of life for no matter how many days/weeks they have left. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Those things.. matters to the patient..maybe more than just having the chance to live an extended period of time but constantly in pain, unable to eat, and feeling weak all the time. What's the good in that?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
and she corrected me : "and you know what, not all of our patient here died in this facility. Some of them gets better than how they presented at first. We treated their symptoms and we are happy, as much as they are happy to go back home and spend their time with their family. That .. to me, is a good motivation"</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CiZVXemZ4gp0ljRjU-JvyO4etRq8Fm4jVmddJKqRr_Eb_bD44mfhC8XBdgSLcYc9VGgfMxSgHg5ZAWwZNIlkLACYNhXWT2DT-wY9tP2PoH73NcPtSS5aG4kQC1c4uKxoelXJ5_bHGcwA/s1600/37958665_1829207633834720_1380301707526799360_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CiZVXemZ4gp0ljRjU-JvyO4etRq8Fm4jVmddJKqRr_Eb_bD44mfhC8XBdgSLcYc9VGgfMxSgHg5ZAWwZNIlkLACYNhXWT2DT-wY9tP2PoH73NcPtSS5aG4kQC1c4uKxoelXJ5_bHGcwA/s400/37958665_1829207633834720_1380301707526799360_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
This place might not be as big as Cork Uni Hospital, with hundreds of beds. But I like the ambience here, I love the lessons I learn - as a doctor, you do not treat your patient's symptoms like crossing off things from your list. Treating an individual is more than that. To make them feel human again. To make their life worth living. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Iw_srcnhdsFq7nAIwfL2z040VGJG6oQ6Y_plmjSXTNFsTsch1ga544v-FTLjoRU07xDShKfuzHI0NQ1jMosSS_UMEoS1A6G_DbszBKk1uHu9ca-HR4UEHa4kc8eyWf6fhgPdfEYMwWdY/s1600/38001511_1829207453834738_6185267580761014272_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9Iw_srcnhdsFq7nAIwfL2z040VGJG6oQ6Y_plmjSXTNFsTsch1ga544v-FTLjoRU07xDShKfuzHI0NQ1jMosSS_UMEoS1A6G_DbszBKk1uHu9ca-HR4UEHa4kc8eyWf6fhgPdfEYMwWdY/s400/38001511_1829207453834738_6185267580761014272_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
As I walk down the stairs for one last time, I thought to myself. If I can't treat hundreds of patients each day, having one that genuinely feel good after our encounter is all I need as motivation and drive to continue. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
This job is never a fulfilling one if what you seek is popularity and good money. I hope I can keep my intention pure in providing what's best for my patient, using my resources as ethically as I can and respecting them as human beings .. and not just another case to settle before I go back and hit the bed.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>And I think.. it is okay to have soft and mushy heart that breaks </b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>every time I experience loss(es), witnessing death </b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>and other bad news that I have to deliver to my patient </b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><b>as I see their expressions become gloomier. </b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It is okay to feel bad, to shed tears. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
It is part of our human emotions.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Let's not lose the empathy every single one of us should have.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
With that in mind - I hope I can grow to become a good doctor. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
One that can give my best in any given situation. InshaAllah. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>"Rabbanaa laa tuzigh quloobanaa ba’da i<u>th</u> hadaytanaa </i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>wahab lanaa min ladunka ra<u>h</u>matan innaka antal-wahhaab"</i></span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="text-align: center;">“Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate (from the truth) </span><span style="text-align: center;">after You have guided us</span></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i>and grant us mercy from Yourself . Indeed, You are the Bestower.”</i></span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJNLMkg7ukutWf97XoemI6iWQ8IrnMaaxjHFoXzY5SNkcF4gO1ZD_C93RyN6D8DmxbYrw4CvupMFWw9AxyNdeUl41l9jQSqLFPH2SCvbS31vefZH9QdvMpaR2QpZP-PhziB29khs7sFPGt/s1600/37969210_1829207437168073_7304205066443948032_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1150" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJNLMkg7ukutWf97XoemI6iWQ8IrnMaaxjHFoXzY5SNkcF4gO1ZD_C93RyN6D8DmxbYrw4CvupMFWw9AxyNdeUl41l9jQSqLFPH2SCvbS31vefZH9QdvMpaR2QpZP-PhziB29khs7sFPGt/s640/37969210_1829207437168073_7304205066443948032_n.jpg" width="460" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On my last day, I saw this on the reception desk. I can't help but to capture it. :) </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-27535213941355759732018-07-22T00:55:00.003+08:002018-07-22T00:55:42.173+08:00Going back in time.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCpQsAKuX6V1J9nTQIqKgaCVJ9Lkqo4C9cdxfT5oTj1HORLaErAjHyRpfvSGBT5cUUCS582r9F7kW9r9rr9JaaMa5_k-QqqE3DU-Liv24m8gZL4AxqmV2YjSZW-YirQD1yR4pForY8sa-d/s1600/IMG_3150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCpQsAKuX6V1J9nTQIqKgaCVJ9Lkqo4C9cdxfT5oTj1HORLaErAjHyRpfvSGBT5cUUCS582r9F7kW9r9rr9JaaMa5_k-QqqE3DU-Liv24m8gZL4AxqmV2YjSZW-YirQD1yR4pForY8sa-d/s400/IMG_3150.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
As I flew against the timezone<br />
I can't help but to travel back in time<br />
back to when it all started.<br />
<br />
Those days I hold dearly in my heart..<br />
..they are so beautiful, right?<br />
<br />
And because they were so beautiful<br />
To me.. (perhaps to both of us)<br />
that makes them precious.<br />
Too precious I'd say.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggorYY0brwVIGuEk8GjnBw2qn4Z9YhjM4SY-OYwFZFIkXHN0raqwqF3bu390hez_G0t7PxvBbTn52L7T8dw-ORl3FThl4tyQ6JPxEgEDO-1OoPjqio91VYXEb5HmTvSO0dZInhuHNo7DjX/s1600/DSC01200.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1069" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggorYY0brwVIGuEk8GjnBw2qn4Z9YhjM4SY-OYwFZFIkXHN0raqwqF3bu390hez_G0t7PxvBbTn52L7T8dw-ORl3FThl4tyQ6JPxEgEDO-1OoPjqio91VYXEb5HmTvSO0dZInhuHNo7DjX/s400/DSC01200.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Part of the clan I do crazy stuff with..</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy30ifHZ7PHT1hLXAjZ4qcqf0mjkvsfxtgRcnL-2Xb64IFOHPL1Mhrgc4V7oolzkDgNmRnUgKutUgybU51meWBtm4-3f9O0g_Re7osgzg1DY86s07Rrl7FLMRhPC4SrgervaijLivIgu2A/s1600/IMG_5537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy30ifHZ7PHT1hLXAjZ4qcqf0mjkvsfxtgRcnL-2Xb64IFOHPL1Mhrgc4V7oolzkDgNmRnUgKutUgybU51meWBtm4-3f9O0g_Re7osgzg1DY86s07Rrl7FLMRhPC4SrgervaijLivIgu2A/s400/IMG_5537.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Part of the troop I learn more about myself and my direction in life..</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyHVvaaVXTSV16Oh9pvawXUKF_TJSN42K4xeo4MsVai7WhPk9B62XtH9aGi4VWYoAOPB8MeCfkMzpDm_pa_PbLZBTbNdV5YZ5EprNu8QgUS6LeM0R3VvgSFU2sUHbJZWSN-R-oAX3o6cDv/s1600/IMG_6151.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1280" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyHVvaaVXTSV16Oh9pvawXUKF_TJSN42K4xeo4MsVai7WhPk9B62XtH9aGi4VWYoAOPB8MeCfkMzpDm_pa_PbLZBTbNdV5YZ5EprNu8QgUS6LeM0R3VvgSFU2sUHbJZWSN-R-oAX3o6cDv/s400/IMG_6151.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">More than just friends, more than just 'sisters'.. <br />idk maybe, pain in my ass? yeah.. sounds like it :p </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i>I hope I will always remember those days when we were together. :)</i></b></div>
<br />
<br />
<div>
(Oh! and all the memories engraved in my heart but got no picture to attach.. haha.. you guys are awesome too) </div>
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-15236440286268597302018-07-12T15:44:00.003+08:002018-07-12T15:44:36.095+08:00Ellipsis (...)<br />
Have you ever been in a situation, where you are helplessly waiting for the next thing in life to happen but you just can't help to guess the possible outcome?<br />
<br />
I think that's where I am now.<br />
<br />
Almost everyday, I woke up feeling ... empty. I will look for my phone, and like any other day, there's no new texts. No missed calls. No one.. is looking for me. So I put it under my pillow again while I give out a heavy sigh.<br />
<br />
I thought I could live alone, having no close friends means... I can be friend with anyone and everyone, right? I thought it was a gift, to be able to turn on my 'friendly mode' and just talk to anyone in any given situation, in any given room.<br />
<br />
I was wrong.<br />
<br />
It slowly creeps in.. the thought that whatever I have is actually a curse.<br />
<br />
I was too friendly with everyone,<br />
so I forgot to actually make friends.<br />
You know, those who actually stays and cares.<br />
<br />
I was too busy trying to get involved with everyone's affairs.<br />
Huh.. what was I thinking.<br />
Did anyone actually knew what's going on in my life?<br />
<br />
<strike>Not even my family knew what's troubling me.</strike><br />
<br />
All these years, I genuinely believe that the outside world will be just like what I saw on screen.<br />
