Of robes, mortarboard and scrolls.

I woke up that morning without a smile.
I sit up, feeling unmotivated to leave my bed.
I draw the curtains  and the sky greets me with its brightest shade of blue.
I smile a bit.. but it quickly fades away.

"What a beautiful day to graduate, right?"

The voices inside my head started to whisper it's darkest thoughts.
It echoes and it repeats after itself, indefinitely.
Even as I was taking my shower (and crying under the running water) ,
as I choose my best attire to go out to show that I am doing just fine,
as I put on my make up to cover the dark circles and swollen face,
as I practice my smile in case it looks forced.
and saying 'congratulations' to the mirror with no genuine feelings in it.

I took a picture to commemorate the day I mustered up courage to watch them graduate. 

After I perform my Dhuha prayer, my eyes started to get a little bit teary.
I know this day will come.
I thought thousands of times over whether to show up and pretended like it was nothing
or not to show up at all.

But I decided , at least I have to show my face and say "congratulations" and "all the best" to them.
I might not see any of them anymore.. I should do it, so I won't have any regrets later.
I owe big thanks to Syifa and Sofieya for making me go to see it..
..and take me to town to lift my spirits later.

If I didn't turn up at all,
my poor Kak Rina won't be having the chance of capturing our usrah together in a photo.
and Shah wouldn't have anyone by her side.
and at least, I should show that I actually showed up to my usrahmates.
..for this is a closure. I guess, for a long dreadful chapter with them as final years.

I was picked up by Kak Rina at 12 pm.
I put on my sunnies. to cover my eyes in case it started to become teary in front of them.

As I walk towards the quadrangle filled with people,
Kak Rina said she saw Effah.
But my eyes were looking for Syifa and Sofieya first.
I saw them sitting next to idk-who.
We chatted for a bit before I started greeting others and take picture with them.

I was okay until one clueless friend asked to take a picture of us two..
and she decided to make me hold her scroll while she holds her flowers.

I scoffed.
I literally looked at the scroll in my hand and I can't believe she actually makes me hold it for her.
I wanted to scream at her face, and throw her hard-earned degree on the green field,
and stomp on it like it was nothing but a piece of paper.

But I didn't.
Alhamdulillah.

The scene just keeps on playing in my head while I stand next to her with that scroll in my hands.
I hope it was not captured in the picture how I hated her for making me do it.

I saw Shah in a distance.
I said hello to her.

Her eyes quickly becomes teary and so did mine.
We hugged each other for a very long time..
and for the first time, I actually feel like I made the right decision to come.

We cried as we hugged each other,
and she said thanks for coming.
I genuinely wished her congratulations
and wiped away her tears.

It was the warmest moment ever in my entire year.

I saw my usrahmates in a distance.
I know they are expecting me to go there.
So I walked over to them with Kak Rina.
We took a few shots together.
I don't feel like taking any photos that day.
But I did anyway.

None of them are in my phone.

As the cameraman give cues to take pictures,
and I plaster my fake smile,
Another voice in my head started to whisper,  "Can't you just be happy for them?"
I let out a sigh and say - "Don't you think that's too much to ask from me?"

I owe a lot of explanation to the people around me.
But I think,  giving explanation would not change anything.

I will still lock myself in my room when I feel like doing so.
I will still stay up and binge on whatever instant food, dramas or movies.
I will still text S randomly and walk to her place whenever I feel like I need to talk to someone.
I will still choose to ignore those texts from anyone about anything because I don't feel like replying them.
I will still pluck up that dandelions I saw by the roadside and wished for a  knight to come and save me as I blow it.
I will still pray to Allah over and over again to give me strength to forgive and forget my mistakes.

As long as I can keep my sanity.
As long as I can still love myself..
.. a little bit more than self-hate.

I owe no one any explanations.
I owe no one any apologies.

Because if I did explain, or ask for their forgiveness,
I have to hear that one sentence that I hate - "We understand." 

Honestly no one would.
No one could.

Only Allah knows how hard I try to keep myself sane while trying my best not to hurt other people.
I didn't want things to end this way, I hope I can make our chapter ends in a better note.


Someday, when I feel a little bit better, maybe I will text you guys and ask how you were doing,
how's life and what it felt like to work in a hospital. I will throw in some jokes, and make you laugh at it.... like good old times.  Someday, I will genuinely give my whole attention and listen to your stories without having any intention to walk away.


But for now, watching you guys in your black robes from a distance is all I can do.
As you throw your mortarboard, and show your scrolls to your family and friends,
all I can do is to wish you a plain, monotonous 'congrats'
then turn around and let out a sigh.

I hope there is a better way for me to do it -
but this is the best that I could do.

A little throwback of my favourite picture. InshaAllah your turn will come, sayang.