2018 ended beautifully, mashaAllah.
Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed our family with 2 additional members in 2018. My younger sister, A married her Yemeni husband in March at the age of 24 year old, now she's pregnant with her first child, SubhanaAllah. My older sister, Y married the guys she knew for only 5 months in December at the age of 27 year old.
From these two love story, there's me (25 going 26) stucked in the middle, still figuring out how the secrets in life work. The way Allah untangle all the knots and the way everything make sense in the end are so magical to my eyes. Subhanallah, Allahuakbar. Patience and strong faith in Allah are the key to be more calm in the waiting game.
We're now 1 month into 2019.
Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I tell myself that I need someone to fill this emptiness I have in my heart. I feel incomplete no matter how hard I preach about self love and stuff. I was more in love with the idea of being in love without understanding the essence of loving anyway. I realise that all these years.. the space in my heart is becoming ( or felt ) more empty, not because I didn't put anything in it. No.
I know that the one space in our heart must be filled with the love of Allah first. But I realised, my heart felt more empty as the days passed by - because it's 'leaking'.
The love that I put in my heart for Allah slowly disappears from me. It was erased bit by bit.. with every little sins I conciously or subconciously made. I feel so small these days. I'm becoming more worse each day. I tried to reminisce what makes me feel content before? I have come to a conclusion that my ibadah is reducing in quantity and quality and I no longer feel excited or putting efforts in learning about his Deen.
Nowadays, usrah felt like a weekly online meeting. Strictly business. One that I just have to click 'join call' , show my smiling face , throw in some comments that's not coming from my heart anyway and then it will be done in two hours or so.
These days, I rush my prayer. I rarely make du'a. I no longer feel the urge to wake up in the morning for qiamullail. Most nights, I'll be wide awake an hour before Fajr prayer.. but I always choose to go back to sleep. Weird , huh?
"Emm.. the toilet is too far from my room. So lazy laa to perform ablution (read: wudhu)"
".. well it's a bit cold. I'll keep myself warm under the duvet for a bit more"
"Alaa.. I make short dua also counted right? thanks Allah"
I create all sorts of excuses EVEN WHEN I WAS AWAKEN BY ALLAH TO MEET HIM. Allah has granted me an exclusive opportunity to ask for forgiveness, to make dua for my family, my friends and myself. Allah has given me these opportunity, day by day, but I refused to save myself, I refuse to meet HIM. Astaghfirullah.. :(
"The du'a made at tahajjud is like an arrow that does not miss its target"
- Imaam Shaafiie
I know that Allah has given me a lot of blessings. I'm blessed with a good family, a good upbringing, I'm surrounded by good people since I'm small. He had given me a lot of razk (read: rezeki) from ways I cannot comprehend or predict, in the forms that I always .. always.. always need.
Allah has been too kind to me. He's Ar-rahman, He's Ar-raheem.. and He's As-Samii'. I have faith in Allah, and I pray and pray again that no matter how far I strayed from His Deen, I hope He'll always guide me back to the right path and make me believe in myself that it's never too late to give myself another try at this.
For the millionth time,
Bismillah.
Let's give it another try, T
:)
