Of crossroads and istikharah

I'm , literally, a big girl now.

I can still remember the day I plucked up my courage to ask about you. Boi I was young back then. I mean.. young-er. (I'd like to believe I'm still young, given that I'm still in my 20s) Back to the story, I couldn't remember what brought me to a conclusion that I should just ask about you.. but I did! You're one of my many crush(es) but Idk why I only had the courage to ask about you. I mean.. I could ask about other people too but I didn't. 

Anyway, I asked Kak N about your status..

and it wasn't long after that, that I found out you're not available. 

I was okay, shed a couple of tears on my way back home from the hospital 

but I was fine after that. Totally fine.

I thought.. "Hmm takpelah.. memang bukan jodoh".

And then, a few years passed. 

I heard nothing about you. 

"Bilanya kau nak kahwin??!"

I continued on with my life.

More complicated stuff ensued after.

(... as evidenced in the previous posts)

AND AND AND

recently, we met again at an event. 

You asked me my name! My name??!! 

Seriously.. 

..all these years and you didn't even know my name :(

I remembered yours since our days in KMB. 

( hashtag freak alert )

One thing leads to another..

and I found out you've been single for the past two years. 

Whatever happened to you, ah boi?

I told the other sisters about you..

..and my intention ( I know I ni gatal kan? haha )

Kak N was fully aware of what happened before..

and she said "Do you wanna give it a try, again?"

"Make lotsa dua. If you're destined for each other, inshaAllah, khalas"

My heart goes tachy a lil bit.

Tbh, I'm scared. 

Rejections.. are hard to deal with.

(.. again, as evidenced in the previous posts)

Should I give it another shot?

I mean, at least, you're not in Cork.

You're not someone I see frequently.

Our circle of friends doesn't overlap.

You're not someone I might bumped into in town..

.. or in the random wards of random hospital here. 

Haish.

At times like this, I can hear ayah's voice: 

"Anak ayah ni banyak fikir la."

Lol. 100% accurate. 

But ayah,

fikir.. is the only thing I can afford to do now. 

I'll ask for guidance from Allah.

At the crossroad, standing still, only istikharah can guide my way.

I hope I'll walk in the right direction. 

hashtag cuak.

- T

Rookie mistakes are allowed, okay.

It has started again.
The anxiety kicks in.

I feel low, no energy, it was hard for me to focus on studying.
I don't feel like going out. But I did anyway.
I had a good time, but when I came back.. I feel weird again.

I feel like there'a a lump in my chest.
It's hard to breathe on days like this.
And trying to smile to make it go away doesnt work either.
(I ended up crying for no particular reason)

I think what I needed was a full hx taken by a doctor, full examination, and investigations done on me... and I pray and pray again that all this is because I'm low on some vitamins, or I'm anemic or just dehydrated. So I can brush it off as an illness that will settle with downing some pills and water.

At times like this,
I feel like calling someone.
and just talk.

At times like this,
I feel like running in the cold,
and just sweat it off.

At times like this,
I feel lonelier than ever.

But we're all living this life for the first time.

We all have issues that we find it hard to convey to other people,
there is no verbal form to explain
what is lingering in my head and bothering my heart.
and that's okay. :)

At times like this,
I feel like making a lot of dua
and just talk to Allah
will suffice.

O Allah , the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth,

You have created me in the best forms,

You know what's in my heart 

more than other people or even myself.

Untie the knots in my heart.

Lift the weight on my shoulder.

Ease the pain that I have.

For only You can cure it all. 


Forever a rookie,
- T

Let's give it another try, T.

2018 ended beautifully, mashaAllah. 

Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed our family with 2 additional members in 2018. My younger sister, A married her Yemeni husband in March at the age of 24 year old, now she's pregnant with her first child, SubhanaAllah.  My older sister, Y married the guys she knew for only 5 months in December at the age of 27 year old. 

From these two love story, there's me (25 going 26) stucked in the middle, still figuring out how the secrets in life work. The way Allah untangle all the knots and the way everything make sense in the end are so magical to my eyes. Subhanallah, Allahuakbar. Patience and strong faith in Allah are the key to be more calm in the waiting game. 

We're now 1 month into 2019.

Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I tell myself that I need someone to fill this emptiness I have in my heart. I feel incomplete no matter how hard I preach about self love and stuff. I was more in love with the idea of being in love without understanding the essence of loving anyway.  I realise that all these years.. the space in my heart is becoming ( or felt ) more empty, not because I didn't put anything in it. No. 

I know that the one space in our heart must be filled with the love of Allah first. But I realised, my heart felt more empty as the days passed by - because it's 'leaking'.

The love that I put in my heart for Allah slowly disappears from me. It was erased bit by bit.. with every little sins I conciously or subconciously made. I feel so small these days. I'm becoming more worse each day. I tried to reminisce what makes me feel content before? I have come to a conclusion that my ibadah is reducing in quantity and quality and I no longer feel excited or putting efforts in learning about his Deen. 

