Where are you now , T ?

An unnamed feeling came to me

It fills the spaces in my heart

Spaces that I thought was filled alright

by those who came after you

Clearly, the replacement , was not a good fit.

I am happy now, I do. 

But I miss the feelings and comfort I found in you.

Was it just familiarity?

Was it because of a shared dream?

Was it just a common interest? 

Are we just a good team?

I think, what we had was more than that.

I found Allah when I was with you.

I was reminded of how badly I want to strive to be a better me.

And the best part is, I am not alone in that journey.

(I feel so lonely now)

It is not fair to say that you leave me here

It is also mean to say that I made myself stay

The ink has dried, the pen was lifted

This is what Allah has decreed upon us

and with that I should be happy and content

Kan? :(

My battle is so different now

I am learning about myself more than ever

and after doing all of the things I thought I have always wanted to do

I realised one thing for sure..

.. it would be so much better if I'm with you.

It's funny how every little things in Cork, Dublin, Birm...

... ahh.. almost anything and everything reminded me of you girls.

And it scares me when every single memories we created 

during our five long years together..

..bit by bit..

is fading away.

I hope..

If someday..

all that I remember about you is just the warmth that you gave..

I hope I'll be alright with that.

It's inevitable, but it is also natural.

...like the grains of sand slipping through my fingers

no matter how hard I try to grasp it.

I'm not sad that I'm losing it.

I'm happy for the fact that I - for once - had it.

And for that...

O Allah

I thank You for blessing me with these souls 

that reminded me of You

that advises me with kindness and love

that concerns about my dunya and akhirah 

more than anyone would.

Please keep us all safe under Your protection my Rabb.

Please accept from us no matter how small.

And above all,

Please forgive me..

For I have sinned everyday,

I have wronged You in every way.

More so now, than I was before :(

Please keep me in good company

Ones that can guide me 

and remind me

of You

Yes, I miss the old me too,

T.

Reality check for you, T

"How did you do it , T?"

"Do what?"

"You're still happy and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with him..."

"Well, I don't see where is the issue."

"...I mean.. even when he doesn't look at you the same way?"

My heart snapped into two... for the thousandth time.
I plastered a smile over my face and I said.

"I don't mind at all. I just enjoyed the moment"

I lied. I was clearly in denial.
Having some sort of delusion that THIS.. gonna go somewhere.
And I keep that imagination alive by feeding a lot of assumptions and what ifs.
I wrote your story on your behalf. I was convinced that what I wrote was the truth.
Until tonight....

"T, have you had this talk with him?"

"About what?"

"You know, about you being so obvious and upfront with your feelings.. 

....is he okay with that?"

"..I... don't know"

"What if he's uncomfortable with .. all this?"

"...."

"Are you okay if one day,  he tells you that he doesn't like all this attention

and he doesn't feel the way you do?"

"To be honest...

He already did. 

We're just friends.

That's what he said

I just choose not to believe that."

"awwwhh ... T... " :'(

"I'm okay. I will be not okay when 

I choose to embrace that for a fact."

"That is so sad."

"I know" :)

My heart shattered again tonight.
A simple reality check by a friend brings me back to reality.

I look at our pictures again and again.
I recall our moments, most of them are just
me looking for you in a crowd
or me staring at you without you knowing.

Those moments are clearly all giddy,  sweet and happy only on my side.
What we had was clearly made complicated by own my mind.

It was pretty straightforward for you.
You said no.
I should've taken that as it is instead of sugarcoating it.

You and your sweet words.

Me and my overinterpretation. 

We're not a good match, kan?

I should've known better, kan..
I could've guarded my heart better.
And now that I'm in this trouble too deep,
all I can do is to seek help from Allah.

“O Allah, verily I seek the better choice from You, by Your knowledge, 

and I seek ability from You, by Your power, 

and I ask You from Your immense bounty. 

For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; 

You have knowledge and I know not; 

You are the Knower of the unseen realms. 

O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, 

and grant me blessing in it. 

And if You know that this matter is not good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then turn it away from me and me from it; 

and decree for me better than it, 

wherever it may be, 

and make me content with it.”

Learning to live in reality (sure is hard)
But I'll try again.. for the thousandth times.

T

"You look happy , T"

Inchydoney Beach and a tale of an unguarded heart.

..twas a lovely day..

  

.. and a girl, unknowingly, fell in love again.

She shouldn't be.

but she just couldn't help it.

.. she knows she's in a deep trouble. 

