Of crossroads and istikharah

I'm , literally, a big girl now.

I can still remember the day I plucked up my courage to ask about you. Boi I was young back then. I mean.. young-er. (I'd like to believe I'm still young, given that I'm still in my 20s) Back to the story, I couldn't remember what brought me to a conclusion that I should just ask about you.. but I did! You're one of my many crush(es) but Idk why I only had the courage to ask about you. I mean.. I could ask about other people too but I didn't. 

Anyway, I asked Kak N about your status..

and it wasn't long after that, that I found out you're not available. 

I was okay, shed a couple of tears on my way back home from the hospital 

but I was fine after that. Totally fine.

I thought.. "Hmm takpelah.. memang bukan jodoh".

And then, a few years passed. 

I heard nothing about you. 

"Bilanya kau nak kahwin??!"

I continued on with my life.

More complicated stuff ensued after.

(... as evidenced in the previous posts)

AND AND AND

recently, we met again at an event. 

You asked me my name! My name??!! 

Seriously.. 

..all these years and you didn't even know my name :(

I remembered yours since our days in KMB. 

( hashtag freak alert )

One thing leads to another..

and I found out you've been single for the past two years. 

Whatever happened to you, ah boi?

I told the other sisters about you..

..and my intention ( I know I ni gatal kan? haha )

Kak N was fully aware of what happened before..

and she said "Do you wanna give it a try, again?"

"Make lotsa dua. If you're destined for each other, inshaAllah, khalas"

My heart goes tachy a lil bit.

Tbh, I'm scared. 

Rejections.. are hard to deal with.

(.. again, as evidenced in the previous posts)

Should I give it another shot?

I mean, at least, you're not in Cork.

You're not someone I see frequently.

Our circle of friends doesn't overlap.

You're not someone I might bumped into in town..

.. or in the random wards of random hospital here. 

Haish.

At times like this, I can hear ayah's voice: 

"Anak ayah ni banyak fikir la."

Lol. 100% accurate. 

But ayah,

fikir.. is the only thing I can afford to do now. 

I'll ask for guidance from Allah.

At the crossroad, standing still, only istikharah can guide my way.

I hope I'll walk in the right direction. 

hashtag cuak.

- T