Rules of happiness.

Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.
Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!" 
In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.

 

2017 - Blarney Castle, Cork

Today marks the historical day for most of my friends here. The yellow-taggers, the final years are finally allowed to use the title 'Dr.' in front of their names. (yay) They can proudly flaunt it.. because they have worked so hard for it. If I were in their place, I would announce my success to the whole world because it's sooooooo tough to get there.

Officially, it's the beginning of their new life and the start of a journey as a doctor. It also marks the end of their time here in Cork (well.. unless they managed to secure a job here.)

But in the sea of happiness and joy all around me, why can't I be happy for them?

I remember when S entered my room today, she was talking to J on the phone and was congratulating her for her success. I knew right away that J.. is now Dr J. And same goes to a lot of others  (which I don't want to know)

I plaster a bitter smile on my face. I can feel a lump in my chest. I look out the window and try to find the courage to be happy for the rest of them 'doctors'.

When S ended her phone call with J, I think she noticed that my eyes has swelled up with tears. I can't hide my expression from S. I try to continue my reading but the tears just rolled down my cheeks.

S asked me: "Why are you crying? Are you not happy?"

I answered: "Honestly, I don't know why I'm crying."

I think S understands what I mean.

We came here together, yet, some of us are going to get left behind. The bond that we built, was more than just friendship. We were together through our thick and thin, come hell or high waters, we were there for each other.

Somehow along the way, the grades separated us. The outliers;  students with recorded failures - ME ! Were meant to wait at the sidelines applauding those who managed to reach the finishing line first.

I know I should not feel this way. Everyone is living their own timelines, set by Allah. I know I know. But... I just want to let this weight off my shoulder. I don't know who I should be talking to.. all I can do is to tell Allah everyday in my prayers to grant me a sound mind and a heart at peace with His qada and qadar.

On days like this, I pray for extra strength from Allah. Small stuff, even a tiny bit of pressure.. can shatter my fragile heart. For the passed few days, I opt to lock myself in my room.

Typical tim - avoiding human interaction to protect her image of 'happy tim'.

 I thought I did a good job at protecting myself. But little did I know, I , myself, is capable of breaking my own spirit. Honestly, staying alone in a darkened room is not helping. Hah! (Kalau ibu tahu mesti ibu marah)

I told Allah yesterday that I don't want to enter Ramadhan this year, feeling unhappy with what's written and what has happened. I really want to make a full use of my opportunity of meeting Ramadhan this year (inshaAllah)

And.. !!! It is not cool to keep on rubbing salt to your own wound, Tim. It is super not cool to reopen the wound that's recovering well. You know that better!

I keep on telling others about my vision, to empower women, to make them stand up for their rights, the let them choose their battlefield, and fight. But on some days... geez... some days, I am that weakling - drowning in my own emotions and sorrow.

God oh god. Grant me a sound mind, and a heart at peace.

Please.

Toughen up , heart. You got a longggg journey ahead of you.

Let's not dwell on the dark side of your past. Let's not blame your poor self.

Bismillah.

Jom masuk ramadhan dengan hati yang redha okay , tim :)

Senyum sikit, tim.

Karl Moore wrote the 18 rules of happiness.

Leo Tolstoy said: "If you want to be happy, be!"

In all honesty, the heart only wants what it wants.

Above all else, Allah said

"Only in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find peace"