A..really.. deep.. trouble

But she's adamant that she'll crawl her way up the hole and finds her sanity again..

.. but a girl like her, wearing her heart on her sleeves, it's obvious that it'll be impossible.

..we can already tell , for sure, that this is gonna be another blind commitment 

- foolish and absurd.

but hey.. she looks happy , right?

so let her keep her love

in this fleeting moment

and let her wear that dreamy eyes everyday. 

(and boy oh boy, let's pray this won't hurt her badly when she falls back to earth)

- T

Uncertainty : Of dreams, hope and (maybe) you?

For the past few days,
heck, for the past one year I have been disturbed by this thought.

THAT I WILL END UP ALONE.

That no one will love me ..
just enough to make him pluck up his courage and ask for my hand.

I mean.
I don't know if this is just something hormonal, me PMS-ing or whatnot.
But I can tell you for sure that I am so disturbed by this idea of (ended up) living alone.
My eyes will swell up with tears and my heart is aching every single time I had this thought.

I don't know how people perceive me.
I am very much sociable.
I am ready for commitment.
I mean.. I wanna be commited to something.
or someone.
Just let me have a chance !

I'm a good catch.
I'm funny
I'm nice
I can cook well
I wanna say I'm pretty too 
and I am a proud domestic goddess!
Like .. urghhhh.. I feel so frustrated while typing all this stuff.
DID NO ONE NOTICE ME ?!! like.. at all?

What is there not to like about me? :( 

OMG i feel like a kid, whining about the candy I couldn't get.
Kept away in a glass jar on the top shelf in the kitchen.
I know it's there..  but I couldn't reach for it.

Allahu.. I feel so lonely at times , that I couldn't even describe it.
I told other people about it,
how sometimes I feel so miserable I just let myself cry to sleep,
I shouldn't be feeling like this, kan?
and I don't want to resort to doing haraam things.. like .. idk.. Tinder? haha.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time right now.
This is just another level of meroyan.. haha.
Do you get how painful this is for me?
yet, I couldn't do anything about it.

O Allah, this waiting game is too much on me. 

Grant me strength to stay true to your Deen 

and bless me with guidance too. 

Did the world ran out of 'nice guy' supplies?
Did I overqualified to be a good wife?
or was I underqualified, still?
What should I do to improve myself?
What should I do to be like ... her?
She looks so nice in her white dress though
oh wait.. that was 6 months ago.
Now she's pregnant with her first child?!
She's 5 years younger than me!
Whatever happens to the theory of
different timeline
And I'm just rotting away
while filling up my minimum dose of romance
by watching dramas and reading comics
and listening to my friend's story of how sweet their partners are
and helping them brainstorming about the wedding plans
and what type of flowers will match their veil and laces
and which shoes to put on ,
just enough to make them look like a queen
and rocking that super long dress
but not overly done
so that the groom will still look relatively taller

I mean... I am too much invested in the idea that -

MARRIAGE IS EVERYTHING I NEED TO COMPLETE MY LIFE NOW.

But.
I have my own dreams to realize..
I have plans that I want to execute
I'll be moving out and about
I'll be running around
I should be running around
so i dont think I can fit anyone at the moment
I definitely can't fit you in my plans now.
Coz.. If you're in the plan...
.. I'm afraid you'll be the only plan.

I cannot afford to lose my dreams and my visions
and all the stuff I swore I'd do to make the world a better place
I cannot be greedy, my life is not entirely about me.. kan?
I cannot fit you anywhere in my life..
..so I have to stay this way
..alone and miserable still.

I can't whine anymore.
I shouldn't be whining.
I guess..
This is the price of having a dream.

:(

O Allah..

Untie this knots in my chest

Unravel this mess I've created in my mine

Mend my broken heart 

Complete the missing pieces I've spent my life trying to fix

My life and my death is Yours.. and Yours only.

A very happy Eid indeed :)

Assalamualaikum

(side note: I'm having trouble typing with my index finger because of the cut I got while cleaning the cans yesterday.. sigh.. so easily injured)


Alhamdulillah.
We are blessed with an opportunity to celebrate our eidul adha here in Cork for the.. emmm.. I think it's our 4th time now? And the best part about this year's eid is -- WE WALKED TO THE MOSQUE!

