Of robes, mortarboard and scrolls.

I woke up that morning without a smile.
I sit up, feeling unmotivated to leave my bed.
I draw the curtains  and the sky greets me with its brightest shade of blue.
I smile a bit.. but it quickly fades away.

"What a beautiful day to graduate, right?"

The voices inside my head started to whisper it's darkest thoughts.
It echoes and it repeats after itself, indefinitely.
Even as I was taking my shower (and crying under the running water) ,
as I choose my best attire to go out to show that I am doing just fine,
as I put on my make up to cover the dark circles and swollen face,
as I practice my smile in case it looks forced.
and saying 'congratulations' to the mirror with no genuine feelings in it.

I took a picture to commemorate the day I mustered up courage to watch them graduate. 

After I perform my Dhuha prayer, my eyes started to get a little bit teary.
I know this day will come.
I thought thousands of times over whether to show up and pretended like it was nothing
or not to show up at all.

But I decided , at least I have to show my face and say "congratulations" and "all the best" to them.
I might not see any of them anymore.. I should do it, so I won't have any regrets later.
I owe big thanks to Syifa and Sofieya for making me go to see it..
..and take me to town to lift my spirits later.

If I didn't turn up at all,
my poor Kak Rina won't be having the chance of capturing our usrah together in a photo.
and Shah wouldn't have anyone by her side.
and at least, I should show that I actually showed up to my usrahmates.
..for this is a closure. I guess, for a long dreadful chapter with them as final years.

I was picked up by Kak Rina at 12 pm.
I put on my sunnies. to cover my eyes in case it started to become teary in front of them.

As I walk towards the quadrangle filled with people,
Kak Rina said she saw Effah.
But my eyes were looking for Syifa and Sofieya first.
I saw them sitting next to idk-who.
We chatted for a bit before I started greeting others and take picture with them.

I was okay until one clueless friend asked to take a picture of us two..
and she decided to make me hold her scroll while she holds her flowers.

I scoffed.
I literally looked at the scroll in my hand and I can't believe she actually makes me hold it for her.
I wanted to scream at her face, and throw her hard-earned degree on the green field,
and stomp on it like it was nothing but a piece of paper.

But I didn't.
Alhamdulillah.

The scene just keeps on playing in my head while I stand next to her with that scroll in my hands.
I hope it was not captured in the picture how I hated her for making me do it.

I saw Shah in a distance.
I said hello to her.

Her eyes quickly becomes teary and so did mine.
We hugged each other for a very long time..
and for the first time, I actually feel like I made the right decision to come.

We cried as we hugged each other,
and she said thanks for coming.
I genuinely wished her congratulations
and wiped away her tears.

It was the warmest moment ever in my entire year.

I saw my usrahmates in a distance.
I know they are expecting me to go there.
So I walked over to them with Kak Rina.
We took a few shots together.
I don't feel like taking any photos that day.
But I did anyway.

None of them are in my phone.

As the cameraman give cues to take pictures,
and I plaster my fake smile,
Another voice in my head started to whisper,  "Can't you just be happy for them?"
I let out a sigh and say - "Don't you think that's too much to ask from me?"

I owe a lot of explanation to the people around me.
But I think,  giving explanation would not change anything.

I will still lock myself in my room when I feel like doing so.
I will still stay up and binge on whatever instant food, dramas or movies.
I will still text S randomly and walk to her place whenever I feel like I need to talk to someone.
I will still choose to ignore those texts from anyone about anything because I don't feel like replying them.
I will still pluck up that dandelions I saw by the roadside and wished for a  knight to come and save me as I blow it.
I will still pray to Allah over and over again to give me strength to forgive and forget my mistakes.

As long as I can keep my sanity.
As long as I can still love myself..
.. a little bit more than self-hate.

I owe no one any explanations.
I owe no one any apologies.

Because if I did explain, or ask for their forgiveness,
I have to hear that one sentence that I hate - "We understand." 

Honestly no one would.
No one could.

Only Allah knows how hard I try to keep myself sane while trying my best not to hurt other people.
I didn't want things to end this way, I hope I can make our chapter ends in a better note.


