Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.

29th April

"Ibu and ayah on the way balik ke Seremban. Atuk Hamzah masuk hospital. Doakan baik-baik"- Ibu.

My heart sank.

3rd May

"Salam. Keadaan Atuk makin merosot. Angah jangan sedih ya.. baca yassin untuk Atuk. Atuk bangga angah bakal jadi doktor. Cuma Atuk mungkin tak sempat dirawat oleh cucunya. Be strong ya.. jangan hilang fokus." - Ibu

"Doktor cakap multiple infarct in his brain, lung infections and kidney is not working well. 

Prognosis is bad. I opt for DNR. I hope this is for the best." - Ayah

I opened my al-quran.

I read the first verse of Surah Yassin..

.. I burst into tears.

My heart can't handle it though I have tried to rationalize the whole situation.

I texted my dad and asked for his whereabouts.

"Ayah kat hospital ni, teman Atuk malam ni." - ayah

"Ayah... can I have a look at Atuk?"

"Okay."

I swiped right to answer the video call.

Ayah saw my red nose and swollen eyes.. and the tears that I try to wipe off my face. 

"Hey.. jangan nangis beriya dulu..

Atuk ada lagi kan.."

I want to tell Ayah.. I know how bad it looks

and I know Atuk tak lama dah.

But Ayah is barely hanging on.

He removed his glasses when he talks to me.

He showed his bitter smile to cheer me up..

..but I think I made him cry after.

4th May

"Keaadan Atuk makin stabil. 

Gula dah okay balik" - Ibu.

"Let's pray for a miracle for Atuk." - Ayah.

5th May

I woke up this morning having a hunch that today might be the day.

I unlocked my phone.

And there... I read the line from ibu.

"Angah- Atuk dah tak ada."

I put my phone aside.

I sit up in my bed.

Innalillahi wainna ilaihi rajiun ..

That is all I can say.

Images of Atuk are dancing in my head..

He lived a good 87 years..

He's here long enough, Tim.

Let's be happy for him.

I push my duvet aside.

I head to the kitchen to have my breakfast...

..and bit by bit it started to hit me.

Atuk... dah takda. 

I want to cry my hearts out..

and if I have enough money I want to fly back.

But growing up means you have to be realistic..

my exams are not over yet.

And I have promised my mom that I won't lose focus.

I bid my goodbye when I last met him.

I hugged him knowing I might not see him again.

I know that for a fact. 

Al-Fatihah untuk Atuk Hamzah yang Imah sayang.

Our last moments together.