Uncertainty : Of dreams, hope and (maybe) you?

For the past few days,
heck, for the past one year I have been disturbed by this thought.

THAT I WILL END UP ALONE.

That no one will love me ..
just enough to make him pluck up his courage and ask for my hand.

I mean.
I don't know if this is just something hormonal, me PMS-ing or whatnot.
But I can tell you for sure that I am so disturbed by this idea of (ended up) living alone.
My eyes will swell up with tears and my heart is aching every single time I had this thought.

I don't know how people perceive me.
I am very much sociable.
I am ready for commitment.
I mean.. I wanna be commited to something.
or someone.
Just let me have a chance !

I'm a good catch.
I'm funny
I'm nice
I can cook well
I wanna say I'm pretty too 
and I am a proud domestic goddess!
Like .. urghhhh.. I feel so frustrated while typing all this stuff.
DID NO ONE NOTICE ME ?!! like.. at all?

What is there not to like about me? :( 

OMG i feel like a kid, whining about the candy I couldn't get.
Kept away in a glass jar on the top shelf in the kitchen.
I know it's there..  but I couldn't reach for it.

Allahu.. I feel so lonely at times , that I couldn't even describe it.
I told other people about it,
how sometimes I feel so miserable I just let myself cry to sleep,
I shouldn't be feeling like this, kan?
and I don't want to resort to doing haraam things.. like .. idk.. Tinder? haha.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time right now.
This is just another level of meroyan.. haha.
Do you get how painful this is for me?
yet, I couldn't do anything about it.

O Allah, this waiting game is too much on me. 

Grant me strength to stay true to your Deen 

and bless me with guidance too. 

Did the world ran out of 'nice guy' supplies?
Did I overqualified to be a good wife?
or was I underqualified, still?
What should I do to improve myself?
What should I do to be like ... her?
She looks so nice in her white dress though
oh wait.. that was 6 months ago.
Now she's pregnant with her first child?!
She's 5 years younger than me!
Whatever happens to the theory of
different timeline
And I'm just rotting away
while filling up my minimum dose of romance
by watching dramas and reading comics
and listening to my friend's story of how sweet their partners are
and helping them brainstorming about the wedding plans
and what type of flowers will match their veil and laces
and which shoes to put on ,
just enough to make them look like a queen
and rocking that super long dress
but not overly done
so that the groom will still look relatively taller

I mean... I am too much invested in the idea that -

MARRIAGE IS EVERYTHING I NEED TO COMPLETE MY LIFE NOW.

But.
I have my own dreams to realize..
I have plans that I want to execute
I'll be moving out and about
I'll be running around
I should be running around
so i dont think I can fit anyone at the moment
I definitely can't fit you in my plans now.
Coz.. If you're in the plan...
.. I'm afraid you'll be the only plan.

I cannot afford to lose my dreams and my visions
and all the stuff I swore I'd do to make the world a better place
I cannot be greedy, my life is not entirely about me.. kan?
I cannot fit you anywhere in my life..
..so I have to stay this way
..alone and miserable still.

I can't whine anymore.
I shouldn't be whining.
I guess..
This is the price of having a dream.

:(

O Allah..

Untie this knots in my chest

Unravel this mess I've created in my mine

Mend my broken heart 

Complete the missing pieces I've spent my life trying to fix

My life and my death is Yours.. and Yours only.