I grew up watching alot of tv shows, documentaries and movies.<br />
They all ended up with a great ending, where everyone will get their fair share of happiness.<br />
No one will be lonely. No one will end up feeling sad.<br />
Except for the villains, they always get punished at the end right?<br />
<br />
I was so naive, tricked into believing a lie, misled by the fantasies I myself created.<br />
<br />
<b><i>The Ellipsis.</i></b><br />
<b><i>The dots after a sentence.</i></b><br />
<b><i>A pause.</i></b><br />
<b><i>It's where a sentence trails off.</i></b><br />
<br />
I'm not a villain.<br />
I'm always kind to everyone.<br />
If I didn't, I knew I actually tried to.<br />
<br />
Then, why do I feel like I'm being punished in these indefinite dots in my life?<br />
I feel like I was hang out to dry.<br />
<br />
Slowly, every bits of happiness and joy,<br />
every single good memories I kept in my heart,<br />
every little energy and passion,<br />
everything is slowly disappearing.<br />
<br />
But watching the news of kids being tortured to death,<br />
Babies murdered by the real evil force out there,<br />
It makes me believe that I don't have any rights to feel beaten.<br />
I should pick myslef up.<br />
I should dust off my scraped knees.<br />
<br />
This ellipsis won't lasts long.<br />
That's not how it works.<br />
My whole story is not complete yet.<br />
I'm not even done with this sad chapter.<br />
<br />
This is the part where I take pause to build myself up and continue to write my story.<br />
I have faith that I'm not meant to stay in my room all day , listening to sappy old songs.<br />
I am destined for something great. Something bigger.<br />
<br />
If my passion in something is disappearing, then I'll find a new passion, a new goal.<br />
If the good memories are forgotten one by one, then I'll head out and make new memories.<br />
If I'm not happy now, I can always try other things that will somehow leads me to my happy ending.<br />
<br />
The key is to not give up.<br />
The key is to not let out those heavy sigh.<br />
<br />
I'll open up a new chapter.<br />
I'll write with confidence with my fountain pen.<br />
The one where I'm stronger.<br />
One where I am not afraid of being alone.<br />
The path to greatness, and going extra miles are not crowded.<br />
<br />
My story might not be similar to those you came across out there.<br />
Mine is..slightly longer.<br />
Not just one with more adventures, conflicts and drama,<br />
but also more exciting events, more surprising characters will come along<br />
and the ending will be spectacular!<br />
<br />
<b><i>I will not give up easily.</i></b><br />
<br />
This ellipsis won't lasts long.<br />
Have faith in yourself, Tim.<br />
Have faith in Allah :)<br />
<br />
<i><b>Ya Allah</b></i><br />
<i><b>I seek your refuge from incapacity, laziness, </b></i><br />
<i><b>cowardice and miserliness.</b></i><br />
<i><b>Grant my soul taqwaa, and purify it, </b></i><br />
<i><b>You are the One to purify it,</b></i><br />
<i><b>You are its Guardian and its Lord. </b></i><br />
<br />
<b><i>Ameen. </i></b><br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-36837814181577448352018-07-10T00:36:00.002+08:002018-07-10T00:36:23.669+08:00A little thing called...... I was flipping through some random novel I found on my bedside when I was reminded of a funny thing that happened this year.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I think I should just put it here, so when I'm older, I'll be able to read this again and just laugh (like what I did now! ) Disclaimer : This is just a funny lesson , I think I should immortalize it in my blog. :p</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
_____</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hari Ahad lepas, aku jumpa balik dengan kawan-kawan sekolah menengah. Let's just name them as F, T and N. Saban tahun, aktiviti wajib mestilah makan, lepak dan borak tentang semua perkara yang telah menjadi highlight hidup dalam setahun yang lepas.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Selalunya.. hampir semua berkisar relationship.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tak tahu kenapa! Mungkin sebab sejak mula berkawan di sekolah menengah, memang itu topik yang seronok untuk diceritakan sebab masing-masing boleh berlawan kisah siapa paling sedih (atau lucu)</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jadi aku buka cerita tentang hidup seorang Fatimah yang masuk usia 25, dan entah keberanian jenis apa yang merasuk tubuh untuk tahun ini... aku buat semua perkara gila yang tak pernah aku lakukan sebelum ini! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Contoh pertama - aku minta penjelasan dari kawan zaman sekolah tentang hal lama. Kalau orang lain, mesti dah tutup kambus habis, siap timbunkan daun kering untuk hilangkan tanda kewujudan hal yang mahu ditanam dalam-dalam.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi seorang Tim (yang entah keberaniannya datang dari mana) tiba-tiba sahaja whatsapp dan minta penjelasan. Bila fikirkan balik, Ya Allah kesian kat kawan tu. Dia elok-elok dah bahagia dengan kehidupan dia, tiba-tiba seorang kawan lama yang entah dia masih ingat atau tak.. tiba-tiba contact balik, untuk tanya pasal hal remeh. HAL BUDAK-BUDAK. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I think I make myself looks even more weird. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Still, aku happy bila dapat jawapan sebenar. Yang aku sebenarnya bukan dijadikan target untuk dimainkan. Bukan kijang lembik yang terpilih sebab kelihatan macam easy prey. Benda ni nampak kecil di mata orang lain. Isu yang kalau aku tanya pada orang lain, semua akan capai kata putus yang sama "tak payahlah fikir panjang-panjang".Tapi aku tak tahu macam-mana otak aku boleh ada kapsiti untuk simpan semua memori. <strike>Maklumat penting yang lain, taknak pulak disimpannya.</strike></div>
<div>
<strike><br /></strike></div>
<div>
Bila dah ada closure untuk kisah lama, barulah aku rasa macam... this is just a simple thing! Kenapa tak tanya dari duluuuuuu... aduh terbazir space dalam hati sebab benci dan marah pada orang yang tak perlu dibenci atau dimarahi.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
___</div>
<div>
<strike><br /></strike></div>
<div>
Contoh kedua - apabila aku tanya directly kepada kawan lelaki aku, tentang posisi aku dlm hidup dia. Ini sebenarnya, bila aku ingat semula pun, rasa macam astaghfirullah.. hantu mana masuk dlm badan malam tu ! Tiba-tiba rasa macam nak clarify, so I just ask him right away. And that.. is sooo not me. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Growing up, aku dah biasa hidup dlm zon kelabu. Aku rasa aku memang tak boleh berkawan rapat dengan lelaki. Sejenis mudah tergelincir.. kau faham tak? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jadi, aku selesa dalam zon selamat. Tiada yang kacau aku, hidup aku tenang dan bahagia. Walaupun dikelilingi kaum sejenis dan kadang-kadang teringin juga nak rasa hidup berteman macam orang lain, tapi aku diamkan aje perasaan itu, sebab aku pun tahu priorities dlm hidup. <strike>And.. hakikatnya memang takde orang nak ngorat kita pun. </strike> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jadi bila dah besar sikit, dah mula pandai bergaul dengan member kat universiti, bekerja sama-sama di hospital.. some lines are meant to be crossed. Dan seorang perempuan yang tak reti nak asingkan rasa dalam hati...tergaul rata semua perasaan yang ada.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maka, kesianlah nasib si kawan lelaki yang tiba-tiba kena lecture.</div>
<div>
Hanya sebab aku yang confused dgn perasaan sendiri.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Akhirnya, sepatah kata pun tak lagi bertukar antara kami.</div>
<div>
Ini dikira putus sahabat ke?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tak kisahlah.</div>
<div>
Yang penting, I saved myself from a possible disappointment dan frust menonggeng. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know myself well enough. </div>
<div>
It's either I like someone for a good few hours/days..</div>
<div>
..or I fell hard for yearssssss and yearsssss to come.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
and we dont want that to happen again, kan?</div>
<div>
Letih la one-sided.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
____</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jadi, </div>
<div>
a little thing called courage</div>
<div>
is all you need </div>
<div>
to make yourself more clear </div>
<div>
of your own feelings</div>
<div>
or how others feel towards you.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Perhaps someday,</div>
<div>
this little thing called courage</div>
<div>
can help you to navigate your way </div>
<div>