Nowadays, usrah felt like a weekly online meeting. Strictly business. One that I just have to click 'join call' , show my smiling face , throw in some comments that's not coming from my heart anyway and then it will be done in two hours or so. 

These days, I rush my prayer. I rarely make du'a. I no longer feel the urge to wake up in the morning for qiamullail. Most nights, I'll be wide awake an hour before Fajr prayer.. but I always choose to go back to sleep. Weird , huh?

"Emm.. the toilet is too far from my room. So lazy laa to perform ablution (read: wudhu)"

".. well it's a bit cold. I'll keep myself warm under the duvet for a bit more"

"Alaa.. I make short dua also counted right? thanks Allah"

I create all sorts of excuses EVEN WHEN I WAS AWAKEN BY ALLAH TO MEET HIM. Allah has granted me an exclusive opportunity to ask for forgiveness, to make dua for my family, my friends and myself. Allah has given me these opportunity, day by day, but I refused to save myself, I refuse to meet HIM. Astaghfirullah..  :(  

"The du'a made at tahajjud is like an arrow that does not miss its target"

- Imaam  Shaafiie

I know that Allah has given me a lot of blessings. I'm blessed with a good family, a good upbringing, I'm surrounded by good people since I'm small. He had given me a lot of razk (read: rezeki) from ways I cannot comprehend or predict, in the forms that I always .. always.. always need.

Allah has been too kind to me. He's Ar-rahman, He's Ar-raheem.. and He's As-Samii'. I have faith in Allah, and I pray and pray again that no matter how far I strayed from His Deen, I hope He'll always guide me back to the right path and make me believe in myself that it's never too late to give myself another try at this.

For the millionth time, 

Bismillah.

Let's give it another try, T 

:)

Where are you now , T ?

An unnamed feeling came to me

It fills the spaces in my heart

Spaces that I thought was filled alright

by those who came after you

Clearly, the replacement , was not a good fit.

I am happy now, I do. 

But I miss the feelings and comfort I found in you.

Was it just familiarity?

Was it because of a shared dream?

Was it just a common interest? 

Are we just a good team?

I think, what we had was more than that.

I found Allah when I was with you.

I was reminded of how badly I want to strive to be a better me.

And the best part is, I am not alone in that journey.

(I feel so lonely now)

It is not fair to say that you leave me here

It is also mean to say that I made myself stay

The ink has dried, the pen was lifted

This is what Allah has decreed upon us

and with that I should be happy and content

Kan? :(

My battle is so different now

I am learning about myself more than ever

and after doing all of the things I thought I have always wanted to do

I realised one thing for sure..

.. it would be so much better if I'm with you.

It's funny how every little things in Cork, Dublin, Birm...

... ahh.. almost anything and everything reminded me of you girls.

And it scares me when every single memories we created 

during our five long years together..

..bit by bit..

is fading away.

I hope..

If someday..

all that I remember about you is just the warmth that you gave..

I hope I'll be alright with that.

It's inevitable, but it is also natural.

...like the grains of sand slipping through my fingers

no matter how hard I try to grasp it.

I'm not sad that I'm losing it.

I'm happy for the fact that I - for once - had it.

And for that...

O Allah

I thank You for blessing me with these souls 

that reminded me of You

that advises me with kindness and love

that concerns about my dunya and akhirah 

more than anyone would.

Please keep us all safe under Your protection my Rabb.

Please accept from us no matter how small.

And above all,

Please forgive me..

For I have sinned everyday,

I have wronged You in every way.

More so now, than I was before :(

Please keep me in good company

Ones that can guide me 

and remind me

of You

Yes, I miss the old me too,

T.

Reality check for you, T

"How did you do it , T?"

"Do what?"

"You're still happy and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with him..."

"Well, I don't see where is the issue."

"...I mean.. even when he doesn't look at you the same way?"

My heart snapped into two... for the thousandth time.
I plastered a smile over my face and I said.

"I don't mind at all. I just enjoyed the moment"

I lied. I was clearly in denial.
Having some sort of delusion that THIS.. gonna go somewhere.
And I keep that imagination alive by feeding a lot of assumptions and what ifs.
I wrote your story on your behalf. I was convinced that what I wrote was the truth.
Until tonight....

"T, have you had this talk with him?"

"About what?"

"You know, about you being so obvious and upfront with your feelings.. 

....is he okay with that?"

"..I... don't know"

"What if he's uncomfortable with .. all this?"

"...."

"Are you okay if one day,  he tells you that he doesn't like all this attention

and he doesn't feel the way you do?"

"To be honest...

He already did. 

We're just friends.

That's what he said

I just choose not to believe that."

