Of crossroads and istikharah

I'm , literally, a big girl now.

I can still remember the day I plucked up my courage to ask about you. Boi I was young back then. I mean.. young-er. (I'd like to believe I'm still young, given that I'm still in my 20s) Back to the story, I couldn't remember what brought me to a conclusion that I should just ask about you.. but I did! You're one of my many crush(es) but Idk why I only had the courage to ask about you. I mean.. I could ask about other people too but I didn't. 

Anyway, I asked Kak N about your status..

and it wasn't long after that, that I found out you're not available. 

I was okay, shed a couple of tears on my way back home from the hospital 

but I was fine after that. Totally fine.

I thought.. "Hmm takpelah.. memang bukan jodoh".

And then, a few years passed. 

I heard nothing about you. 

"Bilanya kau nak kahwin??!"

I continued on with my life.

More complicated stuff ensued after.

(... as evidenced in the previous posts)

AND AND AND

recently, we met again at an event. 

You asked me my name! My name??!! 

Seriously.. 

..all these years and you didn't even know my name :(

I remembered yours since our days in KMB. 

( hashtag freak alert )

One thing leads to another..

and I found out you've been single for the past two years. 

Whatever happened to you, ah boi?

I told the other sisters about you..

..and my intention ( I know I ni gatal kan? haha )

Kak N was fully aware of what happened before..

and she said "Do you wanna give it a try, again?"

"Make lotsa dua. If you're destined for each other, inshaAllah, khalas"

My heart goes tachy a lil bit.

Tbh, I'm scared. 

Rejections.. are hard to deal with.

(.. again, as evidenced in the previous posts)

Should I give it another shot?

I mean, at least, you're not in Cork.

You're not someone I see frequently.

Our circle of friends doesn't overlap.

You're not someone I might bumped into in town..

.. or in the random wards of random hospital here. 

Haish.

At times like this, I can hear ayah's voice: 

"Anak ayah ni banyak fikir la."

Lol. 100% accurate. 

But ayah,

fikir.. is the only thing I can afford to do now. 

I'll ask for guidance from Allah.

At the crossroad, standing still, only istikharah can guide my way.

I hope I'll walk in the right direction. 

hashtag cuak.

- T

Rookie mistakes are allowed, okay.

It has started again.
The anxiety kicks in.

I feel low, no energy, it was hard for me to focus on studying.
I don't feel like going out. But I did anyway.
I had a good time, but when I came back.. I feel weird again.

I feel like there'a a lump in my chest.
It's hard to breathe on days like this.
And trying to smile to make it go away doesnt work either.
(I ended up crying for no particular reason)

I think what I needed was a full hx taken by a doctor, full examination, and investigations done on me... and I pray and pray again that all this is because I'm low on some vitamins, or I'm anemic or just dehydrated. So I can brush it off as an illness that will settle with downing some pills and water.

At times like this,
I feel like calling someone.
and just talk.

At times like this,
I feel like running in the cold,
and just sweat it off.

At times like this,
I feel lonelier than ever.

But we're all living this life for the first time.

We all have issues that we find it hard to convey to other people,
there is no verbal form to explain
what is lingering in my head and bothering my heart.
and that's okay. :)

At times like this,
I feel like making a lot of dua
and just talk to Allah
will suffice.

O Allah , the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth,

You have created me in the best forms,

You know what's in my heart 

more than other people or even myself.

Untie the knots in my heart.

Lift the weight on my shoulder.

Ease the pain that I have.

For only You can cure it all. 


Forever a rookie,
- T

Let's give it another try, T.

2018 ended beautifully, mashaAllah. 

Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed our family with 2 additional members in 2018. My younger sister, A married her Yemeni husband in March at the age of 24 year old, now she's pregnant with her first child, SubhanaAllah.  My older sister, Y married the guys she knew for only 5 months in December at the age of 27 year old. 

From these two love story, there's me (25 going 26) stucked in the middle, still figuring out how the secrets in life work. The way Allah untangle all the knots and the way everything make sense in the end are so magical to my eyes. Subhanallah, Allahuakbar. Patience and strong faith in Allah are the key to be more calm in the waiting game. 

We're now 1 month into 2019.

Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I tell myself that I need someone to fill this emptiness I have in my heart. I feel incomplete no matter how hard I preach about self love and stuff. I was more in love with the idea of being in love without understanding the essence of loving anyway.  I realise that all these years.. the space in my heart is becoming ( or felt ) more empty, not because I didn't put anything in it. No. 

I know that the one space in our heart must be filled with the love of Allah first. But I realised, my heart felt more empty as the days passed by - because it's 'leaking'.

The love that I put in my heart for Allah slowly disappears from me. It was erased bit by bit.. with every little sins I conciously or subconciously made. I feel so small these days. I'm becoming more worse each day. I tried to reminisce what makes me feel content before? I have come to a conclusion that my ibadah is reducing in quantity and quality and I no longer feel excited or putting efforts in learning about his Deen. 

Nowadays, usrah felt like a weekly online meeting. Strictly business. One that I just have to click 'join call' , show my smiling face , throw in some comments that's not coming from my heart anyway and then it will be done in two hours or so. 

These days, I rush my prayer. I rarely make du'a. I no longer feel the urge to wake up in the morning for qiamullail. Most nights, I'll be wide awake an hour before Fajr prayer.. but I always choose to go back to sleep. Weird , huh?

"Emm.. the toilet is too far from my room. So lazy laa to perform ablution (read: wudhu)"

".. well it's a bit cold. I'll keep myself warm under the duvet for a bit more"

"Alaa.. I make short dua also counted right? thanks Allah"

I create all sorts of excuses EVEN WHEN I WAS AWAKEN BY ALLAH TO MEET HIM. Allah has granted me an exclusive opportunity to ask for forgiveness, to make dua for my family, my friends and myself. Allah has given me these opportunity, day by day, but I refused to save myself, I refuse to meet HIM. Astaghfirullah..  :(  

"The du'a made at tahajjud is like an arrow that does not miss its target"

- Imaam  Shaafiie

I know that Allah has given me a lot of blessings. I'm blessed with a good family, a good upbringing, I'm surrounded by good people since I'm small. He had given me a lot of razk (read: rezeki) from ways I cannot comprehend or predict, in the forms that I always .. always.. always need.

Allah has been too kind to me. He's Ar-rahman, He's Ar-raheem.. and He's As-Samii'. I have faith in Allah, and I pray and pray again that no matter how far I strayed from His Deen, I hope He'll always guide me back to the right path and make me believe in myself that it's never too late to give myself another try at this.

For the millionth time, 

Bismillah.

Let's give it another try, T 

:)