to find the path towards another little thing.. called love. <3 div=""><div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6WJQA13fEKPEPtxvadaMAsETjXiBOGHWuyFB791cz0KMOmUeqnqktof8IDPI72ntwo3SC-mjAm9DxPEp8xSrdgqSRpuoaFFatucwoX5HEk03_bCnNQQpnQMtnSASWW_QX-OTLHXqvbBE/s1600/14151932_10202300194704232_106335437_o-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1334" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6WJQA13fEKPEPtxvadaMAsETjXiBOGHWuyFB791cz0KMOmUeqnqktof8IDPI72ntwo3SC-mjAm9DxPEp8xSrdgqSRpuoaFFatucwoX5HEk03_bCnNQQpnQMtnSASWW_QX-OTLHXqvbBE/s320/14151932_10202300194704232_106335437_o-2.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sementara tu, carilah bahagia dengan bersahabat dengan alam. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</3></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-10003545597364082422018-06-02T07:10:00.001+08:002018-06-02T07:10:10.162+08:00To forgive and forget.<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Reconcile with your past.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrq0mINkHAScrGbgNOEQl696GhXXVYAqQA7IBFKl9okrnQswCGOs9BV7J7jnWSBPgTwq4mIEVAWVjeDk1k1TTpYFZmKYYtT5VGDi_9Kkx0IWr_LZO532NIkvHesj3jAyjhvsrwEnWNscSW/s1600/21284617_1472725349482952_1568198916_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="852" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrq0mINkHAScrGbgNOEQl696GhXXVYAqQA7IBFKl9okrnQswCGOs9BV7J7jnWSBPgTwq4mIEVAWVjeDk1k1TTpYFZmKYYtT5VGDi_9Kkx0IWr_LZO532NIkvHesj3jAyjhvsrwEnWNscSW/s640/21284617_1472725349482952_1568198916_o.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Let them go.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Let go of your past mistakes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Stop blaming yourself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Forgive yourself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
..and try to forget..</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for the n-th time.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Please, Tim?</i></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-91234040934431775802018-05-28T06:52:00.001+08:002018-07-30T05:20:48.227+08:00Of robes, mortarboard and scrolls. I woke up that morning without a smile.<br />
I sit up, feeling unmotivated to leave my bed.<br />
I draw the curtains and the sky greets me with its brightest shade of blue.<br />
I smile a bit.. but it quickly fades away.<br />
<br />
<i>"What a beautiful day to graduate, right?"</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
The voices inside my head started to whisper it's darkest thoughts.<br />
It echoes and it repeats after itself, indefinitely.<br />
Even as I was taking my shower (and crying under the running water) ,<br />
as I choose my best attire to go out to show that I am doing just fine,<br />
as I put on my make up to cover the dark circles and swollen face,<br />
as I practice my smile in case it looks forced.<br />
and saying 'congratulations' to the mirror with no genuine feelings in it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV4usdgCjvWpVI1AW-z_ynivWcjyBaDarDiBOCFLlv7RioXzDCauhQ1c1DKzflWzIKrzeSap5DdD4anm6CSejnXv-ZCYGApDlmeiu6X8CqtIA8jBzp-AAd9w2qDRQyb_WNZCorOtK0vr_R/s1600/33606503_1739330416155776_4690961743092908032_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="360" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV4usdgCjvWpVI1AW-z_ynivWcjyBaDarDiBOCFLlv7RioXzDCauhQ1c1DKzflWzIKrzeSap5DdD4anm6CSejnXv-ZCYGApDlmeiu6X8CqtIA8jBzp-AAd9w2qDRQyb_WNZCorOtK0vr_R/s400/33606503_1739330416155776_4690961743092908032_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>I took a picture to commemorate the day I mustered up courage to watch them graduate. </i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
After I perform my Dhuha prayer, my eyes started to get a little bit teary.<br />
I know this day will come.<br />
I thought thousands of times over whether to show up and pretended like it was nothing<br />
or not to show up at all.<br />
<br />
But I decided , at least I have to show my face and say "congratulations" and "all the best" to them.<br />
I might not see any of them anymore.. I should do it, so I won't have any regrets later.<br />
I owe big thanks to Syifa and Sofieya for making me go to see it..<br />
..and take me to town to lift my spirits later.<br />
<br />
If I didn't turn up at all,<br />
my poor Kak Rina won't be having the chance of capturing our usrah together in a photo.<br />
and Shah wouldn't have anyone by her side.<br />
and at least, I should show that I actually showed up to my usrahmates.<br />
<strike>..for this is a closure. I guess, for a long dreadful chapter with them as final years.</strike><br />
<br />
I was picked up by Kak Rina at 12 pm.<br />
I put on my sunnies. <strike>to cover my eyes in case it started to become teary in front of them.</strike><br />
<br />
As I walk towards the quadrangle filled with people,<br />
Kak Rina said she saw Effah.<br />
But my eyes were looking for Syifa and Sofieya first.<br />
I saw them sitting next to idk-who.<br />
We chatted for a bit before I started greeting others and take picture with them.<br />
<br />
I was okay until one clueless friend asked to take a picture of us two..<br />
and she decided to make me hold her scroll while she holds her flowers.<br />
<br />
I scoffed.<br />
I literally looked at the scroll in my hand and I can't believe she actually makes me hold it for her.<br />
I wanted to scream at her face, and throw her hard-earned degree on the green field,<br />
and stomp on it like it was nothing but a piece of paper.<br />
<br />
But I didn't.<br />
Alhamdulillah.<br />
<br />
The scene just keeps on playing in my head while I stand next to her with that scroll in my hands.<br />
I hope it was not captured in the picture how I hated her for making me do it.<br />
<br />
I saw Shah in a distance.<br />
I said hello to her.<br />
<br />
Her eyes quickly becomes teary and so did mine.<br />
We hugged each other for a very long time..<br />
and for the first time, I actually feel like I made the right decision to come.<br />
<br />
We cried as we hugged each other,<br />
and she said thanks for coming.<br />
I genuinely wished her congratulations<br />
and wiped away her tears.<br />
<br />
It was the warmest moment ever in my entire year.<br />
<br />
I saw my usrahmates in a distance.<br />
I know they are expecting me to go there.<br />
So I walked over to them with Kak Rina.<br />
We took a few shots together.<br />
I don't feel like taking any photos that day.<br />
But I did anyway.<br />
<br />
None of them are in my phone.<br />
<br />
As the cameraman give cues to take pictures,<br />
and I plaster my fake smile,<br />
Another voice in my head started to whisper, <i>"Can't you just be happy for them?"</i><br />
I let out a sigh and say - <i>"Don't you think that's too much to ask from me?"</i><br />
<br />
I owe a lot of explanation to the people around me.<br />
But I think, giving explanation would not change anything.<br />
<br />
I will still lock myself in my room when I feel like doing so.<br />
I will still stay up and binge on whatever instant food, dramas or movies.<br />
I will still text S randomly and walk to her place whenever I feel like I need to talk to someone.<br />
I will still choose to ignore those texts from anyone about anything because I don't feel like replying them.<br />
I will still pluck up that dandelions I saw by the roadside and wished for a knight to come and save me as I blow it.<br />
I will still pray to Allah over and over again to give me strength to forgive and forget my mistakes.<br />
<br />
As long as I can keep my sanity.<br />
As long as I can still love myself..<br />
.. a little bit more than self-hate.<br />
<br />
I owe no one any explanations.<br />
I owe no one any apologies.<br />
<br />
Because if I did explain, or ask for their forgiveness,<br />
I have to hear that one sentence that I hate - <i>"We understand." </i><br />
<br />
Honestly no one would.<br />
No one could.<br />
<br />
Only Allah knows how hard I try to keep myself sane while trying my best not to hurt other people.<br />
I didn't want things to end this way, I hope I can make our chapter ends in a better note.<br />
<br />
<br />
Someday, when I feel a little bit better, maybe I will text you guys and ask how you were doing,<br />
how's life and what it felt like to work in a hospital. I will throw in some jokes, and make you laugh at it.... like good old times. Someday, I will genuinely give my whole attention and listen to your stories without having any intention to walk away.<br />
<br />
<br />
But for now, watching you guys in your black robes from a distance is all I can do.<br />
As you throw your mortarboard, and show your scrolls to your family and friends,<br />
all I can do is to wish you a plain, monotonous 'congrats'<br />
then turn around and let out a sigh.<br />
<br />
I hope there is a better way for me to do it -<br />
but this is the best that I could do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1AsObj7v04wx-KrS7w0_smSTZ39SKiDuYwsYw6W9AAaDvTRTkGaB9AKYNrV7qXcd5Axb5AJhvBkgPJ77P9S2bQLouidxe8A6aXcuQo9DrORth8su8lzLcGjRO9WjzRxZvu_edELhho7OV/s1600/DSC_0857.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1064" data-original-width="1600" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1AsObj7v04wx-KrS7w0_smSTZ39SKiDuYwsYw6W9AAaDvTRTkGaB9AKYNrV7qXcd5Axb5AJhvBkgPJ77P9S2bQLouidxe8A6aXcuQo9DrORth8su8lzLcGjRO9WjzRxZvu_edELhho7OV/s400/DSC_0857.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>A little throwback of my favourite picture. InshaAllah your turn will come, sayang.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-63754044572277395492018-05-20T02:15:00.001+08:002018-05-20T02:15:12.267+08:00BlackIt came uninvited.<br />
It crept in , unannounced.<br />
<br />
I said "Should I just.. let you in?"<br />