I know it's not really an achievement, many other people did that. But for me, that is my first time. And I feel sooo happy walking to the mosque and perform my Eid prayer with my housemates. I just love them :)

And alhamdulillah, last night we managed to prepare 2 dishes for our Raya Putlock - We made Laksam and Rendang Ayam. Alhamdulillah all turns out well (though there's a bit of drama in the beginning of not being able to get the right consistency of the batter, but we did well in the end biiznillah). And everything we made is super yummy and people liked it! alhamdulillah :)

O yeah, so back at the mosque. The khutbah reminds me of the things I really hate to do - sacrifice. Honestly, I don't like sacrificing because - I feel like I lose what I gave. And I don't like the feeling of losing something .. ( err prolly because I thought I have lost so much but in fact Allah has given me more ni'mah in return Alhamdulillah)

The khatib mentioned a story about Hajr and Ibrahim, and how they have to sacrifice. But Hajr was so clear that the instruction came from Allah - and she let it all happen. She's completely redha :)

That strikes me, that whatever I thought I own or lose in this world is not mine to begin with, and it's just  worldly thing anyway. The fact that I feel so much agony and pain over the past few years is because I'm still very much attached to everything in this world and I'm attached to the idea that I own things :(

That is bad.
Very bad.

So tim, please understand that sometimes Allah takes a little bit from you to see how you react to His action. Show that you are able to grow out of the pain and prove that you love Allah and His plans more than  what He gave/take from you. Build that sincerity from deep within and InshaAllah no matter what happen, you'll feel more at ease.

That's pretty much what I'd like to say in this post.
I'm just gonna attach some photos to commemorate other things that I did with my friends today :)

 

 

May Allah bless us all and protect us from any danger.

May He grant us strength when we need it most.

And may He guides us in whatever we do :) 

Alhamdullilah for the best gift today, Ya Allah 

Alhamdulillah wanastaghfirullah ... I'm officially a final year student :) 

Summer Elective: With the vampire(s)

Assalamualaikum.

(again, I'm noting this down so that I can recollect the memories when I wanted to.. ya know, like after graduation in 2019? InshaAllah. Ameen.)

Alhamdulillah I managed to spend a week with the Haematology team in Cork University Hospital (CUH). It was a great experience, one I wouldn't trade for anything else.

It all started last year? I think. I thought hard to decide whether I should do my summer elective here, in Ireland, or when I'm back in Malaysia.

So after thinking and discussing this matter with a friend, I came to a conclusion that I should complete the whole 4 weeks here. Better opportunity to spend more time getting used to the systems and the syllabus.

I applied for obsgyn, paeds, surgery, neuro, palliative and haem. But Allah has decreed that I managed to secure attachment with palliative, haem and neuro only (in that order).

So this week, I'm with the blood team (or the Vampires hihi)

Before starting the elective with them , I heard rumours about the team. How they are very stern with students, very particular about how things are, they'd snap at you if you are not reaching their expectations, they actually make someone cried and bla bla bla..

Honestly, I was a bit scared.
My hands are cold that morning.
I have sweats running down my back .. like all the time
(but maybe it's because of the heatwave in Europe hihi)

After spending a few days with the head of the team, that was rumoured to be a very 'garang' person, I got to see why she's acting like that and why people hate her.

She is a very good doctor.
An ideal one i'd say.
She adresses the patient with honorifics even when she's not around them.
She even corrected me when I was trying to present a case to her (and at that time I was not using honorifics to address them). She said it sounds disrespectful.. in which, I agree.

She treats her patients with the best care possible.
Making sure that they are feeling comfortable and sent back home.. as a happy individual.
I appreciate how she actually takes time to explain a disease / a medication / a simple form to her patients.. and she did it with a smile and in the best manner.

She treats us, the students, very seriously.
She includes us in every meetings, handovers, journal club and clinics.
she makes sure that we actually understand stuff by asking us questions ... and though most of the time we're unable to answer it, she wouldn't flip!
She appreciate hard work and dedications that you put in completing tasks given.

With H.
(Apart from the bloods, I got to know about this girl a lil more.
SHE IS SO CUTE! k I'm not a freak k)

Honestly, I aspire to be as good as her.
A doctor.
and a teacher.

I wouldn't mind to be part of that team again.
From consultants, SpR, reg, SHO and even the interns are suuuuuuper nice and cooperative.
And despite the workload that they have, they actually make time to check on us and entertain our questions if we have any :)


I'm gonna miss them, the bloodsuckers and bone marrow extractors <3 p="">Hope to see you guys again :p


She asked me about my plan after graduation. I said I might go back because my mom wants me back in Malaysia.

She said this in reply "You might wanna think about it again. If you have Ireland in your list of 'work experience', that would make it easier for you to enter other countries like US or UK. And the training here is better I think."

and to that statement, I replied: "Yeah. I think I might think about it again :) . Thank you."


