2017 is here ~
Ya Allah lama sangat tak menulis kat sini. I thought facebook posts are enough but apparently there are things that suits my blog more than my facebook timeline.
Different audience.
Different topics.
Much much much more personal I'd say.
There's a lot of things to tell, now where should I start?
*I'm writing this just to keep track of the milestones in my life*
1. Repeating FM3005 module.
It aint easy I tell yah. The module is okay. With a lot of time in hand, I believe I can ace this biiznillah.. But the struggle is unexplainable. This complicated ball of emotions I have in me made me learned a lot of beautiful lessons.
Of course, it is hard to accept the reality. Over the first few months of becoming third year med student (all over again..), I cant describe the amount of pain, embarrasment, all the running-away and avoiding eye contact with my used-to-be-supposed-to-be classmates. Be it the irish fellow, the singaporeans or my malay buddies.
Sakitnya tuh di sini.
Tapi, tetap digagahkan jua kaki yang berat ini untuk melangkah ke kelas. Every single day.
I bet, no one else can understand the amount of pain I have to go through everyday. I appear to be very strong, very happy about everything, easily amused at the same jokes told by the same lecturer a year ago, trying to get all hyped up and giddy while scanning for cute (much much younger) guys.
All of these...topeng belaka.
This is how I pulled myself through.
I know a lot of people keep on reminding me about ada hikmahnya semua ini, redha with what He has written for me..but let me tell you something about redha.
Some days, I feel like I am happy with the way things are. I can accept the reality. I am ready to continue with whatever that is waiting for me.
But some days, I just don't want to talk about it. I dont want to be reminded of my failures, I dont want anyone to mention about having sabr and how the hikmah will unfolds over time.
With this complicated heart of mine, I have hurt myself and a lot of other people.
I try to be strong and then I crumbled into pieces again..
and while recollecting my broken pieces, I'd love it if people just let me be.
I realised that it is important to let the time heals the wound.
Do not knock the fragile broken pieces when you havent even glued them back together..
IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.
It is okay to be weak at times.
Manusia memang lemah pun.
And I am happy that I can turn to Allah and tell Him all these untold pain I felt.
Only He can grant me all the strength I need , kan?
2. DnT sebagai escapism
Haaaa topik dah nampak macam scary.
Dekat Spain haritu ada la yang tanya "Pernah tak salahkan DnT bila dapat tahu fail paper patho tu?"
Dan memang jujur aku bagi jawapan kepada sistur yang bertanya : "Tak pernah"
Kenapa?
Sebab aku tahu betapa banyaknyalah aku main-main masa aku dalam third year.
Betapa kalau nak sesalkan dan nak tuding jari, memang kena berdiri depan cermin dan tuding kat bayangan diri sendiri.
Takde salahnya DnT. Langsung.
Malah those people (read: akhawat) yang berada keliling aku, they keep me sane.
Walaupun kadang-kadang macam nak ignore all the messages yang cakap how strong I am and this is a test from Allah etc etc (hahhaa kejinya perangai aku dok ignore mesej2 tu..) but under all that, aku bersyukur. Aku sedar Allah has been taking care of me, I am surrounded by beautiful, kind and loving people.
I am very much loved.
And I cannot thank Allah enough.
With lots of love from the akhawat.
and lots of time in my hand.
I choose to do a lot of things, trying to keep myself busy.
Because I am afraid of all the possible pembaziran masa dan pengumpulan dosa yang boleh berlaku dengan banyaknya masa di tangan aku. haha..
That is how I become the SU of the NGO here in Ireland. (sape tahu NGO apa, diam-diam sudah)
I keep myself busy with the weekly halaqah dengan akak-akak suri rumah dan doktor in Cork.
I keep myself occupied dengan ajar budak-budak mengaji.
I volunteered in a lot of projects.. nak buat itu ini.
Until it hits me one day, aku ikhlas ke buat semua ni?
Or...is it just an escapism?
Just.. a distraction?
Sampai sekarang, aku harap, yang aku kerjakan itu.
semuanya Allah kira sebagai amal.
Banyak yg dah berlaku. nanti aku tulis dlm post yang lain.
Hmmm sekarang dan banyak masa..rajin pulak nak menulis ye? huhu..
3. 6 years and counting..
Hah! tajuk nampak macam gaya nak kahwin.
Sebenarnya nak tulis, 6 years and counting days till a proper closure.
Lama sangatlah menaruh harap pada sesuatu yang close to impossible. I can still remember what ayah told me when I told him about this guy yang dah curi hati anak dia. Ayah direct cakap : "Lupakanlah.." I asked him "why?". Ayah replied: "Lupakan jelah. Macam langit dengan bumi!"
There you go.
A simple summary of my lovelife.
Macam langit dengan bumi.
Maka, lupakanlah.
Little did I know, no matter how hard I tried to 'lupakan segalanya', memang tak boleh lupa..
Every single time ternampak dia, masih je ada kupu-kupu dalam perut, cold hands and cold feet, palpitation toksah cakap la.
Kesian.
I really hope I can put a closure to this one-sided affair.
*Dengar cerita macam beliau sudah pun merancang majlis. Mohon tabah laa sistur jamah nasi minyak nanti sambil tampal senyum plastik. Huuuu....
tu sajok nak tulis dalam summary 2k16.
Motip sangat.. buat bazir masa aku menulis dan orang membaca haha.
Moga 2017 diisi dengan benda yang lebih berfaedah.
I wanted to share my resolution tapi tak tahulah logik ke tak nak luah kat sini.
Harap boleh la keep track.
Moga ada penambahbaikan dalam setiap aspek hidup aku.
Baik agama, akademik atau relationships (dengan semua jenis manusia..)
Bismillah.
Kita tutup chapter 2016 dengan tasbih kifarah dan surah al-asr :)
No comments:
Post a Comment