The black dog stares back at me.<br />
<br />
It was a complete silence..<br />
..before I let it in -<br />
gnawing on whatever's left on my bones.<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-55907098787554887582018-05-16T05:59:00.002+08:002018-05-16T06:00:50.651+08:00Rules of happiness.<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="b4e0m" data-offset-key="8bb2s-0-0" style="color: #1d2129; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.</i><br />
<i>Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!" </i><br />
<i>In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCja4nSy5rJa4YmE62wq-pl15KWfMcwIx6-9u-G4ZNZEGWa-M5RKRWBm2Z3R5UqM9XKywCc-pt94VkDeOnSNnn-kpQQoE5_Ro6rwvr6cXJwW-gQkZ7Lat6ZcD68WniPoJeBEDGy2dkKTRR/s1600/DSC_0092.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCja4nSy5rJa4YmE62wq-pl15KWfMcwIx6-9u-G4ZNZEGWa-M5RKRWBm2Z3R5UqM9XKywCc-pt94VkDeOnSNnn-kpQQoE5_Ro6rwvr6cXJwW-gQkZ7Lat6ZcD68WniPoJeBEDGy2dkKTRR/s320/DSC_0092.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2017 - Blarney Castle, Cork</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today marks the historical day for most of my friends here. The yellow-taggers, the final years are finally allowed to use the title 'Dr.' in front of their names. (yay) They can proudly flaunt it.. because they have worked so hard for it. If I were in their place, I would announce my success to the whole world because it's sooooooo tough to get there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Officially, it's the beginning of their new life and the start of a journey as a doctor. It also marks the end of their time here in Cork (well.. unless they managed to secure a job here.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But in the sea of happiness and joy all around me, why can't I be happy for them?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember when S entered my room today, she was talking to J on the phone and was congratulating her for her success. I knew right away that J.. is now Dr J. And same goes to a lot of others (which I don't want to know)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I plaster a bitter smile on my face. I can feel a lump in my chest. I look out the window and try to find the courage to be happy for the rest of them 'doctors'.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When S ended her phone call with J, I think she noticed that my eyes has swelled up with tears. I can't hide my expression from S. I try to continue my reading but the tears just rolled down my cheeks.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
S asked me: "Why are you crying? Are you not happy?"</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I answered: "Honestly, I don't know why I'm crying."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think S understands what I mean.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We came here together, yet, some of us are going to get left behind. The bond that we built, was more than just friendship. We were together through our thick and thin, come hell or high waters, we were there for each other.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somehow along the way, the grades separated us. The outliers; students with recorded failures - ME ! Were meant to wait at the sidelines applauding those who managed to reach the finishing line first.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I should not feel this way. Everyone is living their own timelines, set by Allah. I know I know. But... I just want to let this weight off my shoulder. I don't know who I should be talking to.. all I can do is to tell Allah everyday in my prayers to grant me a sound mind and a heart at peace with His qada and qadar.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On days like this, I pray for extra strength from Allah. Small stuff, even a tiny bit of pressure.. can shatter my fragile heart. For the passed few days, I opt to lock myself in my room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Typical tim - avoiding human interaction to protect her image of 'happy tim'.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p>I thought I did a good job at protecting myself. But little did I know, I , myself, is capable of breaking my own spirit. Honestly, staying alone in a darkened room is not helping. Hah! (Kalau ibu tahu mesti ibu marah)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I told Allah yesterday that I don't want to enter Ramadhan this year, feeling unhappy with what's written and what has happened. I really want to make a full use of my opportunity of meeting Ramadhan this year (inshaAllah)<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And.. !!! It is not cool to keep on rubbing salt to your own wound, Tim. It is super not cool to reopen the wound that's recovering well. You know that better!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I keep on telling others about my vision, to empower women, to make them stand up for their rights, the let them choose their battlefield, and fight. But on some days... geez... some days, I am that weakling - drowning in my own emotions and sorrow. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God oh god. Grant me a sound mind, and a heart at peace.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Toughen up , heart. You got a longggg journey ahead of you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let's not dwell on the dark side of your past. Let's not blame your poor self.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bismillah.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jom masuk ramadhan dengan hati yang redha okay , tim :)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Senyum sikit, tim. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!"</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>Above all else, Allah said</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i>"Only in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find peace"</i></div>
</div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-51135823032878253252018-05-10T05:53:00.004+08:002018-05-10T05:54:56.824+08:00PRU14 : Detik bersejarah buat Malaysia<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_iXynB184OJ6-m83k2FZPX_r_lNFUFHoUM2iWhbK2DCb3GuyZxGA9q8SXUF81SwBK2j0p2EPvRFz8RIZKcERANA3DsRbcZStszRy_LMtjeCwZ6byf8uS3pzQyRPC88MREuviiowDd3uf5/s1600/32105599_1720007378088080_3358535829856190464_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_iXynB184OJ6-m83k2FZPX_r_lNFUFHoUM2iWhbK2DCb3GuyZxGA9q8SXUF81SwBK2j0p2EPvRFz8RIZKcERANA3DsRbcZStszRy_LMtjeCwZ6byf8uS3pzQyRPC88MREuviiowDd3uf5/s400/32105599_1720007378088080_3358535829856190464_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Saya bangga saya anak Malaysia. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Usia pun dah mencecah angka 25, dan sejujurnya saya tak sangka saya berpeluang menyaksikan detik bersejarah ini bagi tanah air saya bernama Malaysia.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita rakyat Malaysia telah berjaya membuktikan kita tidak akan mundur - 80.78% rakyat Malaysia keluar mengundi walau <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/ge14?source=feed_text" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration: none;"><span class="_5afx" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit;"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl _5afz" style="font-family: inherit;">#</span><span class="_58cm" style="font-family: inherit;">GE14</span></span></a> jatuh di tengah minggu! Ada yang mengambil cuti, ada yang bergilir bertugas di tempat masing-masing.. semuanya kerana rasa sayang kepada Malaysia dan ingin laksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai rakyat.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita rakyat Malaysia telah berjaya membuktikan kita tidak akan mundur - tidak terkira betapa ramainya warga Malaysia yang sanggup menghulur bantuan kewangan bagi yang kurang berkemampuan untuk pulang ke tempat mengundi. Ada yang sanggup berkongsi kereta dengan 'total strangers'. Ada yang sanggup membayar kos penghantaran kertas undi yang mahal ke Malaysia tanpa mengira sempat tiba atau tidak. Ada juga yang berkampung di lapangan terbang di luar negara kerana mahu mencari mana-mana rakyat Malaysia yang akan pulang ke Malaysia..hanya untuk mengirimkan kertas undi yang takkan sampai jika di-poskan. Juga ada antara kita yang sanggup menjadi 'runner' selepas mengundi di kawasan sendiri, secara sukarela mengutip ballot yang tiba di KLIA...semuanya kerana rasa sayang kepada Malaysia dan ingin laksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai rakyat.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDs39IuZj6RH-l03CTYEmjhld5e7az0-IMyumZzjcpMRyXUV3gZsLYNQ8CZXvV_RxocD4FJ9oSF24GbajN3AkoO23GpBA-qxxFIGTKzhdifR-C895Qrse3jBamAECVX_-UoBb2WgYEsa_r/s1600/32151645_1720006414754843_2577291071239225344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDs39IuZj6RH-l03CTYEmjhld5e7az0-IMyumZzjcpMRyXUV3gZsLYNQ8CZXvV_RxocD4FJ9oSF24GbajN3AkoO23GpBA-qxxFIGTKzhdifR-C895Qrse3jBamAECVX_-UoBb2WgYEsa_r/s320/32151645_1720006414754843_2577291071239225344_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kertas undi seorang Tim yang lambat tiba .. maka simpan buat kenangan sahaja.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita menyaksikan sebuah harapan untuk masa depan - kita berjaya melahirkan kerusi parlimen pelbagai warna. Ini adalah sesuatu yang sihat, supaya ada 'check and balance', persaingan yang lebih kuat untuk membuktikan mereka boleh menambahbaik keadaan Malaysia. Warna-warni bukan kegagalan, juga bukan kejayaan 'ultimate'. Perjalanan masih jauh, usaha harus dilipatgandakan, baik dari mereka sebagai pemimpin atau kita sebagai rakyat. Biar niat kita semuanya tulus - kerana sama-sama rasa sayang kepada Malaysia.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