So ... now. Let's work hard to graduate with honours, and maybe... apply for internship here?
Should I ask ibu first? :/  I'm in a dilemma.. again.


Let's make a lot of doa and istikharah over the year. May Allah ease my decision making process :)

"O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessing in it. And if You know that this matter is not good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.”

Summer Elective : A week living with the dying.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

(idk why I started to feel awkward to start my post with this. Maybe because I don't think anyone will read the stuff I wrote here. Oh well.. )


Anyway.
Last week (from the 23rd July - 27th July) I did my summer elective at one of the best hospice in Ireland. Emm I'm not sure if the word 'best' is appropriate to describe a hospice though. So a hospice is basically a hospital that caters to end-of life care.

I started the week feeling so pumped up with adrenaline, I have prepared myself to witness the thing I feared most in medical field - watching your patient die!

So I walked into Marymount Hospice in Curraheen with that mindset - I want to be stronger emotionally. I want to be prepared. I want to learn how not to get affected by loss(es). The reason I choose palliative care for my elective is mostly what I said above .. and a tiny bit of  I-havent-had-this-kind-of-exposure-in-fourth-year and also a little bit of this-one-week-elective-gonna-fly-without-much-learning-to-do.

I started the week with MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting , there I met my supervisor (Dr Marie Murphy), the Reg and SHO (Ciara and Dierdre) , the staff nurse ( I call her V) , the pastor (Daniel) and the community staff nurse (Mary) and the ward manager (Ger) . They were soooo nice and welcoming. I feel great.. but halfway through the meeting, my sleepiness from jetlag started to kick in. I cant believe I dozed off for a few secs, i hope no one notice that!

So the week went by with MDT, ward rounds, coffe breaks, more ward rounds, taking history and do examination on stable patients, listening to doc's prognosis on some of them was hard, but that's part and parcel of the job. 

I started to feel like : this is such a bad place to work in. Some of the patients I see during ward rounds are feeling low -almost all the time. Prolly because they are lonely and thinking of the ones they will leave soon. 

I asked my supervisor one fine morning "The patients are feeling low, you can't cure their disease / illness. Why palliative care though? What drives you to continue?"

So Dr Marie Murphy gave me the best answer anyone could, she ask me back. What's the principles of providing healthcare? 

And I was stunned. All I know is "DO NO HARM" lol. 

She added "..Do no harm, do good to patient, respect their autonomy, and respect the use of your resources"

So she explained on how we must care for the patient as an individual, striving to ease their pain, giving them chances to live in comfort and pain-free, improving their quality of life for no matter how many days/weeks they have left. 

Those things.. matters to the patient..maybe more than just having the chance to live an extended period of time but constantly in pain, unable to eat, and feeling weak all the time.  What's the good in that?

and she corrected me : "and you know what, not all of our patient here died in this facility. Some of them gets better than how they presented at first. We treated their symptoms and we are happy, as much as they are happy to go back home and spend their time with their family. That .. to me, is a good motivation"

This place might not be as big as Cork Uni Hospital, with hundreds of beds. But I like the ambience here, I love the lessons I learn - as a doctor, you do not treat your patient's symptoms like crossing off  things from your list. Treating an individual is more than that. To make them feel human again. To make their life worth living. 

As I walk down the stairs for one last time, I thought to myself. If I can't treat hundreds of patients each day, having one that genuinely feel good after our encounter is all I need as motivation and drive to continue. 

This job is never a fulfilling one if what you seek is popularity and good money. I hope I can keep my intention pure in providing what's best for my patient, using my resources as ethically as I can and respecting them as human beings .. and not just another case to settle before I go back and hit the bed.

And I think.. it is okay to have soft and mushy heart that breaks 

every time I experience loss(es), witnessing death 

and other bad news that I have to deliver to my patient 

as I see their expressions become gloomier. 

It is okay to feel bad, to shed tears. 

It is part of our human emotions.

Let's not lose the empathy every single one of us should have.

With that in mind - I hope I can grow to become a good doctor. 

One that can give my best in any given situation. InshaAllah. 

"Rabbanaa laa tuzigh quloobanaa ba’da ith hadaytanaa 

wahab lanaa min ladunka rahmatan innaka antal-wahhaab"

“Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate (from the truth) after You have guided us

and grant us mercy from Yourself . Indeed, You are the Bestower.”

On my last day, I saw this on the reception desk. I can't help but to capture it. :)