Someday, when I feel a little bit better, maybe I will text you guys and ask how you were doing,
how's life and what it felt like to work in a hospital. I will throw in some jokes, and make you laugh at it.... like good old times.  Someday, I will genuinely give my whole attention and listen to your stories without having any intention to walk away.


But for now, watching you guys in your black robes from a distance is all I can do.
As you throw your mortarboard, and show your scrolls to your family and friends,
all I can do is to wish you a plain, monotonous 'congrats'
then turn around and let out a sigh.

I hope there is a better way for me to do it -
but this is the best that I could do.

A little throwback of my favourite picture. InshaAllah your turn will come, sayang.

Black

It came uninvited.
It crept in , unannounced.

I said "Should I just.. let you in?"
The black dog stares back at me.

It was a complete silence..
..before I let it in -
gnawing on whatever's left on my bones.

Rules of happiness.

Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.
Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!" 
In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.

 

2017 - Blarney Castle, Cork

Today marks the historical day for most of my friends here. The yellow-taggers, the final years are finally allowed to use the title 'Dr.' in front of their names. (yay) They can proudly flaunt it.. because they have worked so hard for it. If I were in their place, I would announce my success to the whole world because it's sooooooo tough to get there.

Officially, it's the beginning of their new life and the start of a journey as a doctor. It also marks the end of their time here in Cork (well.. unless they managed to secure a job here.)

But in the sea of happiness and joy all around me, why can't I be happy for them?

I remember when S entered my room today, she was talking to J on the phone and was congratulating her for her success. I knew right away that J.. is now Dr J. And same goes to a lot of others  (which I don't want to know)

I plaster a bitter smile on my face. I can feel a lump in my chest. I look out the window and try to find the courage to be happy for the rest of them 'doctors'.

When S ended her phone call with J, I think she noticed that my eyes has swelled up with tears. I can't hide my expression from S. I try to continue my reading but the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

S asked me: "Why are you crying? Are you not happy?"

I answered: "Honestly, I don't know why I'm crying."

I think S understands what I mean.

We came here together, yet, some of us are going to get left behind. The bond that we built, was more than just friendship. We were together through our thick and thin, come hell or high waters, we were there for each other.

Somehow along the way, the grades separated us. The outliers;  students with recorded failures - ME ! Were meant to wait at the sidelines applauding those who managed to reach the finishing line first.

I know I should not feel this way. Everyone is living their own timelines, set by Allah. I know I know. But... I just want to let this weight off my shoulder. I don't know who I should be talking to.. all I can do is to tell Allah everyday in my prayers to grant me a sound mind and a heart at peace with His qada and qadar.

On days like this, I pray for extra strength from Allah. Small stuff, even a tiny bit of pressure.. can shatter my fragile heart. For the passed few days, I opt to lock myself in my room.

Typical tim - avoiding human interaction to protect her image of 'happy tim'.

 I thought I did a good job at protecting myself. But little did I know, I , myself, is capable of breaking my own spirit. Honestly, staying alone in a darkened room is not helping. Hah! (Kalau ibu tahu mesti ibu marah)

I told Allah yesterday that I don't want to enter Ramadhan this year, feeling unhappy with what's written and what has happened. I really want to make a full use of my opportunity of meeting Ramadhan this year (inshaAllah)

And.. !!! It is not cool to keep on rubbing salt to your own wound, Tim. It is super not cool to reopen the wound that's recovering well. You know that better!

I keep on telling others about my vision, to empower women, to make them stand up for their rights, the let them choose their battlefield, and fight. But on some days... geez... some days, I am that weakling - drowning in my own emotions and sorrow.

God oh god. Grant me a sound mind, and a heart at peace.

Please.

Toughen up , heart. You got a longggg journey ahead of you.

Let's not dwell on the dark side of your past. Let's not blame your poor self.

Bismillah.

Jom masuk ramadhan dengan hati yang redha okay , tim :)

Senyum sikit, tim.

Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.

Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!"

In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.