"awwwhh ... T... " :'(

"I'm okay. I will be not okay when 

I choose to embrace that for a fact."

"That is so sad."

"I know" :)

My heart shattered again tonight.
A simple reality check by a friend brings me back to reality.

I look at our pictures again and again.
I recall our moments, most of them are just
me looking for you in a crowd
or me staring at you without you knowing.

Those moments are clearly all giddy,  sweet and happy only on my side.
What we had was clearly made complicated by own my mind.

It was pretty straightforward for you.
You said no.
I should've taken that as it is instead of sugarcoating it.

You and your sweet words.

Me and my overinterpretation. 

We're not a good match, kan?

I should've known better, kan..
I could've guarded my heart better.
And now that I'm in this trouble too deep,
all I can do is to seek help from Allah.

“O Allah, verily I seek the better choice from You, by Your knowledge, 

and I seek ability from You, by Your power, 

and I ask You from Your immense bounty. 

For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; 

You have knowledge and I know not; 

You are the Knower of the unseen realms. 

O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, 

and grant me blessing in it. 

And if You know that this matter is not good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then turn it away from me and me from it; 

and decree for me better than it, 

wherever it may be, 

and make me content with it.”

Learning to live in reality (sure is hard)
But I'll try again.. for the thousandth times.

T

"You look happy , T"

Inchydoney Beach and a tale of an unguarded heart.

..twas a lovely day..

  

.. and a girl, unknowingly, fell in love again.

She shouldn't be.

but she just couldn't help it.

.. she knows she's in a deep trouble. 

A..really.. deep.. trouble

But she's adamant that she'll crawl her way up the hole and finds her sanity again..

.. but a girl like her, wearing her heart on her sleeves, it's obvious that it'll be impossible.

..we can already tell , for sure, that this is gonna be another blind commitment 

- foolish and absurd.

but hey.. she looks happy , right?

so let her keep her love

in this fleeting moment

and let her wear that dreamy eyes everyday. 

(and boy oh boy, let's pray this won't hurt her badly when she falls back to earth)

- T

Uncertainty : Of dreams, hope and (maybe) you?

For the past few days,
heck, for the past one year I have been disturbed by this thought.

THAT I WILL END UP ALONE.

That no one will love me ..
just enough to make him pluck up his courage and ask for my hand.

I mean.
I don't know if this is just something hormonal, me PMS-ing or whatnot.
But I can tell you for sure that I am so disturbed by this idea of (ended up) living alone.
My eyes will swell up with tears and my heart is aching every single time I had this thought.

I don't know how people perceive me.
I am very much sociable.
I am ready for commitment.
I mean.. I wanna be commited to something.
or someone.
Just let me have a chance !

I'm a good catch.
I'm funny
I'm nice
I can cook well
I wanna say I'm pretty too 
and I am a proud domestic goddess!
Like .. urghhhh.. I feel so frustrated while typing all this stuff.
DID NO ONE NOTICE ME ?!! like.. at all?

What is there not to like about me? :( 

OMG i feel like a kid, whining about the candy I couldn't get.
Kept away in a glass jar on the top shelf in the kitchen.
I know it's there..  but I couldn't reach for it.

Allahu.. I feel so lonely at times , that I couldn't even describe it.
I told other people about it,
how sometimes I feel so miserable I just let myself cry to sleep,
I shouldn't be feeling like this, kan?
and I don't want to resort to doing haraam things.. like .. idk.. Tinder? haha.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time right now.
This is just another level of meroyan.. haha.
Do you get how painful this is for me?
yet, I couldn't do anything about it.

O Allah, this waiting game is too much on me. 

Grant me strength to stay true to your Deen 

and bless me with guidance too. 

Did the world ran out of 'nice guy' supplies?
Did I overqualified to be a good wife?
or was I underqualified, still?
What should I do to improve myself?
What should I do to be like ... her?
She looks so nice in her white dress though
oh wait.. that was 6 months ago.
Now she's pregnant with her first child?!
She's 5 years younger than me!
Whatever happens to the theory of
different timeline
And I'm just rotting away
while filling up my minimum dose of romance
by watching dramas and reading comics
and listening to my friend's story of how sweet their partners are
and helping them brainstorming about the wedding plans
and what type of flowers will match their veil and laces
and which shoes to put on ,
just enough to make them look like a queen
and rocking that super long dress
but not overly done
so that the groom will still look relatively taller

I mean... I am too much invested in the idea that -

MARRIAGE IS EVERYTHING I NEED TO COMPLETE MY LIFE NOW.

But.
I have my own dreams to realize..
I have plans that I want to execute
I'll be moving out and about
I'll be running around
I should be running around
so i dont think I can fit anyone at the moment
I definitely can't fit you in my plans now.
Coz.. If you're in the plan...
.. I'm afraid you'll be the only plan.