1) Hari ini dalam sejarah - saya menyaksikan media lebih berani dan lebih matang dalam membincangkan isu-isu seputar pilihanraya. Kita kritik mana-mana kekurangan dengan kritikan membina dan perbincangan yang harmoni, kita terima dan tolak pendapat masing-masing dengan tenang. Kita lapang dada dengan perbezaan pendapat dan sejahtera dengan kritikan kepada kita kerana kita sedar mana-mana hak itu wujud untuk dipenuhi - hak sebagai rakyat, hak sebagai pengundi.. dan hak tanah air ini supaya tidak lagi terus dimanipulasi. Semuanya kerana kita sayang kepada Malaysia.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Apa pun yang telah berlaku dan akan berlaku selepas pilihanraya ini, banyak pengajaran yang kita semua boleh kutip sebagai rakyat Malaysia. Selangkah lebih berlapang dada, selangkah lebih dewasa.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Mari kita buktikan kita cukup matang untuk berdiri sebaris walau apa pendirian kita dan pandangan politik masing-masing.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Kita terus pandang ke depan dengan visi yang jelas untuk memperjuangkan isu rakyat lebih dari emosi peribadi. </div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Untuk kesekian kalinya,<br />
Perjuangan ini baru bermula. </div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br />
Kita semua rakyat yang sayangkan negara..<br />
..dan kita ingin bina negara ini semula.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Ini bukan kerja solo bagi yang telah menang.<br />
ini bukan peluang larikan diri bagi sang mantan.</div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Untuk bina negara kita adalah kerja KITA SEMUA. </div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Malaysians..be proud of what we did today.<br />
And let's continue fighting for our rights <span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f4c/1/16/1f642.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /></span></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><span aria-hidden="true" class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><span aria-hidden="true" class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;">:)</span></span></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4wRFbrZcxB91E864h0MrxwcQYdl5QqUBbgxONdZ-jF8ISxGcoMX64Qf-f5SwwHngVw6UssBSlXkuphBAaZo-phkq2khlpixyGC8ZJJ3vMowE3d1ECJBKA9rqM2rb9CvK0kh4rB0BfJXoY/s1600/21284617_1472725349482952_1568198916_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="852" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4wRFbrZcxB91E864h0MrxwcQYdl5QqUBbgxONdZ-jF8ISxGcoMX64Qf-f5SwwHngVw6UssBSlXkuphBAaZo-phkq2khlpixyGC8ZJJ3vMowE3d1ECJBKA9rqM2rb9CvK0kh4rB0BfJXoY/s400/21284617_1472725349482952_1568198916_o.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Ps: I want to see more women in the cabinet <span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f4c/1/16/1f642.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /><span aria-hidden="true" class="_7oe" style="display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;">:)</span></span></div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
(and not kabinet dapur okay .. like.. real cabinet)</div>
<div>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<div>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Sekian muhasabah #GE14 dari anak di perantauan.</span></div>
<div>
<br style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Fatimah Z. Zulqarnain.</span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Pelajar Perubatan Ireland. </span><span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span><br />
<div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<div style="color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 6px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-73429775743419281832018-05-06T20:46:00.001+08:002018-05-06T20:48:01.646+08:00Delayed grief.I have no words to explain how I feel at the moment.<br />
<div>
I feel empty inside, yet I know I cannot feel this way.</div>
<div>
I want to just cry.. and pour all my feelings.</div>
<div>
But I feel numb instead.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is not happening , right?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can't focus on my revision.</div>
<div>
Since yesterday, when I found out Atuk has passed away,</div>
<div>
I locked myself in my room, I sleep a lot.. I refuse to wake up.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know this is not how things should be.</div>
<div>
I don't want to remind myself of the price of a dream.</div>
<div>
I shouldn't be too hard on myself just because I chose this path when I was 18. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"A strong muslim can accept what's written by Allah."</i></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So I pray and pray to Allah.</div>
<div>
Don't let my sorrow drowns me.</div>
<div>
Lend me some strength to rise above my troubled heart.</div>
<div>
Give me a peace of mind so I can rationalize and prioritize.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"The stakes are high, the water's rough - but this fight is ours"</i> </div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9KJJJYelxq1Bf94XOGoNOYjYiCga8nwQzrLeuN9XYCpLq3FrmBM2vYYkHVALgnVSpvgPjSX6yqkWrWnXYPt_ttk1hE6Y5GSgRLV8AG7u9EriMYxxYSDmVWkxl5SBZW41KINdvO5uAFYgz/s1600/white-tulips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9KJJJYelxq1Bf94XOGoNOYjYiCga8nwQzrLeuN9XYCpLq3FrmBM2vYYkHVALgnVSpvgPjSX6yqkWrWnXYPt_ttk1hE6Y5GSgRLV8AG7u9EriMYxxYSDmVWkxl5SBZW41KINdvO5uAFYgz/s320/white-tulips.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
P/s: Thanks to my friends for their warm wishes and dua.. I really appreciate it :) </div>
<div>
May Allah ease your affair too. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-64086500378334251952018-05-05T18:50:00.003+08:002018-05-05T18:50:51.133+08:00Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><u>29th April</u></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Ibu and ayah on the way balik ke Seremban. Atuk Hamzah masuk hospital. Doakan baik-baik"</i>- Ibu.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My heart sank.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<u><i>3rd May</i></u></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<u><i><br /></i></u></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Salam. Keadaan Atuk makin merosot. Angah jangan sedih ya.. baca yassin untuk Atuk. Atuk bangga angah bakal jadi doktor. Cuma Atuk mungkin tak sempat dirawat oleh cucunya. Be strong ya.. jangan hilang fokus."</i> - Ibu</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Doktor cakap multiple infarct in his brain, lung infections and kidney is not working well. </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>Prognosis is bad. I opt for DNR. I hope this is for the best."</i> - Ayah</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I opened my al-quran.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I read the first verse of Surah Yassin..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
.. I burst into tears.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My heart can't handle it though I have tried to rationalize the whole situation.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I texted my dad and asked for his whereabouts.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Ayah kat hospital ni, teman Atuk malam ni." - </i>ayah</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Ayah... can I have a look at Atuk?"</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>"Okay."</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I swiped right to answer the video call.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Ayah saw my red nose and swollen eyes.. and the tears that I try to wipe off my face. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"<i>Hey.. jangan nangis beriya dulu..</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>Atuk ada lagi kan.."</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I want to tell Ayah.. I know how bad it looks</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
and I know Atuk tak lama dah.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But Ayah is barely hanging on.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
He removed his glasses when he talks to me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
He showed his bitter smile to cheer me up..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
