Where are you now , T ?

An unnamed feeling came to me

It fills the spaces in my heart

Spaces that I thought was filled alright

by those who came after you

Clearly, the replacement , was not a good fit.

I am happy now, I do. 

But I miss the feelings and comfort I found in you.

Was it just familiarity?

Was it because of a shared dream?

Was it just a common interest? 

Are we just a good team?

I think, what we had was more than that.

I found Allah when I was with you.

I was reminded of how badly I want to strive to be a better me.

And the best part is, I am not alone in that journey.

(I feel so lonely now)

It is not fair to say that you leave me here

It is also mean to say that I made myself stay

The ink has dried, the pen was lifted

This is what Allah has decreed upon us

and with that I should be happy and content

Kan? :(

My battle is so different now

I am learning about myself more than ever

and after doing all of the things I thought I have always wanted to do

I realised one thing for sure..

.. it would be so much better if I'm with you.

It's funny how every little things in Cork, Dublin, Birm...

... ahh.. almost anything and everything reminded me of you girls.

And it scares me when every single memories we created 

during our five long years together..

..bit by bit..

is fading away.

I hope..

If someday..

all that I remember about you is just the warmth that you gave..

I hope I'll be alright with that.

It's inevitable, but it is also natural.

...like the grains of sand slipping through my fingers

no matter how hard I try to grasp it.

I'm not sad that I'm losing it.

I'm happy for the fact that I - for once - had it.

And for that...

O Allah

I thank You for blessing me with these souls 

that reminded me of You

that advises me with kindness and love

that concerns about my dunya and akhirah 

more than anyone would.

Please keep us all safe under Your protection my Rabb.

Please accept from us no matter how small.

And above all,

Please forgive me..

For I have sinned everyday,

I have wronged You in every way.

More so now, than I was before :(

Please keep me in good company

Ones that can guide me 

and remind me

of You

Yes, I miss the old me too,

T.

Reality check for you, T

"How did you do it , T?"

"Do what?"

"You're still happy and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with him..."

"Well, I don't see where is the issue."

"...I mean.. even when he doesn't look at you the same way?"

My heart snapped into two... for the thousandth time.
I plastered a smile over my face and I said.

"I don't mind at all. I just enjoyed the moment"

I lied. I was clearly in denial.
Having some sort of delusion that THIS.. gonna go somewhere.
And I keep that imagination alive by feeding a lot of assumptions and what ifs.
I wrote your story on your behalf. I was convinced that what I wrote was the truth.
Until tonight....

"T, have you had this talk with him?"

"About what?"

"You know, about you being so obvious and upfront with your feelings.. 

....is he okay with that?"

"..I... don't know"

"What if he's uncomfortable with .. all this?"

"...."

"Are you okay if one day,  he tells you that he doesn't like all this attention

and he doesn't feel the way you do?"

"To be honest...

He already did. 

We're just friends.

That's what he said

I just choose not to believe that."

"awwwhh ... T... " :'(

"I'm okay. I will be not okay when 

I choose to embrace that for a fact."

"That is so sad."

"I know" :)

My heart shattered again tonight.
A simple reality check by a friend brings me back to reality.

I look at our pictures again and again.
I recall our moments, most of them are just
me looking for you in a crowd
or me staring at you without you knowing.

Those moments are clearly all giddy,  sweet and happy only on my side.
What we had was clearly made complicated by own my mind.

It was pretty straightforward for you.
You said no.
I should've taken that as it is instead of sugarcoating it.

You and your sweet words.

Me and my overinterpretation. 

We're not a good match, kan?

I should've known better, kan..
I could've guarded my heart better.
And now that I'm in this trouble too deep,
all I can do is to seek help from Allah.

“O Allah, verily I seek the better choice from You, by Your knowledge, 

and I seek ability from You, by Your power, 

and I ask You from Your immense bounty. 

For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; 

You have knowledge and I know not; 

You are the Knower of the unseen realms. 

O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, 

and grant me blessing in it. 

And if You know that this matter is not good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then turn it away from me and me from it; 

and decree for me better than it, 

wherever it may be, 

and make me content with it.”

Learning to live in reality (sure is hard)
But I'll try again.. for the thousandth times.

T