I cannot afford to lose my dreams and my visions
and all the stuff I swore I'd do to make the world a better place
I cannot be greedy, my life is not entirely about me.. kan?
I cannot fit you anywhere in my life..
..so I have to stay this way
..alone and miserable still.

I can't whine anymore.
I shouldn't be whining.
I guess..
This is the price of having a dream.

:(

O Allah..

Untie this knots in my chest

Unravel this mess I've created in my mine

Mend my broken heart 

Complete the missing pieces I've spent my life trying to fix

My life and my death is Yours.. and Yours only.

A very happy Eid indeed :)

Assalamualaikum

(side note: I'm having trouble typing with my index finger because of the cut I got while cleaning the cans yesterday.. sigh.. so easily injured)


Alhamdulillah.
We are blessed with an opportunity to celebrate our eidul adha here in Cork for the.. emmm.. I think it's our 4th time now? And the best part about this year's eid is -- WE WALKED TO THE MOSQUE!

I know it's not really an achievement, many other people did that. But for me, that is my first time. And I feel sooo happy walking to the mosque and perform my Eid prayer with my housemates. I just love them :)

And alhamdulillah, last night we managed to prepare 2 dishes for our Raya Putlock - We made Laksam and Rendang Ayam. Alhamdulillah all turns out well (though there's a bit of drama in the beginning of not being able to get the right consistency of the batter, but we did well in the end biiznillah). And everything we made is super yummy and people liked it! alhamdulillah :)

O yeah, so back at the mosque. The khutbah reminds me of the things I really hate to do - sacrifice. Honestly, I don't like sacrificing because - I feel like I lose what I gave. And I don't like the feeling of losing something .. ( err prolly because I thought I have lost so much but in fact Allah has given me more ni'mah in return Alhamdulillah)

The khatib mentioned a story about Hajr and Ibrahim, and how they have to sacrifice. But Hajr was so clear that the instruction came from Allah - and she let it all happen. She's completely redha :)

That strikes me, that whatever I thought I own or lose in this world is not mine to begin with, and it's just  worldly thing anyway. The fact that I feel so much agony and pain over the past few years is because I'm still very much attached to everything in this world and I'm attached to the idea that I own things :(

That is bad.
Very bad.

So tim, please understand that sometimes Allah takes a little bit from you to see how you react to His action. Show that you are able to grow out of the pain and prove that you love Allah and His plans more than  what He gave/take from you. Build that sincerity from deep within and InshaAllah no matter what happen, you'll feel more at ease.

That's pretty much what I'd like to say in this post.
I'm just gonna attach some photos to commemorate other things that I did with my friends today :)

 

 

May Allah bless us all and protect us from any danger.

May He grant us strength when we need it most.

And may He guides us in whatever we do :) 

Alhamdullilah for the best gift today, Ya Allah 

Alhamdulillah wanastaghfirullah ... I'm officially a final year student :) 

Summer Elective: With the vampire(s)

Assalamualaikum.

(again, I'm noting this down so that I can recollect the memories when I wanted to.. ya know, like after graduation in 2019? InshaAllah. Ameen.)

Alhamdulillah I managed to spend a week with the Haematology team in Cork University Hospital (CUH). It was a great experience, one I wouldn't trade for anything else.

It all started last year? I think. I thought hard to decide whether I should do my summer elective here, in Ireland, or when I'm back in Malaysia.

So after thinking and discussing this matter with a friend, I came to a conclusion that I should complete the whole 4 weeks here. Better opportunity to spend more time getting used to the systems and the syllabus.

I applied for obsgyn, paeds, surgery, neuro, palliative and haem. But Allah has decreed that I managed to secure attachment with palliative, haem and neuro only (in that order).

So this week, I'm with the blood team (or the Vampires hihi)

Before starting the elective with them , I heard rumours about the team. How they are very stern with students, very particular about how things are, they'd snap at you if you are not reaching their expectations, they actually make someone cried and bla bla bla..

Honestly, I was a bit scared.
My hands are cold that morning.
I have sweats running down my back .. like all the time
(but maybe it's because of the heatwave in Europe hihi)

After spending a few days with the head of the team, that was rumoured to be a very 'garang' person, I got to see why she's acting like that and why people hate her.

She is a very good doctor.
An ideal one i'd say.
She adresses the patient with honorifics even when she's not around them.
She even corrected me when I was trying to present a case to her (and at that time I was not using honorifics to address them). She said it sounds disrespectful.. in which, I agree.

She treats her patients with the best care possible.
Making sure that they are feeling comfortable and sent back home.. as a happy individual.
I appreciate how she actually takes time to explain a disease / a medication / a simple form to her patients.. and she did it with a smile and in the best manner.