..but I think I made him cry after.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><u>4th May</u></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"<i>Keaadan Atuk makin stabil. </i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i>Gula dah okay balik" - </i>Ibu.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"<i>Let's pray for a miracle for Atuk.</i>" - Ayah.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<u><i>5th May</i></u></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I woke up this morning having a hunch that today might be the day.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I unlocked my phone.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And there... I read the line from ibu.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
"<i>Angah- Atuk dah tak ada."</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I put my phone aside.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I sit up in my bed.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rajiun ..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
That is all I can say.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Images of Atuk are dancing in my head..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
He lived a good 87 years..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
He's here long enough, Tim.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Let's be happy for him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I push my duvet aside.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I head to the kitchen to have my breakfast...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
..and bit by bit it started to hit me.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><b>Atuk... dah takda. </b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<i><b><br /></b></i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I want to cry my hearts out..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
and if I have enough money I want to fly back.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
But growing up means you have to be realistic..</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
my exams are not over yet.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And I have promised my mom that I won't lose focus.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I bid my goodbye when I last met him.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I hugged him knowing I might not see him again.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I know that for a fact. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Al-Fatihah untuk Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX3Oo7bMAvgJRxetrGM1Qum57YXJSg5IECqEhy9taQDl47x03r4DR2PvcABGOp9pY1ZOPDxiuFr9EDRLdCm5yRGDNjEpQVhOWkbZ8NooPeAcmNMylg6Yg7VjqNMQE3NmdB0GtzgCgrymd9/s1600/31934073_1715519805203504_1234827355575287808_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="852" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX3Oo7bMAvgJRxetrGM1Qum57YXJSg5IECqEhy9taQDl47x03r4DR2PvcABGOp9pY1ZOPDxiuFr9EDRLdCm5yRGDNjEpQVhOWkbZ8NooPeAcmNMylg6Yg7VjqNMQE3NmdB0GtzgCgrymd9/s320/31934073_1715519805203504_1234827355575287808_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Our last moments together.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /><br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-89530377854203328952018-05-03T05:25:00.002+08:002018-05-03T05:25:28.348+08:00Tanda hidupAku dah hampir setahun bergelar pelajar tahun empat.<br />
Sekarang, tengah bertapa dalam gua<br />
sebab sedang menghadapi ujian akhir tahun empat.<br />
<br />
Kalau Allah dah tuliskan aku menjejaki tahun lima Jun ini,<br />
moga aku terus istiqamah usaha untuk Dia.<br />
<br />
Ini bukan tentang masa depan aku sahaja,<br />
Ini hadiah untuk ibu ayah.<br />
<br />
Dan harga hadiah yang bukan murah..<br />
untuk hidup dan masa menjadi milik manusia.<br />
<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-52296558515981932052017-01-05T17:26:00.000+08:002018-05-03T04:44:06.660+08:002k17 resolutions : Mampu ke idok?Berpagi-pagian dengan blog.<br />
<div>
Hahaha dah lama tak buat kerja macam ni.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Kalau dulu, rutin harian start dengan check email-email baru.</div>
<div>
Lepas tu akan merepek-repek tengok facebook dan instagram sampai sejam dua.</div>
<div>
Pastu barulah bukak buku satu topik.</div>
<div>
Kalau fokus betul, dapatlah habis baca topik tu.</div>
<div>
Kalau tak boleh fokus, maka akan end up dekat website resepi-resepi makanan melayu.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tim oh Tim.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Susah betul nak keep myself motivated.</div>
<div>
Sebab tulah bila orang tanya kenapa tak balik je Malaysia sem ni, bukannya ada kelas pun. nak exam nanti datang la balik.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi ia tak semudah itu yaaa kawan-kawan.</div>
<div>
Aku kenal aku siapa.</div>
<div>
Aku tahu aku macam mana.</div>
<div>
Kalau kat sini pun agak suam-suam kuku semangat nak belajar tu.. kau agak, balik malaysia macam mana? Aku takut je aku terus hilang drive utk jadi medical practitioner..takut je aku terus nekad nak stop belajar..takut aku terus terasa nak start bisnes dan hidup utk bayar hutang MARA.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dan dan dan dann.... benda yang paling aku takut, aku takde usrah kalau aku balik Malaysia.</div>
<div>
Aku tak bawak halaqah dah.. aku selesa dengan hidup macam tu. Maka nanti, kau rasa... bila akak-akak (read:akhawat) Cork ni semua balik, aku akan bersemangat nak teruskan perjuangan ke? Mesti sedikit sebanyak aku akan layu dan lembik.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Yes, aku tahu.. kalau niat kau jelas mestilah kau bersemangat nak beramal.</div>
<div>
Tapi support system babe, support dari orang keliling tu penting.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Makanya, after a lot of thinking, aku decide utk stay kat Cork.</div>
<div>
Banyak kot benda boleh buat dengan masa yang banyak ni..</div>
<div>
Berniaga , baca buku, <strike>tengok movie... ,</strike> bersenam, jalan-jalan kat tasik..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Ah pendek citer, banyak la aktiviti yang boleh dibuat. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Makanya aku nak listkan benda yang aku target nak buat untuk semester pertama 2017.</b></div>
<div>
<b>In other words, my resolution.</b> </div>
<div>
*mohon jangan menganjing kalau tak jadi hahahha*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>1. 1 minggu 1 buku.</b></div>
<div>
Ya, mmg agak mustahil melihat kepada rekod pembacaan aku yang hampeh. Tapi aku rasa possible sangat untuk buat. Sebabnya, facebook pun dah makin membosankan. Aku pulak takde twitter. Blog-blog femes yang aku minat nak baca pun semuanya dah slow down sebab sibuk dengan rumah tangga dan kerja masing-masing.. makanya, bila lagi masa yang sesuai untuk mulakan kempen membaca ini! Yosh! Tim boleh inshaAllah....... Plus aku perlukan input yang banyak jugak untuk projek buku aku (puihhh... asyik tak jadi je kan projek ni) tapi harapnya kali ni boleh dihabiskan dengan baik. Plot asyik tergantung je sebelum ni hahahahahancurrrr.....</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bermula dengan minggu ini~ nanti aku buat review buku yang aku baca kekekke. *acah blogger femes padahal kau tulis kau jugak yang baca kahkahkah*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>2. Gear up my volunteering activites!</b></div>
<div>
Kalau nak tahu, kat Cork ni ada special tempat yang memang serve makanan untuk orang yang kurang mampu atau homeless. Penny Dinners nama dia.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Pernah la sekali tu aku join iSOC (islamic society) punya aktiviti 'feed the homeless" gicchuw. Syiok la jugak. Aku enjoy mengupas itu ini, potong-potong sayur seguni dua, sapu butter kat berdozen-dozen roti. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And dapur tu dah run for 100 years now. Gila tak gila omputih punya semangat nak buat charity?</div>
<div>
Dahlah ramai betul orang menderma makanan kat situ. Terharu aku tengok scene budak-budak dah diajar mak ayah untuk hantar makanan kat situ, derma toys, derma apa-apa pun yang orang perlukan. </div>
<div>
Makanya, minggu ni aku nk try contact manager tu and tanya kalau-kalau aku boleh volunteer.</div>
<div>
Aku target macam nak buat sekali seminggu.. harap boleh istiqamah. </div>
<div>
Nak pilih hari jumaat...kengkonon untuk laksanakan sunnah beri makan kpd orang miskin. :) Tazzabar pulak nak start projek ni. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>3. </b><b>Tambah hafazan juz 29 !</b></div>
<div>
Jeng jeng jeng... aku sebenarnya memang sangat hancus part hafazan-hafazan nih. Masa sekolah dulu pun dok ngelat dengan ustazah, try kawtim kengkonon dah nak SPM dah takde masa nak hafal semua ayat hafazan tu. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Betapa dengan meningkatnya usia, dan berkurangnya sel otak aku, dan banyaknya semut dah masuk dalam sistem..aku makin susah nak hafal ayat Allah. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But! kalau diletakkan betul-betul dalam jadual harian, aku target lepas subuh memang nak fokus dengan tilawah dan hafazan 30 min - 1 jam.. inshaAllah boleh buat. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Sangat-sangat possible.</div>
<div>
Kena kuatkan semangat. </div>
<div>
Betulkan niat kenapa nak hafal al-Quran.</div>
<div>
dan aku harap.. boleh la dengan senggang masa yang ada, tengok-tengok siket video tafsir, rajin-rajin siket belek buku-buku tafsir, padukan siket semangat untuk hafal dengan makna sekali.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dan, paling mantops, kalau dapat dibuahkan amal dari hafazan tu.</div>