Above all else, Allah said

"Only in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find peace"

PRU14 : Detik bersejarah buat Malaysia

Saya bangga saya anak Malaysia. 

Usia pun dah mencecah angka 25, dan sejujurnya saya  tak sangka saya berpeluang menyaksikan detik bersejarah ini bagi tanah air saya bernama Malaysia.

1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita rakyat Malaysia telah berjaya membuktikan kita tidak akan mundur - 80.78% rakyat Malaysia keluar mengundi walau #GE14 jatuh di tengah minggu! Ada yang mengambil cuti, ada yang bergilir bertugas di tempat masing-masing.. semuanya kerana rasa sayang kepada Malaysia dan ingin laksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai rakyat.

1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita rakyat Malaysia telah berjaya membuktikan kita tidak akan mundur - tidak terkira betapa ramainya warga Malaysia yang sanggup menghulur bantuan kewangan bagi yang kurang berkemampuan untuk pulang ke tempat mengundi. Ada yang sanggup berkongsi kereta dengan 'total strangers'. Ada yang sanggup membayar kos penghantaran kertas undi yang mahal ke Malaysia tanpa mengira sempat tiba atau tidak. Ada juga yang berkampung di lapangan terbang di luar negara kerana mahu mencari mana-mana rakyat Malaysia yang akan pulang ke Malaysia..hanya untuk mengirimkan kertas undi yang takkan sampai jika di-poskan. Juga ada antara kita yang sanggup menjadi 'runner' selepas mengundi di kawasan sendiri, secara sukarela mengutip ballot yang tiba di KLIA...semuanya kerana rasa sayang kepada Malaysia dan ingin laksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai rakyat.

Kertas undi seorang Tim yang lambat tiba .. maka simpan buat kenangan sahaja.

1) Hari ini dalam sejarah, kita menyaksikan sebuah harapan untuk masa depan - kita berjaya melahirkan kerusi parlimen pelbagai warna. Ini adalah sesuatu yang sihat, supaya ada 'check and balance', persaingan yang lebih kuat untuk membuktikan mereka boleh menambahbaik keadaan Malaysia. Warna-warni bukan kegagalan, juga bukan kejayaan 'ultimate'. Perjalanan masih jauh, usaha harus dilipatgandakan, baik dari mereka sebagai pemimpin atau kita sebagai rakyat. Biar niat kita semuanya tulus - kerana sama-sama rasa sayang kepada Malaysia.

1) Hari ini dalam sejarah - saya menyaksikan media lebih berani dan lebih matang dalam membincangkan isu-isu seputar pilihanraya. Kita kritik mana-mana kekurangan dengan kritikan membina dan perbincangan yang harmoni, kita terima dan tolak pendapat masing-masing dengan tenang. Kita lapang dada dengan perbezaan pendapat dan sejahtera dengan kritikan kepada kita kerana kita sedar mana-mana hak itu wujud untuk dipenuhi - hak sebagai rakyat, hak sebagai pengundi.. dan hak tanah air ini supaya tidak lagi terus dimanipulasi. Semuanya kerana kita sayang kepada Malaysia.

Apa pun yang telah berlaku dan akan berlaku selepas pilihanraya ini, banyak pengajaran yang kita semua boleh kutip sebagai rakyat Malaysia. Selangkah lebih berlapang dada, selangkah lebih dewasa.

Mari kita buktikan kita cukup matang untuk berdiri sebaris walau apa pendirian kita dan pandangan politik masing-masing.

Kita terus pandang ke depan dengan visi yang jelas untuk memperjuangkan isu rakyat lebih dari emosi peribadi. 

Untuk kesekian kalinya,
Perjuangan ini baru bermula. 

Kita semua rakyat yang sayangkan negara..
..dan kita ingin bina negara ini semula.

Ini bukan kerja solo bagi yang telah menang.
ini bukan peluang larikan diri bagi sang mantan.

Untuk bina negara kita adalah kerja KITA SEMUA. 

Malaysians..be proud of what we did today.
And let's continue fighting for our rights  

:)

Ps: I want to see more women in the cabinet :)

(and not kabinet dapur okay .. like.. real cabinet)

Sekian muhasabah #GE14 dari anak di perantauan.