She treats us, the students, very seriously.
She includes us in every meetings, handovers, journal club and clinics.
she makes sure that we actually understand stuff by asking us questions ... and though most of the time we're unable to answer it, she wouldn't flip!
She appreciate hard work and dedications that you put in completing tasks given.

With H.
(Apart from the bloods, I got to know about this girl a lil more.
SHE IS SO CUTE! k I'm not a freak k)

Honestly, I aspire to be as good as her.
A doctor.
and a teacher.

I wouldn't mind to be part of that team again.
From consultants, SpR, reg, SHO and even the interns are suuuuuuper nice and cooperative.
And despite the workload that they have, they actually make time to check on us and entertain our questions if we have any :)


I'm gonna miss them, the bloodsuckers and bone marrow extractors <3 p="">Hope to see you guys again :p


She asked me about my plan after graduation. I said I might go back because my mom wants me back in Malaysia.

She said this in reply "You might wanna think about it again. If you have Ireland in your list of 'work experience', that would make it easier for you to enter other countries like US or UK. And the training here is better I think."

and to that statement, I replied: "Yeah. I think I might think about it again :) . Thank you."


So ... now. Let's work hard to graduate with honours, and maybe... apply for internship here?
Should I ask ibu first? :/  I'm in a dilemma.. again.


Let's make a lot of doa and istikharah over the year. May Allah ease my decision making process :)

"O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessing in it. And if You know that this matter is not good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.”

Summer Elective : A week living with the dying.

Assalamualaikum wbt.

(idk why I started to feel awkward to start my post with this. Maybe because I don't think anyone will read the stuff I wrote here. Oh well.. )


Anyway.
Last week (from the 23rd July - 27th July) I did my summer elective at one of the best hospice in Ireland. Emm I'm not sure if the word 'best' is appropriate to describe a hospice though. So a hospice is basically a hospital that caters to end-of life care.

I started the week feeling so pumped up with adrenaline, I have prepared myself to witness the thing I feared most in medical field - watching your patient die!

So I walked into Marymount Hospice in Curraheen with that mindset - I want to be stronger emotionally. I want to be prepared. I want to learn how not to get affected by loss(es). The reason I choose palliative care for my elective is mostly what I said above .. and a tiny bit of  I-havent-had-this-kind-of-exposure-in-fourth-year and also a little bit of this-one-week-elective-gonna-fly-without-much-learning-to-do.

I started the week with MDT (multi disciplinary team) meeting , there I met my supervisor (Dr Marie Murphy), the Reg and SHO (Ciara and Dierdre) , the staff nurse ( I call her V) , the pastor (Daniel) and the community staff nurse (Mary) and the ward manager (Ger) . They were soooo nice and welcoming. I feel great.. but halfway through the meeting, my sleepiness from jetlag started to kick in. I cant believe I dozed off for a few secs, i hope no one notice that!

So the week went by with MDT, ward rounds, coffe breaks, more ward rounds, taking history and do examination on stable patients, listening to doc's prognosis on some of them was hard, but that's part and parcel of the job. 

I started to feel like : this is such a bad place to work in. Some of the patients I see during ward rounds are feeling low -almost all the time. Prolly because they are lonely and thinking of the ones they will leave soon. 

I asked my supervisor one fine morning "The patients are feeling low, you can't cure their disease / illness. Why palliative care though? What drives you to continue?"

So Dr Marie Murphy gave me the best answer anyone could, she ask me back. What's the principles of providing healthcare? 

And I was stunned. All I know is "DO NO HARM" lol. 

She added "..Do no harm, do good to patient, respect their autonomy, and respect the use of your resources"

So she explained on how we must care for the patient as an individual, striving to ease their pain, giving them chances to live in comfort and pain-free, improving their quality of life for no matter how many days/weeks they have left. 

Those things.. matters to the patient..maybe more than just having the chance to live an extended period of time but constantly in pain, unable to eat, and feeling weak all the time.  What's the good in that?

and she corrected me : "and you know what, not all of our patient here died in this facility. Some of them gets better than how they presented at first. We treated their symptoms and we are happy, as much as they are happy to go back home and spend their time with their family. That .. to me, is a good motivation"

This place might not be as big as Cork Uni Hospital, with hundreds of beds. But I like the ambience here, I love the lessons I learn - as a doctor, you do not treat your patient's symptoms like crossing off  things from your list. Treating an individual is more than that. To make them feel human again. To make their life worth living. 

As I walk down the stairs for one last time, I thought to myself. If I can't treat hundreds of patients each day, having one that genuinely feel good after our encounter is all I need as motivation and drive to continue. 

This job is never a fulfilling one if what you seek is popularity and good money. I hope I can keep my intention pure in providing what's best for my patient, using my resources as ethically as I can and respecting them as human beings .. and not just another case to settle before I go back and hit the bed.