<div>
Pergh.. mengancam. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mohon dikurniakan ikhlas dan kekuatan dan kesabaran dan segala-gala yang aku perlukan untuk laksanakan resolution yang ni. </div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>4. Shed the extra kilos.</b></div>
<div>
Sebagai makhluk yang tak pernah hidup dengan berat badan normal, aku nak give it a try la. Tahun lepas, entah dari mana motivasi datang, berapi-api semangat nak turun berat....dan aku berjaya kurangkan 10 kilo!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi lepas tu toksah citer la. aku balik Malaysia and the rest is history.</div>
<div>
Terus gain balik another 6. *sia-siaaa sudahhhh..kita jalin cinta...*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Takpolah deh. Yang penting aku pernah buat dan aku tahu aku boleh!</div>
<div>
Makanya tahun ni nak try la kurangkan berat badan. </div>
<div>
Kengkononnya tahun lepas nak jadi kurus gile pastu bila ibu ayah jemput kat airport, acah-acah tak cam anak sendiri gicchuww.. *nak muntah bile pikir balik betapa tak logik impian aku*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi tahun ni aku nk realistik la siket.</div>
<div>
Nak aim ibu ayah tanya soalan ni je "berapa kilo turun ni?" sambil mata berair kerisauan.</div>
<div>
Kah kah kah ... aku tahu impian tu masih mustahil tapi tak salah kan nak bermimpi?</div>
<div>
*insert lagu: Jika bermimpi...biar setinggi langit..andainya jatuh..masih disambut awan..*</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
LOL</div>
<div>
kau tim, masih dengan angan yang tak sudah.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Itchokey. yang penting aku nak sihat.</div>
<div>
Nak fit untuk masa depan aku. </div>
<div>
Taknak mengah-mengah naik tangga hospital.</div>
<div>
<strike>Taknak masa kahwin nanti risau nak adjust angle posing untuk nmpk kurus </strike></div>
<div>
Yang penting, aku taknak ada penyakit yang sebenarnya preventable dengan ubah lifestyle sajok.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Mohon diberi kekuatan ya tuhannnnnn~~~</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>5. Kurangkan menonton yang lagha-lagha nih.</b></div>
<div>
Inilah yang palinggggg aku nervous. Aku rasa susah gak laa nak buat.</div>
<div>
Makanya aku berazam untuk habiskan dulu apa aku tengah tengok sekarang, lepas tu aku nak fokus dekat video tontonan yang lain.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Haaaa aku dah jumpa dah documentary series.</div>
<div>
Ya Allaahhhh excitednya toksah citer la, aku memang dah lama tinggalkan video-video pasal binatang-binatang Animal Planet tu, segala macam show dari Nat Geo pun dah lama tak tengok. Last tengok masa zaman-zaman astro kat rumah ada channel-channel tu. Bila aku masuk KMB, ayah terus unsubscribe sebab orang lain tak layan channel-channel nerd macam tu. Aku je syiok duduk berjam-jam tengok pasal gajah dan alligator. hahaha</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Makanya, bila baru-baru ni aku diberikan ilham untuk tengok dokumentari-dokumentari tu, aku bersyukur sangat. Macam a better alternative. kalau meroyan sangat nak menonton sesuatu..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Thank you Allah. huhu..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, aku nak try janji habiskan siket je lagi <strike>drama merepek </strike>yang aku tengah tengok sekarang (untuk elakkan aku curious dan menziarahi semula website ittuuww..) kemudian aku akan sambung terus dengan siri-siri dokumentari. Barulah terbina sikit tsaqafah aku. takde la bazir ruang otak ni untuk plot-plot romantik je. Buang masa buang tenaga berangan bilakah akan munculnya lelaki berkulit lagi licin dari aku nak muncul dalam hidup.. kahkahkah.. memang tak laaa...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Gitulah azam aku untuk 6 bulan pertama dalam 2017 nih.</div>
<div>
Harapnya menjadi la segala azam aku. </div>
<div>
Op kos, aku perlukan all the strength and motivation to make it happen.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Aku memang dah habis jujur dah ni.</div>
<div>
Aku harap orang tak judge aku dengan resolution picisan macam ni haha..</div>
<div>
Ni dah kira benda besar la ni..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<strike>Menyesal pulak public-kan balik blog hahahaa</strike></div>
<div>
<strike><br /></strike></div>
<div>
Taktau la ada point ke tak aku luah macam-macam kat sini, </div>
<div>
tapi aku harap kalau ada la orang yang baca blog ni walaupun tak kenal aku..</div>
<div>
ketahuilah, struggle kita sama and aku pun manusia. </div>
<div>
Orang selalu nampak yang baik-baik je kat aku.</div>
<div>
Yang perangai syaitoniirojim orang tak nampak.</div>
<div>
Semuanya sebab Allah jugak yang sorokkan.</div>
<div>
Malu pun ada..segan pun ada.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
tapi aku pilih untuk cerita apa yang aku rasa penting untuk orang tahu kat sini.</div>
<div>
Dan sama-samalah kita motivate each other untuk berubah. haha..</div>
<div>
walaupun hanya dengan meninggalkan komen anonymous di blog ini..LOL. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
kbye,</div>
<div>
hot choc aku pun dah sejuk.</div>
<div>
punya la lama menaip haha..</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Bismillahirrahmanirraheem.</div>
<div>
Kita buka lembaran baru untuk 2017.</div>
<div>
Moga yang baik-baik saja berlaku tahun ni.. Ameen. <3 div=""></3><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-45093388095038466872017-01-05T04:50:00.002+08:002017-01-05T04:50:40.153+08:002k16 in a nutshell2017 is here ~<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Ya Allah lama sangat tak menulis kat sini. I thought facebook posts are enough but apparently there are things that suits my blog more than my facebook timeline.<br />
<br />
Different audience.<br />
Different topics.<br />
Much much much more personal I'd say.<br />
<br />
There's a lot of things to tell, now where should I start?<br />
*I'm writing this just to keep track of the milestones in my life*<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>1. Repeating FM3005 module.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
It aint easy I tell yah. The module is okay. With a lot of time in hand, I believe I can ace this biiznillah.. But the struggle is unexplainable. This complicated ball of emotions I have in me made me learned a lot of beautiful lessons.<br />
<br />
Of course, it is hard to accept the reality. Over the first few months of becoming third year med student (all over again..), I cant describe the amount of pain, embarrasment, all the running-away and avoiding eye contact with my used-to-be-supposed-to-be classmates. Be it the irish fellow, the singaporeans or my malay buddies.<br />
<br />
Sakitnya tuh di sini.<br />
<br />
Tapi, tetap digagahkan jua kaki yang berat ini untuk melangkah ke kelas. Every single day.<br />
I bet, no one else can understand the amount of pain I have to go through everyday. I appear to be very strong, very happy about everything, easily amused at the same jokes told by the same lecturer a year ago, trying to get all hyped up and giddy while scanning for cute (much much younger) guys.<br />
<br />
All of these...topeng belaka.<br />
<br />
This is how I pulled myself through.<br />
<br />
I know a lot of people keep on reminding me about ada hikmahnya semua ini, redha with what He has written for me..but let me tell you something about redha.<br />
<br />
Some days, I feel like I am happy with the way things are. I can accept the reality. I am ready to continue with whatever that is waiting for me.<br />
<br />
But some days, I just don't want to talk about it. I dont want to be reminded of my failures, I dont want anyone to mention about having sabr and how the hikmah will unfolds over time.<br />
<br />
With this complicated heart of mine, I have hurt myself and a lot of other people.<br />
I try to be strong and then I crumbled into pieces again..<br />
and while recollecting my broken pieces, I'd love it if people just let me be.<br />
I realised that it is important to let the time heals the wound.<br />
Do not knock the fragile broken pieces when you havent even glued them back together..<br />
<br />
IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.<br />
It is okay to be weak at times.<br />
Manusia memang lemah pun.<br />
And I am happy that I can turn to Allah and tell Him all these untold pain I felt.<br />
Only He can grant me all the strength I need , kan?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>2. DnT sebagai escapism</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Haaaa topik dah nampak macam scary.<br />
Dekat Spain haritu ada la yang tanya "Pernah tak salahkan DnT bila dapat tahu fail paper patho tu?"<br />
Dan memang jujur aku bagi jawapan kepada sistur yang bertanya : "Tak pernah"<br />
<br />
Kenapa?<br />
<br />
Sebab aku tahu betapa banyaknyalah aku main-main masa aku dalam third year.<br />
Betapa kalau nak sesalkan dan nak tuding jari, memang kena berdiri depan cermin dan tuding kat bayangan diri sendiri.<br />
<br />
Takde salahnya DnT. Langsung.<br />
<br />
Malah those people (read: akhawat) yang berada keliling aku, they keep me sane.<br />
