113- and it tears me apart.

assalamualaikum.

as days pass and eventually exam was over, i think i have to express how i felt somehow in this blog.
it was monday when it happens. i went for  a tuition class at senawang. i sat at my usual place and revise the sub-topic i've learnt a week before.
i heard a low-tone scream-like sound. a surprise tone. it came from a boy. his eyes stares at the girl in front of him. he looked at her with suspicious,unbelievably,stunned face.
the girl in front of him was a muslim. i know her quite well. she's a freehair,socialised-much girl, living a 'great' life with numerous hairstyle everytime she came to the tuition class.only then i noticed the difference. she's wearing a hijab today. she covered her hair. it wasn't perfectly covered that night, but it's a good start.
then the boy starts to ramble. he said: "asal ko pakai tudung weh? ko baru balik surau ke?" he laughed! OUT LOUD.

at that time, my eyes were burning. i felt a rush inside that i've never felt before.  i looked at him, straight on his face. he didn't even felt guilty for what he just said.
for the long 17 years, eversince-born-muslim, i tried to hold myself back. maybe he didn't mean it.

the girl looked back at him: "aku bknnye balik surau la. ko ni. aku baru je nak berubah"
her statement made me cool down a bit. i tried not to listen to what they were talking about but the room wasn't big enough for me not to listen to their conversation.
the other boys joined him. they made fun of her. at that time, i could only say: " TAK KELAKAR PUN LAH!"

the others looked at me. maybe because i was almost yelled. or maybe i'm the only girl from an islamic school there, and they were all from KGV and STAD instead. i stared at the blank pages in front of me. i don't know what to do. i've failed to control myself. sir rahim enters the room. and our class started.

it was almost 10.00 pm. sir rahim let us go. i waited outside for a long time. i don't understand why my mom was late that day. then, the girl walked to me. she stands more or less 1 meter from me. i could see clearly what happened next. the boy, one who's making fun of her changes, came along.

he asked her: weyh, sebenarnye asal ko pakai tudung arini?
 i heard his question. clearly.

the girl looked at him: saje je. tak boleh?
her answer disappoints me.  but that was good for a start.

the boy giggled: weyh, takkan la ko pakai sesaje. mesti ade ape2 an?
i sighed heavily. as a sign i was there and listening, with a hope that they would behave.

the girl looked at him: takde ar. sebenarnya aku bet je. make a deal. budak "..." hutang aku starbucks ar lps ni.

i glanced automatically. i wanted to say "pardon me" for the reason i can't believe my own ears. but it was clearly stated by the girl herself. make a bet? out of the hukum2 in islam? make a bet on hijab?


i can't stand any longer. i walked away. i sat on the bench in the teacher's personal garden. i thought.. everything's going to be okay. she's not even related to me. not even my friend. but there's a feeling inside. i felt that i have failed. failed to be a good daei. even with no words.. i thought actions speaks louder than words. so i keep reminding myself  to show a good example. to be a role model. but what happens today.. proved that actions sometimes didn't even speak! my heart was broken. my eyes were burning. i don't know whether i was angry with her, or i was mad with the boys, or i was disappointed with myself!

am i have no functions there?
am i invisible?
did anyone ever noticed me?
did anyone even feel what i've felt?

they are playing with god's rules. wearing a hijab wasn't that hard. its not like Allah states certain types of fabrics to cover your head. ( but not the see-through materials)
at that time, i started to realise.
are they the one who'll be the leader in the future?
are they the one who'll be the judges in the court for every trials?
are they the  one who'll be the minister of EDUCATION later?

i simply can't accept all this. can anyone suggest in any way...
HOW COULD I EVER CHANGED THEM?

i love them all.. i do. they're muslims but didn't they know?

wallahualam
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