And I think.. it is okay to have soft and mushy heart that breaks 

every time I experience loss(es), witnessing death 

and other bad news that I have to deliver to my patient 

as I see their expressions become gloomier. 

It is okay to feel bad, to shed tears. 

It is part of our human emotions.

Let's not lose the empathy every single one of us should have.

With that in mind - I hope I can grow to become a good doctor. 

One that can give my best in any given situation. InshaAllah. 

"Rabbanaa laa tuzigh quloobanaa ba’da ith hadaytanaa 

wahab lanaa min ladunka rahmatan innaka antal-wahhaab"

“Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate (from the truth) after You have guided us

and grant us mercy from Yourself . Indeed, You are the Bestower.”

On my last day, I saw this on the reception desk. I can't help but to capture it. :) 

Going back in time.

As I flew against the timezone
I can't help but to travel back in time
back to when it all started.

Those days I hold dearly in my heart..
..they are so beautiful, right?

And because they were so beautiful
To me.. (perhaps to both of us)
that makes them precious.
Too precious I'd say.

Part of the clan I do crazy stuff with..

Part of the troop I learn more about myself and my direction in life..

More than just friends, more than just 'sisters'..
idk maybe, pain in my ass? yeah.. sounds like it :p  

I hope I will always remember those days when we were together. :)

(Oh! and all the memories engraved in my heart but got no picture to attach.. haha.. you guys are awesome too) 

Ellipsis (...)

Have you ever been in a situation, where you are helplessly waiting for the next thing in life to happen but you just can't help to guess the possible outcome?

I think that's where I am now.

Almost everyday, I woke up feeling ... empty. I will look for my phone, and like any other day, there's no new texts. No missed calls. No one.. is looking for me. So I put it under my pillow again while I give out a heavy sigh.

I thought I could live alone, having no close friends means... I can be friend with anyone and everyone, right?  I thought it was a gift, to be able to turn on my 'friendly mode' and just talk to anyone in any given situation, in any given room.

I was wrong.

It slowly creeps in.. the thought that whatever I have is actually a curse.

I was too friendly with everyone,
so I forgot to actually make friends.
You know, those who actually stays and cares.

I was too busy trying to get involved with everyone's affairs.
Huh.. what was I thinking.
Did anyone actually knew what's going on in my life?

Not even my family knew what's troubling me.

All these years, I genuinely believe that the outside world will be just like what I saw on screen.
I grew up watching alot of tv shows, documentaries and movies.
They all ended up with a great ending, where everyone will get their fair share of happiness.
No one will be lonely. No one will end up feeling sad.
Except for the villains, they always get punished at the end right?

I was so naive, tricked into believing a lie, misled by the fantasies I myself created.

The Ellipsis.
The dots after a sentence.
A pause.
It's where a sentence trails off.

I'm not a villain.
I'm always kind to everyone.
If I didn't, I knew I actually tried to.

Then, why do I feel like I'm being punished in these indefinite dots in my life?
I feel like I was hang out to dry.

Slowly, every bits of happiness and joy,
every single good memories I kept in my heart,
every little energy and passion,
everything is slowly disappearing.

But watching the news of kids being tortured to death,
Babies murdered by the real evil force out there,
It makes me believe that I don't have any rights to feel beaten.
I should pick myslef up.
I should dust off my scraped knees.

This ellipsis won't lasts long.
That's not how it works.
My whole story is not complete yet.
I'm not even done with this sad chapter.

This is the part where I take pause to build myself up and continue to write my story.
I have faith that I'm not meant to stay in my room all day , listening to sappy old songs.
I am destined for something great. Something bigger.

If my passion in something is disappearing, then I'll find a new passion, a new goal.
If the good memories are forgotten one by one, then I'll head out and make new memories.
If I'm not happy now, I can always try other things that will somehow leads me to my happy ending.

The key is to not give up.
The key is to not let out those heavy sigh.

I'll open up a new chapter.
I'll write with confidence with my fountain pen.
The one where I'm stronger.
One where I am not afraid of being alone.
The path to greatness, and going extra miles are not crowded.

My story might not be similar to those you came across out there.
Mine is..slightly longer.
Not just one with more adventures, conflicts and drama,
but also more exciting events, more surprising characters will come along
and the ending will be spectacular!

I will not give up easily.

This ellipsis won't lasts long.
Have faith in yourself, Tim.
Have faith in Allah :)

Ya Allah
I seek your refuge from incapacity, laziness, 
cowardice and miserliness.
Grant my soul taqwaa, and purify it, 
You are the One to purify it,
You are its Guardian and its Lord. 

Ameen. 

A little thing called......

I was flipping through some random novel I found on my bedside when I was reminded of a funny thing that happened this year.