Walaupun kadang-kadang macam nak ignore all the messages yang cakap how strong I am and this is a test from Allah etc etc (hahhaa kejinya perangai aku dok ignore mesej2 tu..) but under all that, aku bersyukur. Aku sedar Allah has been taking care of me, I am surrounded by beautiful, kind and loving people.<br />
<br />
I am very much loved.<br />
And I cannot thank Allah enough.<br />
<br />
With lots of love from the akhawat.<br />
and lots of time in my hand.<br />
I choose to do a lot of things, trying to keep myself busy.<br />
Because I am afraid of all the possible pembaziran masa dan pengumpulan dosa yang boleh berlaku dengan banyaknya masa di tangan aku. haha..<br />
<br />
That is how I become the SU of the NGO here in Ireland. (sape tahu NGO apa, diam-diam sudah)<br />
I keep myself busy with the weekly halaqah dengan akak-akak suri rumah dan doktor in Cork.<br />
I keep myself occupied dengan ajar budak-budak mengaji.<br />
I volunteered in a lot of projects.. nak buat itu ini.<br />
<br />
Until it hits me one day, aku ikhlas ke buat semua ni?<br />
Or...is it just an escapism?<br />
Just.. a distraction?<br />
<br />
Sampai sekarang, aku harap, yang aku kerjakan itu.<br />
semuanya Allah kira sebagai amal.<br />
Banyak yg dah berlaku. nanti aku tulis dlm post yang lain.<br />
<br />
Hmmm sekarang dan banyak masa..rajin pulak nak menulis ye? huhu..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>3. 6 years and counting..</b><br />
<br />
Hah! tajuk nampak macam gaya nak kahwin.<br />
Sebenarnya nak tulis, 6 years and counting days till a proper closure.<br />
<br />
Lama sangatlah menaruh harap pada sesuatu yang close to impossible. I can still remember what ayah told me when I told him about this guy yang dah curi hati anak dia. Ayah direct cakap : "Lupakanlah.." I asked him "why?". Ayah replied: "Lupakan jelah. Macam langit dengan bumi!"<br />
<br />
There you go.<br />
A simple summary of my lovelife.<br />
Macam langit dengan bumi.<br />
Maka, lupakanlah.<br />
<br />
Little did I know, no matter how hard I tried to 'lupakan segalanya', memang tak boleh lupa..<br />
Every single time ternampak dia, masih je ada kupu-kupu dalam perut, cold hands and cold feet, palpitation toksah cakap la.<br />
<br />
Kesian.<br />
<br />
I really hope I can put a closure to this one-sided affair.<br />
*Dengar cerita macam beliau sudah pun merancang majlis. Mohon tabah laa sistur jamah nasi minyak nanti sambil tampal senyum plastik. Huuuu....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
tu sajok nak tulis dalam summary 2k16.<br />
Motip sangat.. buat bazir masa aku menulis dan orang membaca haha.<br />
<br />
<br />
Moga 2017 diisi dengan benda yang lebih berfaedah.<br />
I wanted to share my resolution tapi tak tahulah logik ke tak nak luah kat sini.<br />
Harap boleh la keep track.<br />
<br />
Moga ada penambahbaikan dalam setiap aspek hidup aku.<br />
Baik agama, akademik atau relationships (dengan semua jenis manusia..)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Bismillah.<br />
Kita tutup chapter 2016 dengan tasbih kifarah dan surah al-asr :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-51675433523515729292016-09-01T23:26:00.001+08:002016-09-01T23:26:32.353+08:00Hantaran 31k <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8x1PfjGSYjmJZWo0vX82HCHYy02PvBzHHB9iQ9_2C3cBft0wmbOFFjZSFMI0Y7BoeX9KkmwZfeq3Z9l16sEPwp4kwl7hdAmCes4eGRy0W7QqfB-nIemcCxwur4gIQTrCFsYT5NRoixwIT/s1600/IMG_0464.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8x1PfjGSYjmJZWo0vX82HCHYy02PvBzHHB9iQ9_2C3cBft0wmbOFFjZSFMI0Y7BoeX9KkmwZfeq3Z9l16sEPwp4kwl7hdAmCes4eGRy0W7QqfB-nIemcCxwur4gIQTrCFsYT5NRoixwIT/s320/IMG_0464.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Assalamualaikum wbt.<br />
<br />
Another day at home.<br />
<br />
Semalam aku cuba untuk daftar online. Another year in UCC, tapi ambil satu subjek sahaja untuk setahun. Aku expect yuran aku akan kurang daripada biasa. Setiap tahun, pelajar perubatan yang international macam kitorang ni dikenakan yuran sebanyak 31k Euro. Haaa.. maka kau convertlah sendiri untuk kira berapa banyak MARA 'pinjamkan' sebagai harga untuk sebuah scroll.<br />
<br />
<br />
Aku fikir, kalau yuran murah sedikit, aku nak cadangkan kat ibu dan ayah utk bayar sendiri yuran tahun ini. Elaun bulanan pun aku rasa ibu ayah takde masalah besar jika aku guna lebih kurang Euro500 each month.. malah inshaAllah perbelanjaan sara hidup aku mungkin kurang lagi dari jumlah tu.<br />
<br />
Tapi bila aku register online, website tu kata aku kena bayar 31k untuk setahun mendatang..walaupun satu subjek sahaja!<br />
<br />
Aku pelik.<br />
Dan aku mula panik.<br />
<br />
Plan asal nak suruh MARA put on hold pinjaman pelajaran tu.<br />
Tapi kalau yuran repeat year pun 31k EURO maka nak dikorek mana duit banyak tu.<br />
<br />
Aku wsap ibu ayah dan maklumkan perkara ini.<br />
Aku terbuka dan terima jika ibu ayah rasa tarik diri adalah jalannya.<br />
<br />
Tapi ayah reply :<br />
" ALANG-ALANG MENYELUK PEKASAM, BIAR SAMPAI KE PANGKAL LENGAN"<br />
<br />
Haha..senyum pahit je dalam hati.<br />
Sekarang, dengan banyaknya masa lapang, aku pun kena cari duit poket.<br />
Kalau aku mula menabung Eu 300 setiap bulan pun, inshaAllah dlm masa 2 tahun lagi..banyak jugak aku boleh save.<br />
<br />
Kalau aku berniaga kecil-kecilan.. Jual lauk-pauk kat students.<br />
Untung kasar Eu 200 sebulan, maka tambah lagi duit poket.<br />
Tapi berniaga macam tu, boleh buat dalam tahun ini sahajalah.<br />
<br />
Semester 1 ni, aku rasa tak boleh nak buat vigorous sangat.<br />
Aku ada kelas..dan ada assessment yang mesti dilengkapkan.<br />
<br />
Tapi untuk Sem 2, aku harap aku boleh cari kerja part-time.<br />
Kedai buku ke.. jaga budak ke.. anything at all.<br />
Tak kisah asalkan halal.<br />
<br />
Bila benda macam ni jadi...aku harap sangat aku boleh rekod setiap saat.<br />
Supaya nanti aku boleh ingatkan diri aku tentang peritnya dan mahalnya harga sebuah kepakaran.<br />
<br />
Ini..harga yang aku perlu bayar.<br />
Hantaran 31k Euro...untuk 'meminang' sijil perubatan.<br />
<br />
Ya Allah.<br />
Mudahkan urusanku Ya Allah.<br />
<br />
Ps: nak kena jumpa pengarah MARA untuk bincang itu ini. Doakan <3 p=""><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></3>TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1845123846104049846.post-2691616493119243102016-08-31T06:40:00.002+08:002016-08-31T06:40:48.813+08:00Of failures and delayed success<br />
<br />
Assalamualaikum wbt.<br />
<br />
So , here I am again, writing my hearts out. Tak tahu ke mana hala nak luahkan lagi. Kalau aku update di facebook, macam setiap jam ada saja bena nak cerita. Sekarang, fasa mencari tempat meluah rasa. Bukannya sesi luahan dengan Allah tu tak cukup... it's just that, I need to keep this in a written form, just to remind myself in the future, of the issues that I'm going through right now.<br />
<br />
Kenapa aku buat keputusan untuk menulis semula?<br />
<br />
Macam yang aku dah update di facebook, aku 'fail' paper patho.<br />
So here I am, spending another year of medical school untuk luluskan paper patho, then inshaAllah bolehlah masuk clinical years dengan jayanya.<br />
<br />
Aku dah boleh terima kegagalan ini, cuma kadang-kadang ada rasa terkilan dengan apa yang aku buat dulu. Allah dan aku je yang tahu, sesungguhnya, banyak masa telah aku habiskan dengan perkara-perkara yang tak masuk akal... lagha...dan bertimbunya dosa dalam buku catatan.<br />
<br />
My third year is a filthy year.<br />
Enough said.<br />
<br />
Dan aku bersyukur Allah makbulkan doa lewat ramadhan lalu, bahawa aku mahu hidup yang baru, hati yang baru untuk menggantikan semula dosa-dosa yang lalu. Aku mahu peluang kedua jika Dia sudi memberikannya.<br />
<br />
Makanya, aku rasa, ini adalah jawapan dia atas doaku itu!<br />
<br />
Untuk aku menyucikan semula tempoh pembelajaranku dari dosa-dosa bila bersendiri.<br />
Untuk aku mencari semula Dia lewat awan biru dan kicau burung.<br />
Untuk aku membenihkan sekelumit cinta yang mana tersisa, hanya untuk Dia.<br />
Untuk aku belajar berdiri dan meyakini agama dan jalan ini sedalamnya.<br />
<br />
I..used to be a follower.<br />
Aku tak reti menolak.<br />
Aku memang yes-man sejati.<br />
<br />
Tapi untuk kali ini,<br />
aku mahu memaknai hayatku..tak kisahlah kalaupun DnT aku slow dan kena start semula.<br />
aku mahu kembali mencari titik mula, mengikhlaskan hati seikhlasnya,<br />
belajar mencintai Dia tanpa rasa....hipokrit depan manusia.<br />
<br />
<br />
Boleh tak Ya Allah,<br />
Kau bagi hadiah itu?<br />
Untuk aku mencintaiMu..<br />
Ajari aku...apa sahaja yang Kau mahu.<br />
<br />
Setahun ini..<br />
dan moga tahun-tahun mendatang,<br />
tak terbazir dengan tangan yang berlepas dari tali agamaMu.<br />
tak terbuang dengan hati yang berpaling dari jalanMu.<br />
<br />
Terimalah aku dan amalku.<br />
Bantulah aku untuk menghias semula setahun pengabdianku sebagai hambaMu<br />
dengan amal yang ikhlas dan hati yang ihsan kepada jalan ini.<br />
<br />
Tak reti nak cakap macam mana lagi,<br />
Kau tahu details yang lain, kan?<br />
Tuhan...jangan Kau ganti aku dengan yang lebih baik.<br />
Jadikanlah aku antara pengikut yang terbaik itu.<br />
Moga jalan RasulMu yang akan kutempuh..<br />
dan syurgaMu menjadi tempat berteduh.<br />
<br />
<br />
Ameen,<br />
Stil...Tim.TiMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091827357500450959noreply@blogger.com0