Fatimah Z. Zulqarnain.
Pelajar Perubatan Ireland. 

Delayed grief.

I have no words to explain how I feel at the moment.

I feel empty inside, yet I know I cannot feel this way.

I want to just cry.. and pour all my feelings.

But I feel numb instead.

This is not happening , right?

I can't focus on my revision.

Since yesterday, when  I found out Atuk has passed away,

I locked myself in my room, I sleep a lot.. I refuse to wake up.

I know this is not how things should be.

I don't want to remind myself of the price of a dream.

I shouldn't be too hard on myself just because I chose this path when I was 18. 

"A strong muslim  can accept what's written by Allah."

So I pray and pray to Allah.

Don't let my sorrow drowns me.

Lend me some strength to rise above my troubled heart.

Give me a peace of mind so I can rationalize and prioritize.

"The stakes are high, the water's rough - but this fight is ours" 

P/s: Thanks to my friends for their warm wishes and dua.. I really appreciate it :) 

May Allah ease your affair too. 

Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.

29th April

"Ibu and ayah on the way balik ke Seremban. Atuk Hamzah masuk hospital. Doakan baik-baik"- Ibu.

My heart sank.

3rd May

"Salam. Keadaan Atuk makin merosot. Angah jangan sedih ya.. baca yassin untuk Atuk. Atuk bangga angah bakal jadi doktor. Cuma Atuk mungkin tak sempat dirawat oleh cucunya. Be strong ya.. jangan hilang fokus." - Ibu

"Doktor cakap multiple infarct in his brain, lung infections and kidney is not working well. 

Prognosis is bad. I opt for DNR. I hope this is for the best." - Ayah

I opened my al-quran.

I read the first verse of Surah Yassin..

.. I burst into tears.

My heart can't handle it though I have tried to rationalize the whole situation.

I texted my dad and asked for his whereabouts.

"Ayah kat hospital ni, teman Atuk malam ni." - ayah

"Ayah... can I have a look at Atuk?"

"Okay."

I swiped right to answer the video call.

Ayah saw my red nose and swollen eyes.. and the tears that I try to wipe off my face. 

"Hey.. jangan nangis beriya dulu..

Atuk ada lagi kan.."

I want to tell Ayah.. I know how bad it looks

and I know Atuk tak lama dah.

But Ayah is barely hanging on.

He removed his glasses when he talks to me.

He showed his bitter smile to cheer me up..

..but I think I made him cry after.

4th May

"Keaadan Atuk makin stabil. 

Gula dah okay balik" - Ibu.

"Let's pray for a miracle for Atuk." - Ayah.

5th May

I woke up this morning having a hunch that today might be the day.

I unlocked my phone.

And there... I read the line from ibu.

"Angah- Atuk dah tak ada."

I put my phone aside.

I sit up in my bed.

Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rajiun ..

That is all I can say.

Images of Atuk are dancing in my head..

He lived a good 87 years..

He's here long enough, Tim.

Let's be happy for him.

I push my duvet aside.

I head to the kitchen to have my breakfast...

..and bit by bit it started to hit me.

Atuk... dah takda. 

I want to cry my hearts out..

and if I have enough money I want to fly back.

But growing up means you have to be realistic..

my exams are not over yet.

And I have promised my mom that I won't lose focus.

I bid my goodbye when I last met him.

I hugged him knowing I might not see him again.

I know that for a fact. 

Al-Fatihah untuk Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.

Our last moments together.

Tanda hidup

Aku dah hampir setahun bergelar pelajar tahun empat.
Sekarang, tengah bertapa dalam gua
sebab sedang menghadapi ujian akhir tahun empat.

Kalau Allah dah tuliskan aku menjejaki tahun lima Jun ini,
moga aku terus istiqamah usaha untuk Dia.

Ini bukan tentang masa depan aku sahaja,
Ini hadiah untuk ibu ayah.

Dan harga hadiah yang bukan murah..
untuk hidup dan masa menjadi milik manusia.