I think I should just put it here, so when I'm older, I'll be able to read this again and just laugh (like what I did now! ) Disclaimer : This is just a funny lesson , I think I should immortalize it in my blog. :p

_____

Hari Ahad lepas, aku jumpa balik dengan kawan-kawan sekolah menengah.  Let's just name them as F, T and N. Saban tahun, aktiviti wajib mestilah makan, lepak dan borak tentang semua perkara yang telah menjadi highlight hidup dalam setahun yang lepas.

Selalunya.. hampir semua berkisar relationship.

Tak tahu kenapa! Mungkin sebab sejak mula berkawan di sekolah menengah, memang itu topik yang seronok untuk diceritakan sebab masing-masing boleh berlawan kisah siapa paling sedih (atau lucu)

Jadi aku buka cerita tentang hidup seorang Fatimah yang masuk usia 25, dan entah keberanian jenis apa yang merasuk tubuh untuk tahun ini... aku buat semua perkara gila yang tak pernah aku lakukan sebelum ini! 

Contoh pertama - aku minta penjelasan dari kawan zaman sekolah tentang hal lama. Kalau orang lain, mesti dah tutup kambus habis, siap timbunkan daun kering untuk hilangkan tanda kewujudan hal yang mahu ditanam dalam-dalam.

Tapi seorang Tim (yang entah keberaniannya datang dari mana) tiba-tiba sahaja whatsapp dan minta penjelasan.  Bila fikirkan balik, Ya Allah kesian kat kawan tu. Dia elok-elok dah bahagia dengan kehidupan dia, tiba-tiba seorang kawan lama yang entah dia masih ingat atau tak.. tiba-tiba contact balik, untuk tanya pasal hal remeh. HAL BUDAK-BUDAK. 

I think I make myself looks even more weird. 

Still, aku happy bila dapat jawapan sebenar. Yang aku sebenarnya bukan dijadikan target untuk dimainkan. Bukan kijang lembik yang terpilih sebab kelihatan macam easy prey. Benda ni nampak kecil di mata orang lain. Isu yang kalau aku tanya pada orang lain, semua akan capai kata putus yang sama "tak payahlah fikir panjang-panjang".Tapi aku tak tahu macam-mana otak aku boleh ada kapsiti untuk simpan semua memori. Maklumat penting yang lain, taknak pulak disimpannya.

Bila dah ada closure untuk kisah lama, barulah aku rasa macam... this is just a simple thing! Kenapa tak tanya dari duluuuuuu... aduh terbazir space dalam hati sebab benci dan marah pada orang yang tak perlu dibenci atau dimarahi.

___

Contoh kedua - apabila aku tanya directly kepada kawan lelaki aku, tentang posisi aku dlm hidup dia. Ini sebenarnya, bila aku ingat semula pun, rasa macam astaghfirullah.. hantu mana masuk dlm badan malam tu ! Tiba-tiba rasa macam nak clarify, so I just ask him right away. And that.. is sooo not me. 

Growing up, aku dah biasa hidup dlm zon kelabu. Aku rasa aku memang tak boleh berkawan rapat dengan lelaki. Sejenis mudah tergelincir.. kau faham tak? 

Jadi, aku selesa dalam zon selamat. Tiada yang kacau aku, hidup aku tenang dan bahagia. Walaupun dikelilingi kaum sejenis dan kadang-kadang teringin juga nak rasa hidup berteman macam orang lain, tapi aku diamkan aje perasaan itu, sebab aku pun tahu priorities dlm hidup. And.. hakikatnya memang takde orang nak ngorat kita pun.  

Jadi bila dah besar sikit, dah mula pandai bergaul dengan member kat universiti, bekerja sama-sama di hospital.. some lines are meant to be crossed. Dan seorang perempuan yang tak reti nak asingkan rasa dalam hati...tergaul rata semua perasaan yang ada.

Maka, kesianlah nasib si kawan lelaki yang tiba-tiba kena lecture.

Hanya sebab aku yang confused dgn perasaan sendiri.

Akhirnya, sepatah kata pun tak lagi bertukar antara kami.

Ini dikira putus sahabat ke?

Tak kisahlah.

Yang penting, I saved myself from a possible disappointment dan frust menonggeng. 

I know myself well enough. 

It's either I like someone for a good few hours/days..

..or I fell hard for  yearssssss and yearsssss to come.

and we dont want that to happen again, kan?

Letih la one-sided.

 ____

Jadi, 

a little thing called courage

is all you need 

to make yourself more clear 

of your own feelings

or how others feel towards you.

Perhaps someday,

this little thing called courage

can help you to navigate your way 

to find the path towards another little thing.. called love. <3 div="">

Sementara tu, carilah bahagia dengan bersahabat dengan alam. 

To forgive and forget.

Reconcile with your past.

Let them go.

Let go of your past mistakes.

Stop blaming yourself.

Forgive yourself.

..and try to forget..

for the n-th time.

Please, Tim?

Of robes, mortarboard and scrolls.

I woke up that morning without a smile.
I sit up, feeling unmotivated to leave my bed.
I draw the curtains  and the sky greets me with its brightest shade of blue.
I smile a bit.. but it quickly fades away.

"What a beautiful day to graduate, right?"

The voices inside my head started to whisper it's darkest thoughts.
It echoes and it repeats after itself, indefinitely.
Even as I was taking my shower (and crying under the running water) ,
as I choose my best attire to go out to show that I am doing just fine,
as I put on my make up to cover the dark circles and swollen face,
as I practice my smile in case it looks forced.
and saying 'congratulations' to the mirror with no genuine feelings in it.

I took a picture to commemorate the day I mustered up courage to watch them graduate. 

After I perform my Dhuha prayer, my eyes started to get a little bit teary.
I know this day will come.
I thought thousands of times over whether to show up and pretended like it was nothing
or not to show up at all.

But I decided , at least I have to show my face and say "congratulations" and "all the best" to them.
I might not see any of them anymore.. I should do it, so I won't have any regrets later.
I owe big thanks to Syifa and Sofieya for making me go to see it..
..and take me to town to lift my spirits later.

If I didn't turn up at all,
my poor Kak Rina won't be having the chance of capturing our usrah together in a photo.
and Shah wouldn't have anyone by her side.
and at least, I should show that I actually showed up to my usrahmates.
..for this is a closure. I guess, for a long dreadful chapter with them as final years.

I was picked up by Kak Rina at 12 pm.
I put on my sunnies. to cover my eyes in case it started to become teary in front of them.

As I walk towards the quadrangle filled with people,
Kak Rina said she saw Effah.
But my eyes were looking for Syifa and Sofieya first.
I saw them sitting next to idk-who.
We chatted for a bit before I started greeting others and take picture with them.

I was okay until one clueless friend asked to take a picture of us two..
and she decided to make me hold her scroll while she holds her flowers.

I scoffed.
I literally looked at the scroll in my hand and I can't believe she actually makes me hold it for her.
I wanted to scream at her face, and throw her hard-earned degree on the green field,
and stomp on it like it was nothing but a piece of paper.

But I didn't.
Alhamdulillah.

The scene just keeps on playing in my head while I stand next to her with that scroll in my hands.
I hope it was not captured in the picture how I hated her for making me do it.

I saw Shah in a distance.
I said hello to her.

Her eyes quickly becomes teary and so did mine.
We hugged each other for a very long time..
and for the first time, I actually feel like I made the right decision to come.

We cried as we hugged each other,
and she said thanks for coming.
I genuinely wished her congratulations
and wiped away her tears.

It was the warmest moment ever in my entire year.

I saw my usrahmates in a distance.
I know they are expecting me to go there.
So I walked over to them with Kak Rina.
We took a few shots together.
I don't feel like taking any photos that day.
But I did anyway.

None of them are in my phone.

As the cameraman give cues to take pictures,
and I plaster my fake smile,
Another voice in my head started to whisper,  "Can't you just be happy for them?"
I let out a sigh and say - "Don't you think that's too much to ask from me?"

I owe a lot of explanation to the people around me.
But I think,  giving explanation would not change anything.

I will still lock myself in my room when I feel like doing so.
I will still stay up and binge on whatever instant food, dramas or movies.
I will still text S randomly and walk to her place whenever I feel like I need to talk to someone.
I will still choose to ignore those texts from anyone about anything because I don't feel like replying them.
I will still pluck up that dandelions I saw by the roadside and wished for a  knight to come and save me as I blow it.
I will still pray to Allah over and over again to give me strength to forgive and forget my mistakes.

As long as I can keep my sanity.
As long as I can still love myself..
.. a little bit more than self-hate.

I owe no one any explanations.
I owe no one any apologies.

Because if I did explain, or ask for their forgiveness,
I have to hear that one sentence that I hate - "We understand." 

Honestly no one would.
No one could.

Only Allah knows how hard I try to keep myself sane while trying my best not to hurt other people.
I didn't want things to end this way, I hope I can make our chapter ends in a better note.


Someday, when I feel a little bit better, maybe I will text you guys and ask how you were doing,
how's life and what it felt like to work in a hospital. I will throw in some jokes, and make you laugh at it.... like good old times.  Someday, I will genuinely give my whole attention and listen to your stories without having any intention to walk away.


But for now, watching you guys in your black robes from a distance is all I can do.
As you throw your mortarboard, and show your scrolls to your family and friends,
all I can do is to wish you a plain, monotonous 'congrats'
then turn around and let out a sigh.

I hope there is a better way for me to do it -
but this is the best that I could do.

A little throwback of my favourite picture. InshaAllah your turn will come, sayang.